dream of a boy child

Saturday, December 09, 2006

i had a dream this morning about a small boy child.  i was working as a social worker with another woman, and we were to look after this little boy.  he had been neglected so badly that he never spoke out to anyone to ask for anything, he would just sit quiet hoping someone would notice him.  sometimes, he would act out terribly bad, again hoping someone would notice him.  it was a classic case of neglect.

we were in this car, a huge car (it was a dream, you can have a huge car that you can walk around in!).  we were in the back seat.  a man came and joined us, he was helping us build something wooden, a large bench-like structure.  the boy started acting out, and the man started telling him off.  i asked the man to go outside with me.  once we were outside, i told him the story of the boy, and asked him to please stop telling him off.  i said about him being neglected, how he couldnt voice his needs, and he needed attention, positive attention, so to please stop yelling at him.  the man understood.

i opened up the car door, and asked the boy to come with me.  he wasnt going to take his coat, even though it was cold out.  i had to remind him to grab his jacket.

the dream shifted, and we were at a large institutional type setting.  the boy would have to sit at this long table full of big guys who were all really rough, or were totally shut down emotionally.  i went there and took him out of this setting.  i took him to the hallway where i held him and hugged him.  i told him not to worry, that i wouldnt let anyone hurt him anymore, then i told him about my own childhood, how i really understood what he was going through.  i had a hard time not crying in my dream.

*************

in reality, i have been spending much time this week thinking about my mom and my childhood, and how they relate to my current life situation.  i have been deeply introspective for the last two weeks.  i am not crying, i am not sad, just deeply introspective.  i expect and accept less than what i am worth, less than what i deserve.  my online friend and i have talked about this in the last few months.  i know that i have to take small steps to change, i cant do this all at once.  in the past, whenever i have made changes, i have pondered them for a long time, then suddenly change so much and so fast that i know the changes look like they are not premeditated at all.  this time, i am making myself go slowly.

i know i should do something, and i am avoiding doing it.  i know that it is best for me emotionally, best all the way round really.  i just dont know how to do it, when to do it, or what i should actually do to do it.  i am going to drive to the beach this afternoon to take some photos of the sunset, and to do some thinking while driving.

before i go though...i am still thinking...  hahahaha :)

its amazing that relationships get started at all by any people when they get to be around my age.  i know so many people who are wounded and full of battle scars, that it is remarkable that any of us ever learn to open up our hearts again.  i think it takes work, a lot of work, to reach the point where we are able to be vulnerable once more.  i want to be vulnerable with someone who wants to be vulnerable with me.  i want to share hopes, dreams, wishes, and memories.  i want to plan a future with someone, to support, and to be supported.

in the meantime though, what i should do, and am thinking about how to do, is a way of quelling my vulnerability, a way of squashing it away once more, a way of protecting my heart.  i know its the best thing that i should be doing at this time.  its been a lousy year, i made so many poor decisions, and i want so badly to start the year off good.  last year, i started it off with a huge fight with a dear dear friend, and i regretted so much what happened, so very much.  in the past, i had two relationships end around the holidays....one ex-boyfriend was violent on christmas eve, and my ex-fiance ended our relationship with a phone call on new years eve.  needless to say, childhood christmases were mostly wretched.  i dont want to take any emotional chances around christmas or new years, my heart is too precious for that.

~ lou