4:44 am, post christmas day

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

4:44 am, post christmas day

it is 4:44. i am not in bed yet. i have been sitting here by the fire talking with one of my oldest friends, and solving all the troubles in the world including relationships. he has toddled off to bed now, and i am sitting here ruminating and pondering christmas, time, and relationships (the one topic that has occupied much of my thinking for most of december). yayy!!! more depressing blatherings on relationships! hahaha :)

the large focal point of the holiday, christmas day, is over. thank goodness i made it another year. i dont always do well with christmas. i work real hard to remain positive, try to have a good time regardless of what my emotions are doing, and try to be upbeat. inside, almost every year, i go through this heart wrenching sense of failure, sadness, and i feel so alone in this world...almost every year i go through this, and have done so for a long long time now. and it doesnt matter what i am doing, i usually have some remnants of wretched feelings hanging around some place in the back of my subconscious or conscious thinking. so i try to do the best i can with what i have, and to have a good time.

i tried talking to the real life guy i have been seeing about some of this...just told him i get emotional and can be weird at this time of year...and i dont think he understood or got it. i spent three weeks trying to convince myself to stop seeing him just to avoid anything negative happening with him even though things have been good with us. the last time i saw him, i said to him as i was leaving that if he wanted to stop seeing me to do it then as i couldnt handle anything emotional happening around the holidays, and he said that there was nothing to worry about. now, i think i totally wrecked things with him a couple of days before christmas. he hadnt made any time for me through the holiday season, and couldnt take two minutes out of his busy housework schedule to ask me how i was doing when i messaged him hoping to find out if we were going to get together sometime before i left to come home for christmas. he just launched right into how busy he was, and how he had friends coming over soon, and he had so much housework to do. i shot off a snotty comment to him about how i know that i am not considered the same as his friends, and heaven forbid he actually include me in a social event. i wasnt very nice to him. i felt insulted that he couldnt take even two minutes out of his day to simply say how are you when we hadnt talked in ten days. he had told me he would be busy, but i think i am worth that, i am worth a polite greeting from someone i have been seeing even if its casual. it really hurt that he didnt think me worth that. i didnt like how he said that if he had a spare five minutes he might give me a call later. and it really bothered/bothers me that he doesnt include me in anything social, that we dont even go out to dinner or to the movies together. i am not a bad person to be around. i am certainly nothing to be ashamed of, nor are there any reasons to keep me hidden in the house and to not introduce me to his friends.

sometimes, its easier to self destruct something that encroaches on my emotions than it is to try to face them and solve the situation. i am spending a lot of time right now convincing myself that this is okay, and that i am worth a man who can take two minutes to ask me how i am, rather than brush me off because his housework is more important. its christmas, and he couldnt take the time to even ask how i am doing. i deserve better treatment than this from a man who i have been seeing, even if it is only casual. i think that it may be over. he hasnt contacted me, and i havent contacted him. i dont know. its probably just as well. i cant handle being hidden away much longer..it makes me feel so bad. i can understand and appreciate how he doesnt want to lead his friends onto thinking that i am his girlfriend, but this continually being hidden away from everyone is making me feel bad about myself. bad and cheap...and i dont like feeling this way at all.

i talked to my friend about this tonight. he said that maybe this guy is crazy about me and doesnt know what to do with it. i laughed and i said i dont think so! i know he likes me, enjoys my company, and i dont think he wants any more than that. i really liked him an awful lot. he easily has 80 or 90% of what i am looking for in a man, and i enjoyed his company so much...i gladly would have become his girlfriend, and tried that out to see how we did together as a couple. oh well. it takes two people to feel that way, and i cant force someone to like me. i am just going to let this go, and see what happens.

and so it is.

lou