on the road with a betta fish...and christmas

Friday, December 29, 2006
on the road with a betta fish...and christmas
just a short hello note...

i am on the road with esmeralda the betta fish, and visiting folks for christmas. esmeralda is doing better now, and i am doing ok too. i am heading back home tomorrow...figure its time. i am at my friends place right now, down by toronto. sometimes, i think i should live in this area. i have no idea where i am going to end up in may, once school is finished...could well be anywhere.

i better go find my friends.

and feed the betta fish.

:)
lou

4:44 am, post christmas day

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

4:44 am, post christmas day

it is 4:44. i am not in bed yet. i have been sitting here by the fire talking with one of my oldest friends, and solving all the troubles in the world including relationships. he has toddled off to bed now, and i am sitting here ruminating and pondering christmas, time, and relationships (the one topic that has occupied much of my thinking for most of december). yayy!!! more depressing blatherings on relationships! hahaha :)

the large focal point of the holiday, christmas day, is over. thank goodness i made it another year. i dont always do well with christmas. i work real hard to remain positive, try to have a good time regardless of what my emotions are doing, and try to be upbeat. inside, almost every year, i go through this heart wrenching sense of failure, sadness, and i feel so alone in this world...almost every year i go through this, and have done so for a long long time now. and it doesnt matter what i am doing, i usually have some remnants of wretched feelings hanging around some place in the back of my subconscious or conscious thinking. so i try to do the best i can with what i have, and to have a good time.

i tried talking to the real life guy i have been seeing about some of this...just told him i get emotional and can be weird at this time of year...and i dont think he understood or got it. i spent three weeks trying to convince myself to stop seeing him just to avoid anything negative happening with him even though things have been good with us. the last time i saw him, i said to him as i was leaving that if he wanted to stop seeing me to do it then as i couldnt handle anything emotional happening around the holidays, and he said that there was nothing to worry about. now, i think i totally wrecked things with him a couple of days before christmas. he hadnt made any time for me through the holiday season, and couldnt take two minutes out of his busy housework schedule to ask me how i was doing when i messaged him hoping to find out if we were going to get together sometime before i left to come home for christmas. he just launched right into how busy he was, and how he had friends coming over soon, and he had so much housework to do. i shot off a snotty comment to him about how i know that i am not considered the same as his friends, and heaven forbid he actually include me in a social event. i wasnt very nice to him. i felt insulted that he couldnt take even two minutes out of his day to simply say how are you when we hadnt talked in ten days. he had told me he would be busy, but i think i am worth that, i am worth a polite greeting from someone i have been seeing even if its casual. it really hurt that he didnt think me worth that. i didnt like how he said that if he had a spare five minutes he might give me a call later. and it really bothered/bothers me that he doesnt include me in anything social, that we dont even go out to dinner or to the movies together. i am not a bad person to be around. i am certainly nothing to be ashamed of, nor are there any reasons to keep me hidden in the house and to not introduce me to his friends.

sometimes, its easier to self destruct something that encroaches on my emotions than it is to try to face them and solve the situation. i am spending a lot of time right now convincing myself that this is okay, and that i am worth a man who can take two minutes to ask me how i am, rather than brush me off because his housework is more important. its christmas, and he couldnt take the time to even ask how i am doing. i deserve better treatment than this from a man who i have been seeing, even if it is only casual. i think that it may be over. he hasnt contacted me, and i havent contacted him. i dont know. its probably just as well. i cant handle being hidden away much longer..it makes me feel so bad. i can understand and appreciate how he doesnt want to lead his friends onto thinking that i am his girlfriend, but this continually being hidden away from everyone is making me feel bad about myself. bad and cheap...and i dont like feeling this way at all.

i talked to my friend about this tonight. he said that maybe this guy is crazy about me and doesnt know what to do with it. i laughed and i said i dont think so! i know he likes me, enjoys my company, and i dont think he wants any more than that. i really liked him an awful lot. he easily has 80 or 90% of what i am looking for in a man, and i enjoyed his company so much...i gladly would have become his girlfriend, and tried that out to see how we did together as a couple. oh well. it takes two people to feel that way, and i cant force someone to like me. i am just going to let this go, and see what happens.

and so it is.

lou

solstice

Thursday, December 21, 2006
solstice
yesterday was the solstice. its still is to me as i havent gone to bed yet. its been a rather bleak emotional time, appropriate considering it is the longest night of the year. i have so much in my head, so many emotions in my heart. i feel torn in some ways. i am torn between emotion and logic, a place i intensely dislike being in yet often find myself. i wish that my head and heart wouldnt struggle so. it was easier when my head ruled everything. then, i just walked away from things and didnt look back. then i rediscovered my emotions in my late late twenties, and its been hell ever since. and the older i get, the stronger the emotions get.

my heart has been breaking today.

i am looking to the light of the new year.

lou

true love and connections

Monday, December 11, 2006 true love and connections 

 i read an essay earlier this year which stayed with me. it was about true love and connections. i think bell hooks, in her book "all about love: new visions," has a wonderful theory. to condense, hooks explains true love as the total acceptance of another person, of unconditional and selfless love, and of loving simply to support the other person to be the best person they can be, to lift them up and watch them succeed in all areas. when we are in this relationship, we can truly be ourselves and drop all pretenses. unfortunately, when we meet other people, we are often on our best behaviour - we look our best, smell nice, say the right things...and our true self is not shown. which is why, when we have fallen in love, we can fall out of love a couple of years later when the true self arises. we end up wondering what happened to the person we fell in love with. yet the person that shows up two years later is more the true self rather than the persona we fell in love with. true love accepts the true self of another person, true love enables the true self to be revealed. (and yes, i think goffman was really onto something with his dramaturgy theory of interpersonal interaction, and jung with personas.) to carry on with bells theory, we can meet people and have a connection with them. we can have connections with more than one person in our lifetime. we can meet someone and share an amazing connection with them yet, for some reason, the relationship can fizzle out. this occurs because one of the people is not ready to delve into the potential bonding of two people. most of us yearn for true love, yet when we are faced with the real possibility of it occurring, we can shy away and are not prepared to embrace it and to allow the relationship to progress. true love takes a lot of courage from both people. we will be lucky if we experience true love once in our lifetime, if at all. so.. this is what i think about when i think of true love, of meeting and of choosing to love someone. i think of this selfless love, and that is what i aim to give. if i love someone, i will give them everything i can emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. unfortunately, i do not always think that i deserve it back in return so i tend to give far more than what i get back. this is what part of my journey into relationships is about. it is about accepting love in return, and about expecting more than what i currently accept. smudge the cat is here. he is trying to climb up on my shoulder again to nuzzle into my hair. he loves me as long as i put food in his bowl...i guess animal love isnt unconditional. i have graphics waiting that i have to finish today. i should probably move on with the day, and get some work done. i hope that you have a smile today, and that something pretty comes your way. :) lou

more relationship rattlin's

Sunday, December 10, 2006 more relationship rattlin's

 i did go to the beach yesterday, and came home feeling grounded. i needed to go and have the wind whip through my hair, and to blow away all the feelings i have been having. i am still quite introspective. still not sad, still not angry, just introspective. i deleted my dating profiles today. i need to do that at this time. i kept two sites active but hidden because they have quizzes on them, and i really like quizzes. i have never met nor chatted with anyone from either of those sites, and dont actually use them. i should probably delete those too. i just really like those stupid personality quizzes! :) (and yes, i really like those 20 things about me you didnt know questions too, both getting and sending them out.) i feel a sense of freedom from getting rid of the sites. i went through my msn list too, and deleted all the guys i had added through the sites over the last couple of years. i did a huge purge a few weeks back, and just did the final one now. they are all gone. ok...i just wrote and asked how to delete a profile at the one site. they do not have instructions anywhere on how to remove yourself, and the only option i can find is to hide profile from public view, which i had already done. and looking at the other site, its not a dating site, its just a quiz site. i am thinking when i signed up to these sites, that they were initially one site which has been split into different areas now. i think this was one of the first sites i was ever on, and only joined it for the quizzes. anyhow...a huge load feels like it has shifted from my shoulders deleting all these accounts and msn men from my computer (even though i wasnt talking to any of them). i just need to be off the sites for awhile. dating sites are great for meeting folks, they are ideal. but, like anything, there is a downside. the easy availability of a new date for every week is one of them. i honestly have no idea how many men i have met through dating sites, nor how many first dates i have been on. very very few of them make it to a second date, and even fewer to a third. i have met some wonderful men, super guys. only one man misrepresented himself. overall, my experiences have been pleasant. lately, all i do is politely turn away guys who do show interest, and send messages with men on the dating sites who i know in real life. it is time. i have to shut the sites off. i dont know if i really want to meet anymore guys from online. none of the men i have met have been willing to delete, or shut off, their profiles after they meet me. its almost like they have to hang onto them like security blankets, always looking for the next best thing. it makes me feel like they cant take the time and energy to actually get to know me, the woman who is standing right there with them. instead, they are more interested in clicking their way through profiles and finding the next person to go meet for coffee. i am not talking about shutting the sites off within days of meeting...i am talking after a couple of months of regular dating has gone on. when i have been seriously dating someone, i have shut my profiles off. it seems to be the right thing to do to me, to give the guy my undivided attention. in my opinion, this is the biggest downside of online dating. its too easy to just continue to search for that illusive perfect someone, which hearkens back to my soul mate rant.....i dont think that there is one perfect someone out there for any of us. it just plain logically is not possible. i would like to be with someone who only wants to date one person at a time. i think the male patchwork i have had going on now for the last few years is starting to wear on me. i meet guys, and talk to them, and tell them my views on monogamy. so many times they assume that i dont want a monogamous relationship. just because i can understand something doesnt mean that it is the path i choose to follow. i understand many things yet i dont do all of them. i was cleaning out some emails today, and found one from a guy in the summer who assumed i didnt want a one on one relationship since i was dating more than one guy at a time. he was so wrong about me. needless to say, he made it to the delete list today. hahahaha :) i answer honestly when i say i dont know if i will ever marry. i cant predict that. would i like to live with a man and forge a life together? most certainly. would i like to be one on one with a man? possibly. do i want children? maybe, most likely if i met the right guy. do i want an engagement ring? not necessarily. do i want a wedding ring? not necessarily. do i want commitment? i sure do. i read a post on a site or some place about having to be ready to have a relationship yourself, about having to be in the right head space. she talked about how our expectations play such a large role, and she talked about loving yourself. i am learning to love myself again after the five deaths, my mom and ex-fiance leaving me, then the manic reaction to zyban. the drug reaction was the worst as it stole so much of my personality and i behaved so out of character at that time. when the drug was in my system, i acted in ways i am ashamed of and yet i have to accept them as they are a part of me. it was a rough road getting back and accepting what i went through. at times i really didnt like me. but now, i am ready to love myself again. i have to. i just had a flurry of emails with the final dating site. it turns out they are affiliated with the personality testing site as i thought, and that if i delete that account, i lose all my test results. so...the account is staying, and just will not be available for public viewing. i was just daydreaming out the window for a moment. it is a beautiful day here. the suns out, and is glittering off the snow that is all nicely melting away. the sky is a clear clear blue. if i didnt have to work tonight, i would be off chasing sunsets to another beach to take more pictures of the lake. i feel rather peaceful inside now. deleting my accounts was a good thing to do. smiles, lou :)

dream of a boy child

Saturday, December 09, 2006

i had a dream this morning about a small boy child.  i was working as a social worker with another woman, and we were to look after this little boy.  he had been neglected so badly that he never spoke out to anyone to ask for anything, he would just sit quiet hoping someone would notice him.  sometimes, he would act out terribly bad, again hoping someone would notice him.  it was a classic case of neglect.

we were in this car, a huge car (it was a dream, you can have a huge car that you can walk around in!).  we were in the back seat.  a man came and joined us, he was helping us build something wooden, a large bench-like structure.  the boy started acting out, and the man started telling him off.  i asked the man to go outside with me.  once we were outside, i told him the story of the boy, and asked him to please stop telling him off.  i said about him being neglected, how he couldnt voice his needs, and he needed attention, positive attention, so to please stop yelling at him.  the man understood.

i opened up the car door, and asked the boy to come with me.  he wasnt going to take his coat, even though it was cold out.  i had to remind him to grab his jacket.

the dream shifted, and we were at a large institutional type setting.  the boy would have to sit at this long table full of big guys who were all really rough, or were totally shut down emotionally.  i went there and took him out of this setting.  i took him to the hallway where i held him and hugged him.  i told him not to worry, that i wouldnt let anyone hurt him anymore, then i told him about my own childhood, how i really understood what he was going through.  i had a hard time not crying in my dream.

*************

in reality, i have been spending much time this week thinking about my mom and my childhood, and how they relate to my current life situation.  i have been deeply introspective for the last two weeks.  i am not crying, i am not sad, just deeply introspective.  i expect and accept less than what i am worth, less than what i deserve.  my online friend and i have talked about this in the last few months.  i know that i have to take small steps to change, i cant do this all at once.  in the past, whenever i have made changes, i have pondered them for a long time, then suddenly change so much and so fast that i know the changes look like they are not premeditated at all.  this time, i am making myself go slowly.

i know i should do something, and i am avoiding doing it.  i know that it is best for me emotionally, best all the way round really.  i just dont know how to do it, when to do it, or what i should actually do to do it.  i am going to drive to the beach this afternoon to take some photos of the sunset, and to do some thinking while driving.

before i go though...i am still thinking...  hahahaha :)

its amazing that relationships get started at all by any people when they get to be around my age.  i know so many people who are wounded and full of battle scars, that it is remarkable that any of us ever learn to open up our hearts again.  i think it takes work, a lot of work, to reach the point where we are able to be vulnerable once more.  i want to be vulnerable with someone who wants to be vulnerable with me.  i want to share hopes, dreams, wishes, and memories.  i want to plan a future with someone, to support, and to be supported.

in the meantime though, what i should do, and am thinking about how to do, is a way of quelling my vulnerability, a way of squashing it away once more, a way of protecting my heart.  i know its the best thing that i should be doing at this time.  its been a lousy year, i made so many poor decisions, and i want so badly to start the year off good.  last year, i started it off with a huge fight with a dear dear friend, and i regretted so much what happened, so very much.  in the past, i had two relationships end around the holidays....one ex-boyfriend was violent on christmas eve, and my ex-fiance ended our relationship with a phone call on new years eve.  needless to say, childhood christmases were mostly wretched.  i dont want to take any emotional chances around christmas or new years, my heart is too precious for that.

~ lou

more childhood yammerings, happy feet, & a friends happy daughter

Wednesday, December 06, 2006  

 i found some family pictures on the computer yesterday. i took them at my nans apartment a couple of years ago, and forgot they were on the computer. today, i fixed some up. here is me as a very young girl, probably about the age i was when my dad died. i look so innocent. every time i have encountered something negative in my life, at least as an adult, i have worked very hard not to become bitter. i get so afraid that one day i will wake up full of snarly, unhappy wrinkles crawling all over my face, that i work very hard at accepting what has happened to me. i also sit with a smile on my face when alone hoping that smile wrinkles will dance over my cheeks instead of sad furrows. and that is a quirk i have carried around for a long time. i have been finding it a bit difficult to accept that my mom was just a lousy mom period. i still want to justify what she did to me, give the reasons for her acting the way she did. but still, i was the child, and she was the adult. i was an innocent child, and she should have been the protector of me, and made sure that i did not come to harm. she never accepted that role, ever. i was left to my own devices for much of my life as a child, a teenager, and an adult. people wonder and ask me why i dont have a relationship with my mom, why i never see her. it has been easily six years since last i had a conversation with her. i found it easier to deal with letting go of her than to continually try to work on a relationship with her. the work was mostly one sided, and i only ever saw her make an effort towards me once. my adult life with her consisted of bailing her out of situations she got into, paying her bills and debts, listening to her drunken middle of the night suicide calls when i had no car to go intervene. she caused far more pain in my life when she was in my life, than she does out of my life. it was her choice to stop seeing me, i made her angry some how. and i simply let her go. for once, i did not go after her and try to patch things up, try yet another route of getting to know her, try once again at being the perfect daughter. i saw my mother two years ago in person. she did not recognize me as she came over to ask me questions about the artwork i was selling for a friend. when she realized it was me, she looked horrified, gasped, covered her mouth with her hand and backed away. i never saw her again although she shared the same space as me for an entire weekend. and i have not seen her since. sometimes, it is easier to let go. i know that my attitude towards this may sound cowardly, or it may sound like i am a terrible daughter. i am sure some folks may well think that i am a horrid person for doing this. i spent less than eight years of my life living with this woman, and she has caused me endless pain. she let me down many times, and never stood by my side. in her mind, i was always lying about everything. i didnt lie as a child, and i dont lie now. as a result of growing up defending everything i said, i can be quite defensive now as an adult if someone tends to disbelieve what i am saying. as a result of her leaving me all the time, i expect people to leave me. as a result of her never being there for me, i tend to try to face the world alone. i shouldnt have to feel this way. i dont believe it, i just went to justify her behaviour yet again. there is no justification for her behaviour. i was a child. she was my mom. she failed me. i deserved better. whew...i cant believe how heavy this keeps making my chest feel. i need to write about something happy. :) :) :) :) :) ok.... :) i went to see happy feet today. all by myself, to the afternoon matinee downtown. i ate a huge bag of buttered popcorn too. i think this is one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. i kept wanting to cry throughout it, and am quite thankful that no one was there with me. i love stories about underdogs who come out on top. i love stories about people (in this case penguins) who fight for people. the music was wonderful. i left the theatre feeling much happier than when i went in. but...i went back and watched a second movie. same theatre, half an hour later. soooo boring i almost got up and left. but i kept watching with that fascination wondering if it was going to turn the corner, wondering if the film was going to get better. it didnt. hahahaha :) so instead i will think about happy feet. tappity tappity tap! i played with my friends little girl the other day. it was delightful to see her. i had played with her as an infant. she is such a joy of a child. she is around four years old now, toddler belly, little legs, curious about everything, laughing, giggling, mischievous. i simply loved spending the evening with her. she is so lucky to have the mom she has. my friend makes a great mom. she does a super job of looking after her daughter. i am so happy to see this, so happy. i am smiling inside my heart right now. i hope that you got to smile at something good today too. :) lou

happy tuesday and pondering on dreams

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

happy tuesday and pondering on dreams

its tuesday. and for some reason, i am happy it is tuesday. no particular reason. i am just happy. and it is tuesday.

:)

i hope that you are having a happy tuesday too!

later on tuesday...

the cat is crawling up my lap, heading towards my shoulder, hoping for some attention....

pondering on dreams
*******************
i wonder whether other people have the same dreams as i am having when i am dreaming about them. or if maybe i am in their dream, only the dream is different. see, we dont remember all of our dreams so we quite easily could be either having the same dream as someone else, or be sharing dream space but having different dreams with the same people in them.

sometimes i dream about people i do not know. i did that on the weekend. i had a dream about folks i have not met nor seen pictures of. they were all rather friendly, to say the least.

i like tracking my dreams sometimes, and looking for patterns within them. lately, my dreams have been about relationships. turquoise showed up last week, and dyed green agate on the weekend. cats were in my dreams last week as well. the dream on the weekend had me naked and meeting people who i never expect to meet in real life. i was comfortable meeting them, and didnt feel ashamed at my nakedness. i had a shower in the living room in that dream too, and was using towels to mop the water up out of the carpet, and had one wrapped around me in front of the people there. why i was showering in the living room is beyond me. hahahaha :)

if we dream about people we have never met, even though we do not remember the dreams, this may have something to do with having that sense of having met someone before. maybe we already did meet them in our dreams.

i think dreams are a way of working on our problems, and allow the brain to release tension and troubles. research shows that if we are continually woken up, and not allowed to dream when sleeping, that eventually we will starting dreaming while awake. the brain needs to dream.

i havent remembered any of my dreams over the last two days. maybe tomorrow i will wake up and remember my travels from the night before. i hope so. i think i need to return to sleeping with a dream journal. i kept one years ago. sometimes, i would find dreams that i had written out in there that i had no recollection of ever writing. i find dream journaling is a good way to get in touch with my inner self, something i am working on doing right now.

its still tuesday. i am still happy. tuesday. happy. dreams.

i think i am going to go have popcorn for supper.

:)
lou

more relationship rambles

 

Friday, December 01, 2006

i went to therapy today.  i have been tracking my dreams, and we have been talking about them.  today started off with a nightmare i had this week, and progressed from there.  one thing led to another, and we wound up talking about when i was a little girl.

when i was a little girl, i learned not to need much.  i usually would follow this statement with a justification of why my mother was the way she was, but i have to break that habit, and just face it for what it was.  i have to see this through my own eyes.  she was not a good mother.  period.  ok, i just went to justify it again, and had to delete that.  so i am going to work on just facing it for what it was.  i was a child with needs, and i didnt get what i needed.  my father was killed when i was five, and i came to live in canada with my mother and stepfather when i was six after not living with her for just over three years.  i came to live with my mom after a traumatic event in my life, and did not receive any emotional support from her.  she didnt even know how to feed me properly.  she wasnt a good cook, and sometimes didnt cook at all, so sometimes we didnt get fed at all.  i wasnt allowed to touch her as a child.  sometimes, she would let me brush her hair.  that is all the physical contact i remember with her.  i dont remember her washing me, or hugging me.  i dont even remember her petting me on the head.

before i came to live with my mom, i had spent a lot of time with my grandmother.  she loved me dearly.  she used to wash me, feed me, and hug me.  she would tuck me into bed at night.  i still remember the way she felt, and the way the soap smelled.  i always knew she cared for me.  it was hard coming to canada and leaving her behind.  canada was so big and so cold.  i came here just before the snow fell, and i lived in a town with a lot of snow.  in england we had only ever had smears of snow on the ground, nothing real.  in canada we had snow the size of myself.  so big we could tunnel in it when playing.

i spent a lot of time outside as a child.  hours and hours.  we moved to a village when i was seven with a huge bush and farm lands up a hill behind, and a valley with a large river across the road from our house.  i would sing to the woods behind our house, i knew all the plants names and the trees.  i had a fort built with sticks cut down from trees and placed in between two lilac bushes.  my stepfather helped me to make it.  i would go play down at the river.  sometimes i played with other kids in the village.  i spent a lot of time alone.  and i read books.  i read everything i could pick up.  we had boxes of books in our house, and i read my way through many of them.  i was reading adults books by the age of ten or eleven.  i quickly outgrew the childrens books.  thats what i remember most doing with myself...reading books, and being outside.  i dont remember much time spent in the house, nor much time spent with my mom.  one summer we read a book together.  we used to eat the cheese that comes in the red box on tuc crackers, lay outside in the sunshine and she read to me.  i loved it when she did that.  she made me a dress that matched her dress once.  white with tiny brown dots on it.  i was so proud to be dressed just like my mom.  that was when i was first here.  i think she tried sometimes to be good.  mostly though, she failed.  she just plain was not a good mom.  i was a kid and i needed feeding, and washing, and hugging.  i should have been read to to go to sleep, not reading to myself.  she hardly ever came into my room.  my sister and i shared the upstairs of the house.  my mom and stepdad were downstairs.

my stepdad was good to me.  he introduced me to books, taught me perspective in art, and to really look at things.  he taught me to be independent and to think for myself.  he tried to be good to me, and to instill in me the things he thought i would need as i grew up.  he was a decent man.  eccentric and decent.  i was lucky to have him in my life for awhile.  my mom left him when i was around eleven, and i hardly saw him after that.

ok...i am not going to proceed any further with this tonight.  my therapist suggested that i work on things a bit at a time.  i tend to jump right into things head first, and i really cant do that with emotional processing.  one thing at a time.

i am feeling very introspective tonight.  not sad, not depressed, just introspective.  pondering a lot, thinking about things that have happened when i was a little girl, things that are happening in my life today, and how the two are tied in together.  i definitely know that my relationship with my mom as a child has impacted my attitude towards intimate relationships today.  when i am in an intimate relationship, i often feel as though i am just waiting for them to walk out.  i am always ready to protect myself.

in daily life, i dont spend much time thinking about my childhood, not to the level i am today.  its usually something i try to shrug off, and put into the best light possible.  i used to have food issues and was mostly underweight in my teens and twenties.  i overcame my food issues sometime around the age of 30.  now i am chubby and am ok with it.  usually, in regards to my childhood, i tell people i was a lucky kid as i got to live with so many people that i had a lot of input and didnt just have two people formulating me.  the reality is that i spent much of my childhood very alone with very little love when i came to canada.  and i learned not to expect much emotionally from other people.  i also learned not to rely on anyone.  both of these lessons are detrimental to trying to have intimate relationships with other people.

i just went to justify why my mom behaved the way she did.  this is quite ingrained in me.  she wasnt good.  period.  she was emotionally and physically abusive at times too.  i am not going into that here.  but sometimes, home just wasnt a good place to be.  she was the adult, i was the child.  and she did not treat me well.

relationship rambles

november 30, 2006

it has been awhile since i have written.  once upon a time, i used to be faithful to my journals.  i always wrote in the same book, i wrote almost daily.  these days, i write when the mood strikes me.  i also write wherever i happen to be at the time.  so there are notes scattered throughout text books, on the computer in various files, in a 3d journal, in emails to friends and to self, and the odd time at a website i belong to.  it is going to be difficult if i ever want to pull all the writings together from the last few years, and put them together to join the books on my shelf.

i finished eating a hard boiled egg chopped up on some dark rye toast, some pb on toast, and drinking a decaf about fifteen minutes ago. the cat has just left me for the futon after sitting beside me gently patting me with his paw until i let him sit on my shoulder for a five minute snuggle. the life of a cat. wouldn't i just love to be able to sit on someones shoulder for five minutes, snuggle a bit into their hair, then bounce off to a soft spot to wash and nap away the afternoon.

i have skipped school today. i am exhausted. i am spending a "just for loula" day, and am focusing on good things and being optimistic. when last i wrote here, i was trying to find work. i found a contract job where i learned so much about working on a questionnaire research project. i loved what i was doing!!! i am rather addicted to finding out facts and information. 

when the contract finished, i decided to go back to university and work on a computer programming degree, as i spend so much time on the stupid machines. well...halfway through august i discovered that i do not have a natural bend towards being a programmer, so am now in a mishmash of courses that i am hoping will enhance my employability as a social or market research assistant. i also work at three jobs, trying to make ends meet, and usually running myself ragged in the process. since i am so stressed, my brain seems to have taken a bit of a walkabout vacation, and is not holding onto information as well as it should be. needless to say, this adds to the stress...and so the cycle continues. i should add in here too...most days i am quite happy, just my stress load gets to be too much and i get exhausted mentally and physically. 

i have gone back to therapy to do some constructive work on relationships. all kinds of relationships - intimate, work, friends, family. the older i get, the more i realize that i have troubles getting close to men, really getting close that is, being vulnerable, and completely opening up and letting them into my heart and soul. i also have terrible boundaries with all people at times, and can splurt out the odd totally inappropriate thing at the odd totally inappropriate time. 

i think it has been six years this new years eve since i had a serious romantic relationship. a number of men have passed through my life via various forms of dating, but none of them have become a boyfriend. i think i have intimacy issues. i also tend to attract, and be attracted to, men who are just as terrified of relationships as i am. so this doesn't bode well for choosing to be in love. 

currently, i have two men in my life. one is online, 2d. he keeps me balanced and grounded. he knows more about me than almost anyone else in the world although we have never talked nor met in real life. he has been a part of my life for five years now, and i dont regret any of the time i spend with him chatting. he is extremely intelligent. i love him in a way, enjoy him a lot, and would quite possibly happily move into a relationship if it went that way. but it is not looking like it ever will. so i enjoy the situation for what it is, and try not to think too much about tomorrow. 

the other man is in real life, 3d. he has been around for much of the last year. it is a casual situation, and we just hang out and enjoy each others company. no pressure, no relationship, not much of anything but company. he is extremely intelligent. i care about him, enjoy him a lot, and would quite possibly happily move into a relationship if it went that way (notice the echo ). but its not looking like it ever will. so i enjoy the situation for what it is, and try not to think too much about tomorrow. 

the odd time i date a new man, go for coffee, eat some food...but nothing ever comes of the dating; no one ever causes me to feel butterflies dancing in my belly. i did meet a man who had oodles of potential, if only he lived closer... i am optimistic that one day, someone will show up, someone who i can let myself totally go and fall head over heels deeply in love with, and who will love me back in return. i believe. maybe. in the meantime, i struggle with my own logical argument in regard to relationships. 

between the two men who are in my life, i find some sort of balance. they fulfill my need for intimate contact in an odd sort of way. the bits that they dont take care of, get taken care of by my girlfriends, and sometimes i am able to make it home to nourish my soul with family folks. it is a patchwork life for sure, and one that usually works out quite well for me. however... 

i would like to be in a relationship. an intimate relationship with one person. one person whom i can trust, and be trusted by. someone to grow with, and whom i can work with on future goals and dreams. i sometimes think that my notion of an intimate relationship with one person is something that is almost totally out of bounds and out of reach for me, but i am working towards it. i am more than willing to work on being open to someone in real life. more than willing to open up. i just need to find a man who realizes that it will take a lot of patience to be with me, and who will give me space when i need to run away if i get too scared. someone who realizes that i can work on destroying a relationship without even realizing it, and that i will push away the very thing that i need and desire, an intimate relationship. its like "let me see how fast i can destroy this before it reaches out and hurts me...let me stop this before it can become anything...let me self destruct it...if i get to close, then i run the risk of being hurt..so let me just keep the entire thing at arms length, and end it before i get hurt." obviously, the two guys who are currently in my life work out quite well with me as neither of them is available for a relationship on a full time basis. 

so yes, i am rather dysfunctional when it comes to intimate relationships with men. i am sure that part of this stems from my own thinking and logic. i believe that we can love more than one person at a time, and that there are different forms of intimacy. i dont believe in one soul mate for the rest of my life. however, i do believe in soul mates in general. i believe that there are some folks who we just have to meet, we have no choice. they are the people who spur us on, and cause us to grow in some dimension. i found a website somewhere, in which the author spoke about soul mates, and introduced the concept of a twin flame. she said that soul mates are not always good...they are people who we have to learn lessons with, and not all lessons are happy lessons. this is not to say that soul mates are bad...they aren't. soul mates can bring much joy as well. twin flames, on the other hand, are the people whom we resonate with, we are comfortable. 

i know that i have met soul mates in the past. people who i am drawn to, yet i cannot always explain why. i know that i have shared deep and meaningful connections with people. some have been short lived, some long term. and i know that i still have the ability to love, and to trust a member of the opposite sex. i have been talking and thinking about this a lot lately, the whole notion of romantic relationships with one person. i sometimes wonder if i will just carry on the trend i have had the last few years, of sometimes having more than one male in my life at a time. maybe i will live my life with an endless string of lovers, and will never truly find love. i am quite capable of being monogamous and true to one man, and one man only, and would love to do so. i could stay true for the rest of my life, if i was so inclined to be with someone. i would love to have a completely exclusive relationship on the physical and emotional levels. but that is not to be at this time, and so i have a patchwork situation instead. and no, i dont have a heap of sexual adventures going on in my life. 

i have been advised to never marry. i have been given this advice from more than one person. i dont know why people tell me not to marry. i have never heard of anyone else being given this advice. my father told me when i was in my twenties to love men, to have as many lovers as i desired, to live with as many men as i wanted to, but to never marry any of them. that marriage only leads to ruin. another male friend of mine told me to never marry anyone, because when you marry you give up on your own dreams, and you never do what you truly want to do for yourself. to this day, he has never been married. i have had married folk as well tell me to never marry, that its not worth it. and there is such a high divorce rate, over 50%, to back this advice up. 

i have spent a lot of time in the past spouting off to anyone who would listen that marriage is nothing more than a social organizational tool. that we, by nature, are not meant to be monogamous with one person for the rest of our lives. we are monogamous by choice. by nature, our biological drives push us to reproduce with many people, that way we ensure the survival of our species. bring in social organization though, which is what we need as we have such a mass of population, and along comes marriage or ownership of some form to keep track of who is where and with whom. 

so being that we are innately non-monogamous, i think it stands to reason that we do not have one true soul mate or twin flame for the rest of our life. why would we have just one other person meant to satisfy our every need if, by nature, we are designed to be with many people to ensure survival of our species. this is when i think the notion of a single soul mate is something made up of romance and wishful thinking, something along the lines of cinderella and the handsome prince. i think, in reality, that we have many soul mates and twin flames who we meet with, learn from, grow with, and then often times part or maintain more of a distance. 

i also think about growth. two people will never grow at the same rate for the rest of their lives be it intellectually, emotionally, physically or whatever form of growth people go through. we are all so very different. when two people are together all of the time, they cannot possibly always be in the same head space. it is during those times that i think divorce can take place, when folks give up as they feel so isolated. meanwhile, often times, if the people were able to ride out the growth separation and see it as a natural part of life, they would find that they will flow and be on the same journey again with their partner at some point. however, this may take great sacrifice of the self to do so. it could also take reaching outside of the primary relationship for support in other areas that the primary partner is not capable of providing at that time. this is a good time to rely on friendships. i think looking for one true soul mate ties into great marital dissatisfaction as folks are looking for the perfect person to compliment them and to be there for the rest of their life. meanwhile, this humanly is not possible. it would be ever so much easier in relationships if people were to accept, and admit, that people go through changes...that this is a natural process...and that people do not stay the same way forever. 

i think that monogamy and staying true to one person is choice. i dont believe in one person being the one and only for the rest of my life unless i choose for them to be so. see, when there are a variety of intimate people in my life, friends as well as boyfriends, i am more balanced. i like being able to talk and share things with more than one person at a time. but i have to ask myself...is this myself playing tricks with myself forcing myself to believe that my situation is healthy and good so i dont seem so dysfunctional to myself? i dont seem to reach many of the societal standards set into place for relationships. maybe my way is healthy and good, and totally functional, and the social norms are what are wrong for me. maybe the social norms cause me to think that i am dysfunctional. maybe i am totally functional. see, most times my situation works out well for me. 

i almost got married once. once. it was the closest i ever came to it. i had three men before that who wanted to marry me, and one of them i had seriously considered. but, out of the four, there was only one who i was ready to commit to, and marry. he left me, and never really gave me a reason for going. he told me that when he was with me that he felt like he disappeared. i have a strong personality so that is quite possible. its just too bad that he could not talk to me about it. if i had of known there was a problem, i could have worked on it with him. i was even going to have children with him. in retrospect it is good that he left, because i would have had an affair on him within two or three years as our sex life was, well i don't want to go into detail. i would have been out looking for physical fulfilment elsewhere. so it is for the best that he left, as much as it brought more distrust of men into my life, it really was for the best. i have been thinking about him quite a bit lately as i have been pondering relationships. i told him one day in the car, shortly after we had been together, that if anything happened to us that it would be a long time before i could trust anyone again. it has been. he left six years ago, and i have been single ever since. i didn't cry much when he left, i was mostly angry at the betrayal. he was not open with me, and had lived a lie. i cant abide liars. no matter how hard it is, the truth is always best. and the truth is that he hurt me. i feel like i am over him, but have not fully recuperated from the betrayal. maybe with this focused work i am doing, i will be able to overcome some of this, and will open myself up fully to men once more. and open myself up earlier too, not like six months down the road when the other person has pretty well given up on me. 

ok, i need a break. i have been writing for at least two hours now, and would like some cake and custard. which means i need to go to the store. cake and custard are allowed today as its "loula's day to be good to herself." 

may sunshine and happy things smile on you.

lou