2 AM

 

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

2 am

i have been thinking an awful lot the last few days about relationships again.  i feel like i am processing "stuff" and letting go of things that need to be released.  my head has been busy.

i pulled the guitar out today and sang.  it has been so long since i have done so.  i have written songs for a few men in the past.  maybe it is time to write one for them as a collective...or maybe i should write one for a future male.  :) i have also written generic songs on love; songs that are written for no one in particular.

a new year has just begun
i am sliding down a ray of sun
my dreams are there, i realize
that i must move with changing tides.

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

magic and music end their song
body and mind they go along
mystical eyes have turned to dust
dream clouds now fill up with rust

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

time to shed of my old clothes
what i'll find no one know
burn the pains that hurt me so
and bathe them in a golden glow

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

a solo path that i walk down
is with a smile and not a frown
i kiss you now a kiss good bye
and though it hurts i will not cry

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day
a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

new years, 1991 (i think)
written for chris

chris was not a very good man.  he developed a mental disorder while i lived with him, and became violent.  the last thing i heard, he is still violent.  i saw him once about seven years ago.  he was wearing odd clothes that did not match, nor suit the place he was at.  he was ranting on in the same strange way he had started just before i left him, and wanted to speak to me.  i allowed it simply because a mutual friend was there and asked me to do it.  all he wanted to tell me is that my old cat had died.  that was the only good thing he could do, take care of the cats.  he loved them to pieces.  molly, the cat, lived to be quite old with him.  i dont feel any anger towards chris when i think of him now.  i know that he was mentally falling apart, and that drinking heavy didnt help the situation any.  the mental disorder explains why he thought that he was satan sent to this earth to kill me.  i pray that i may never run into him again.  this probably has a lot to do with me not wanting to move back to my home town.  i would be scared of him tracking me and just showing up late one night.  he is weird enough, and the town is small enough, that he would do it.

walking away from that relationship was one of the best things i have ever done.  i am so thankful that mm was there for me, and guided me home.  that was a pretty black time in my life but one that i survived.  no one ever deserves to be hit or belittled, and that includes me.

*****

i have been listening to "boys in the trees" by carly simon in the truck.  i swear every single song on that cd has meant something to me at one time or another, all the songs relating to various relationships.  i grew up with it.  maybe some day i will be singing "lets make love for old times sake, lets invite our hearts to break" for one of my past flames.  i hope that i am still active enough, interested in men, and in the position to meet up with a passionate ex lover to sing that song to him when my hair has long gone gray.


boys in the trees.  a song of being on the sidelines watching boys growing up.  a song of forbidden passion, of a girl who is supposed to be chaste feeling the surge in her heart and body for boys.
a song of regret.  a song of yearning.

i understand.


it is late, and i must sleep.

~lou

It is Sunday again

 

Sunday, March 04, 2007             

It is Sunday again.  This time, I am going to try to write using capitals.  Normally, I only use them for formal writing.  I bet I slip up pretty fast, and return to no caps.

Warning: Please ignore next paragraph if you love hairdressers and hate whining.  I am griping about hair, and whining about a new bad terrible hair cut.

I got a new hair cut the day before last.  Was feeling a bit drab with my hair, it needed cleaning up a bit.  It has been long for the last couple of years, and I tend to avoid hairdressers.  Hair cuts are a rather traumatic experience for me, even on a good day with a good hairdresser.  I told the woman what I wanted, and stopped her partway through when I saw she wasnt doing my request.  She tried to slough me off, and I mentioned it again.  Finally, she was frustrated, and I was frustrated...she simply was not doing what I had asked her to do.  She used these thinning shears/texturizing shears on me too.  I did not realize that those scissors were like having a razor taken to your hair...and my hair does not respond well to excessive thinning.  So...now I look like some version of Shirley Temple, with squared off sides, and bits that stick out down the bottom part of my neck.  And all I can do is hope for this to grow out very very fast, so I can get rid of the awful thinning out.  It looks like hell straight, and looks pretty bad curly.  I cant even put it up well as she cut so much off the back.  And yes, I wanted some taken off the back....2 or 3 inches...and I lost 5.  It is sitting above my shoulders now, and when I went in it was down to my bra strap easily.  One years worth of growth lost down the drain from one hair chair sitting.  I am okay with the length loss actually, its just the lousy thinning technique, and blunt back that are bothering me.  Especially since I specifically told her I wanted the whole front done on an angle to blend in with the back.  I will be off getting a new hair cut as fast as I possibly can to get this cleaned up.  Bad hair cuts drive me nuts more than almost anything in this entire world.  I can be in a foul mood for days after having one, and I really don't settle down until I get it cut into a workable style again.

I hate hairstylists.  I swear that they are people who are born without ears, and just big whopping scissors glued to their hands.  It would help out so much if they would listen to their clients.  It is my hair, and I know what does work, and what does not work, on it.

Grrrr.

Resume: Regular writing, mostly on relationship stuff.

Okay.  Now that is off my chest, I can carry on with the reason why I wanted to write today in the first place.

How long does it take for a person to fade from memory? Yup, still missing the real life guy, jerk that he was at times.  I really developed a soft spot for him.  Every day I think of him, every day I think of the online guy.  Really, I shouldn't be wasting my time on either of them being that neither will, or would have, a relationship with me.

Why do I fall for unattainable men? I know the answer to this, it is just hard to change my patterning, hard to change my feelings.  If I attach myself to an unattainable man, then I never have to be truly vulnerable with someone, and I set myself up so that I don't have to give myself to someone fully, and fully experience the pain of them leaving.  If that makes any sense...  Too many people left me too many times when I was a child.  Crucial developmental relationships never formed.  And I never learned the meaning of real love when I was little.  I know that I love people, and I know that there are people in this world who love me.  I also know that I am largely alone, and am used to it.  To fully open myself up to a relationship, I have to be totally vulnerable, something that is so hard for me to do.  It is easier to flit around, and just let people in so far.  By choosing unattainable men, I can keep my patterning of not having to be too vulnerable.

"and I will give up this fight....'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't...You can't make your heart feel, something it won't...Here in the dark, in these final hours...I will lay down my heart...and I'll feel the power, but you won't, no, you won't..."

I have had this playing in my head since I got up today.  I know that I still need to let go.  I did a tarot reading on hmm Friday I think, specifically about the real life guy.  It came back that he is sad right now.  I keep feeling like the line between us hasn't been severed.  Every single time I sit and focus in on him when I am being still inside, he shows as being attached to me still with a fine fine golden cord.  Sometimes he is closer to me, sometimes further away.  He is always attached.  The cable to the online guy is thicker.  He, too, is always attached to me.

I became extremely vulnerable with the online guy, especially between six months to about four years of talking.  When we had the huge fight last year, and were not chatting, it almost killed me.  I cried daily from deep in my soul, tears like I have only ever cried for one other person in my life.  I felt as though a part of me was ripped out, and left gaping, ragged, bleeding.  We are talking again now, but I have not returned to the same level of vulnerability that I gave him.  I can't do that again...not unless I know that there is a future.  I used to believe so deeply that him and I would wind up together, it just seemed so right, so natural.  Now I know that, although there is a good foundation, that it will never be.

I asked him just before Christmas if we would ever meet up, or if all chances of that are gone now.  He said that it is highly unlikely.  That hurt, and I have been trying to come to terms with it since.  The fall out with the real life guy happened the next day or so, and little wonder considering what I had just gone through with the online guy.  The one suffered for what took place with the other.  And he never knew it.

What would I ever have done if either one of these men had of wanted to have a full blown relationship with me? Would I have become so terrified of emotional intimacy that I would have pushed them both away as fast as possible? Would I have lain down like a doormat and let them do what they wanted to with me? How would I have reacted? Maybe I would have ran away, just maybe.