2 AM

 

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

2 am

i have been thinking an awful lot the last few days about relationships again.  i feel like i am processing "stuff" and letting go of things that need to be released.  my head has been busy.

i pulled the guitar out today and sang.  it has been so long since i have done so.  i have written songs for a few men in the past.  maybe it is time to write one for them as a collective...or maybe i should write one for a future male.  :) i have also written generic songs on love; songs that are written for no one in particular.

a new year has just begun
i am sliding down a ray of sun
my dreams are there, i realize
that i must move with changing tides.

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

magic and music end their song
body and mind they go along
mystical eyes have turned to dust
dream clouds now fill up with rust

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

time to shed of my old clothes
what i'll find no one know
burn the pains that hurt me so
and bathe them in a golden glow

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

a solo path that i walk down
is with a smile and not a frown
i kiss you now a kiss good bye
and though it hurts i will not cry

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day
a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

new years, 1991 (i think)
written for chris

chris was not a very good man.  he developed a mental disorder while i lived with him, and became violent.  the last thing i heard, he is still violent.  i saw him once about seven years ago.  he was wearing odd clothes that did not match, nor suit the place he was at.  he was ranting on in the same strange way he had started just before i left him, and wanted to speak to me.  i allowed it simply because a mutual friend was there and asked me to do it.  all he wanted to tell me is that my old cat had died.  that was the only good thing he could do, take care of the cats.  he loved them to pieces.  molly, the cat, lived to be quite old with him.  i dont feel any anger towards chris when i think of him now.  i know that he was mentally falling apart, and that drinking heavy didnt help the situation any.  the mental disorder explains why he thought that he was satan sent to this earth to kill me.  i pray that i may never run into him again.  this probably has a lot to do with me not wanting to move back to my home town.  i would be scared of him tracking me and just showing up late one night.  he is weird enough, and the town is small enough, that he would do it.

walking away from that relationship was one of the best things i have ever done.  i am so thankful that mm was there for me, and guided me home.  that was a pretty black time in my life but one that i survived.  no one ever deserves to be hit or belittled, and that includes me.

*****

i have been listening to "boys in the trees" by carly simon in the truck.  i swear every single song on that cd has meant something to me at one time or another, all the songs relating to various relationships.  i grew up with it.  maybe some day i will be singing "lets make love for old times sake, lets invite our hearts to break" for one of my past flames.  i hope that i am still active enough, interested in men, and in the position to meet up with a passionate ex lover to sing that song to him when my hair has long gone gray.


boys in the trees.  a song of being on the sidelines watching boys growing up.  a song of forbidden passion, of a girl who is supposed to be chaste feeling the surge in her heart and body for boys.
a song of regret.  a song of yearning.

i understand.


it is late, and i must sleep.

~lou