i found some family pictures on the computer yesterday. i took them at my nans apartment a couple of years ago, and forgot they were on the computer. today, i fixed some up. here is me as a very young girl, probably about the age i was when my dad died. i look so innocent.
every time i have encountered something negative in my life, at least as an adult, i have worked very hard not to become bitter. i get so afraid that one day i will wake up full of snarly, unhappy wrinkles crawling all over my face, that i work very hard at accepting what has happened to me. i also sit with a smile on my face when alone hoping that smile wrinkles will dance over my cheeks instead of sad furrows. and that is a quirk i have carried around for a long time.
i have been finding it a bit difficult to accept that my mom was just a lousy mom period. i still want to justify what she did to me, give the reasons for her acting the way she did. but still, i was the child, and she was the adult. i was an innocent child, and she should have been the protector of me, and made sure that i did not come to harm. she never accepted that role, ever. i was left to my own devices for much of my life as a child, a teenager, and an adult.
people wonder and ask me why i dont have a relationship with my mom, why i never see her. it has been easily six years since last i had a conversation with her. i found it easier to deal with letting go of her than to continually try to work on a relationship with her. the work was mostly one sided, and i only ever saw her make an effort towards me once. my adult life with her consisted of bailing her out of situations she got into, paying her bills and debts, listening to her drunken middle of the night suicide calls when i had no car to go intervene. she caused far more pain in my life when she was in my life, than she does out of my life. it was her choice to stop seeing me, i made her angry some how. and i simply let her go. for once, i did not go after her and try to patch things up, try yet another route of getting to know her, try once again at being the perfect daughter.
i saw my mother two years ago in person. she did not recognize me as she came over to ask me questions about the artwork i was selling for a friend. when she realized it was me, she looked horrified, gasped, covered her mouth with her hand and backed away. i never saw her again although she shared the same space as me for an entire weekend. and i have not seen her since.
sometimes, it is easier to let go.
i know that my attitude towards this may sound cowardly, or it may sound like i am a terrible daughter. i am sure some folks may well think that i am a horrid person for doing this. i spent less than eight years of my life living with this woman, and she has caused me endless pain. she let me down many times, and never stood by my side. in her mind, i was always lying about everything. i didnt lie as a child, and i dont lie now. as a result of growing up defending everything i said, i can be quite defensive now as an adult if someone tends to disbelieve what i am saying. as a result of her leaving me all the time, i expect people to leave me. as a result of her never being there for me, i tend to try to face the world alone. i shouldnt have to feel this way.
i dont believe it, i just went to justify her behaviour yet again. there is no justification for her behaviour. i was a child. she was my mom. she failed me. i deserved better.
whew...i cant believe how heavy this keeps making my chest feel. i need to write about something happy.
:)
:)
:)
:)
:)
ok.... :)
i went to see happy feet today. all by myself, to the afternoon matinee downtown. i ate a huge bag of buttered popcorn too. i think this is one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. i kept wanting to cry throughout it, and am quite thankful that no one was there with me. i love stories about underdogs who come out on top. i love stories about people (in this case penguins) who fight for people. the music was wonderful. i left the theatre feeling much happier than when i went in.
but...i went back and watched a second movie. same theatre, half an hour later. soooo boring i almost got up and left. but i kept watching with that fascination wondering if it was going to turn the corner, wondering if the film was going to get better. it didnt. hahahaha :)
so instead i will think about happy feet. tappity tappity tap!
i played with my friends little girl the other day. it was delightful to see her. i had played with her as an infant. she is such a joy of a child. she is around four years old now, toddler belly, little legs, curious about everything, laughing, giggling, mischievous. i simply loved spending the evening with her. she is so lucky to have the mom she has. my friend makes a great mom. she does a super job of looking after her daughter. i am so happy to see this, so happy.
i am smiling inside my heart right now.
i hope that you got to smile at something good today too.
:)
lou
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