relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness

Dec 3, 2009 (slightly edited post from another message board)

relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness

Yup that is a big title. I am writing here to try to work through my thoughts on where I stand with all this stuff. I know I am ready for a relationship, but I do not know what I want as an outcome of that relationship. I would like to put it out there, and to find out what you guys think of this as well.

It seems like many of the men I meet do not want to date one on one (later note - in talking with a gf who is also dating, she told me that all the men she meets just want to have a single relationship so maybe I just attract men who don't want one on one situations). They almost all want to date numerous people at the same time although some will agree to physical monogamy if the situation turns physically intimate. I have met people in open marriages, and know of couples who have had affairs and worked things out. I think almost all of my close friends have left their original partner at this time, and are divorced if they ever were married. The only people I know who are still married to their original partner are usually older. Many people seem to have been divorced at least once. And those folks who are married often seem incredibly unhappy or bored with their lives after having been married for a few years.

So, all of that stuff I spouted off up there kinda makes me wonder if there is any point in me trying to find one person to have a long term relationship with. Is it worth while to do that? Am I better off to just keep my emotional attachments for my girlfriends and the odd male friend? I get all my support from my girlfriends to the point that I don't even know if I really need an intimate relationship with another person. I still don't know what I ultimately want from dating. I know that, right now, I want to be someone's girlfriend, for them to be proud of me, and want to go places together, and for us to develop a deeper more meaningful emotional relationship. But where would it go? I am not talking specific to anyone I have dated recently, I am talking about any man....where would it all go? I don't even know if I believe in being with someone forever, or if I believe in marriage.

I am open to many forms relationships. I am open to forging a relationship with one person, getting to a deeper emotional level, and know that I could have other folks involved with it. Yup, I just said the big no no - an open style relationship - but that I would need to forge a strong emotional bond and trust for that to happen. I know I could date a couple too, be them ss or whatever, and could be okay with a 3 way relationship. Yup, I know....it all sounds different, but I am open-minded toward it because my success rate with a regular monogamous one-on-one, be it live apart, live in, or engaged, relationships have not worked, and I know very few people in long term traditional relationships who are really happy.

So this much said, I know that I am probably, ultimately, leaning towards a non-monogamous relationship, yet I feel like I just want to be the only person at the very start of something yet realize that I could probably open it up later on, after some time has passed. And this kind of thinking is not overly congruent.

I am also starting to wonder whether monogamy is just a thing of the past....or maybe it is just a reflection of my generation. Serial monogamy seems to be the norm, with "monogamy" growing looser as folks age, and fewer folks wanting to date one-on-one. Many folks my age grew up in divorced homes, the first heavy round of divorces here in Canada, and I wonder if that is what has shattered many people from my generations belief in traditional monogamy. We were raised with the societal ideals of traditional monogamy and with the hopes of finding one person who we would be with forever, our grandparents did this.....but many of our parents did not. I was also born during the sexual revolution, and came of age in a time when folks were exploring open relationships and free love and I cannot help but wonder if that tinted my thinking about relationships as well. And, on top of it all, I have studied this topic a lot at school, and read a fair amount on it outside of school, and still continue to come to the conclusion that maybe a monogamous life time relationship is just an almost unachievable ideal.

When I was in college I used to think about gender based communities, about women living in one place, and men living in another place, and coming together in the middle....but then that wouldn't work because it would exclude so many people. And abolishing relationships all together would not work either. There is no one answer. So I am left thinking of what I really want, what my goals are.

In order to achieve a goal, the goal must be set. I give lip service to wanting to find a partner, but is this what I truly want to find? I sometimes wonder if my standards have gotten too high in the face of what is the reality of the folks I meet, or if maybe their standards are unachievable too. I do know that I am fragile in my heart, and feel vulnerable when I start to care for someone, and know that many other people feel the same way too. Some folks have simply turned their emotions off, refusing to allow them room to grow.

Maybe instead of learning from past mistakes, I have grown more afraid of failure. Perhaps this is part of it. I don't know, it is just a thought. I do know that, ever since I was young, I spoke out against getting married, about having a family, about forging a life long connection with one other person. And yet I tried to do so more than once, and almost did get married at one time, and sometimes wonder if maybe I should have given birth at some point in there too. Incidentally, I just briefly glanced at some stats yesterday and saw that women giving birth in their 40's is on the rise....so maybe there is hope for me yet. In a couple of years I may actually be able to afford a baby on my own. It is something to think about.

I joke around a lot about taking on a string of lovers, and maybe that is the actual reality I face, the actual future that lies in store for me. It could be scintillating, it could be fun. I enjoy people so very much, and am always open to something new. But, that much said, I also long for a monogamy of sorts, of forging a bond with one person in there some where but I cannot say for how long it would last. Should I start writing up contracts? How is this sort of situation negotiated or figured out? I will love you for a year and a day, and at the end of that we can re-negotiate. How could a couple ever make plans for long term financial investments in that sort of situation?! It means that I would always be making plans for myself and myself alone, and that seems incredibly self centered when I would like to share part of my life with someone else.

Maybe I have been single too long, or maybe my thinking is growing too liberal as I am aging. I sometimes think I am too wild for the conservative guys, yet too conservative for the liberal guys. Maybe I need to try to find someone who is moderate. But is that truly possible? Is there anyone else out there who is as confused about this as I am?

Anyhow, the gym is calling so I must move onwards with my evening. I have probably written too much here, or maybe I have not written enough. And I may be back to write some more. Please feel free to add your thoughts, I am interested in what you have to say....

xxo
Lou