It is Tuesday again. What is it with Tuesday and thinking?

Yup, it is Tuesday again. Yup, I have been thinking again. Yup, all about inspiration, motivation, relationships, friendships....the topic never changes. :)

A few days ago I found an old email I sent a friend a few years ago. He had verbally cornered me online one night in a chat room, hammering at me about why I was so afraid of success and why I wasn't doing anything with myself at that time. On later reflection of our conversation, I had written to him about the ending of a long term relationship, one which I had a lot of future plans tied into, and how after the ending of that relationship I just sort of tossed all my dreams and goals out the window and gave up on the notion of a future for awhile and how difficult it still was, years after the relationship ended, to get my dreams built up again. The email was easily from five years ago, and it is only this past New Years that I think I fully processed the impact the ending of that relationship had on me. Funny how it took 9 full years to process a relationship that only lasted about 2.5 years, and one that I denied to my friends about having many feelings for. At the time it happened, one of my close friends said about how she had more sorrow for my ex than for me because I had resources to process what I was going through, and he didn't. Kind of ironic that it has taken me 9 years to process him out of my life whereas he got married something like a year and a half after our relationship ended. I have no idea what has happened to him since then. Odd how someone can just drop out of your life. I wish him well in all that he does and hope that he is happy as he actually is a good man. And for myself, I am happy to say that I have been busy the last few years re-building and working on turning my dreams into reality.

I recently erred in regards to applying for a new position at work, having misunderstood some information. And yes, I beat myself up pretty bad for missing out on this but then, after a couple of days reflection, remembered what happened after the website timed out and lost my application for the job I now hold. As a result of the site crashing, I wound up staying in the city I lived in prior for an extra year or so, and was obviously meant to spend that extra time there. I experienced an awful lot, and grew within myself in that year, and am grateful for the extra time I got to spend near friends and family. I figure I am meant to stay at a lower level in my job now for the next couple of years as I probably have more developing to do, especially in regards to team work.

It is kind of odd how I spent the first 43 years of my life screaming and struggling for independence, to be an individual, and to be more of a leader. Now, here I am, trying to learn how to fit in, to work with a group, to be more considerate of other people and am, surprise surprise - LOVING THE CHALLENGE! I never ever thought I would want to work to be a part of a group, but am finding that I truly want to do this for my job. It probably helps that I enjoy doing things that are challenging. As well, I think I am comfortable confident enough in my own self and my abilities that it is okay now to blend in. This ties into not being in survival mode as well.

Last night I got thinking of survival mode and how hard it is to give it up after spending years waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. This comes, in part, from living a life of uncertainty at times. The last couple of years before finding this job were uncertain, and I was always having to be in survival mode for them as money was pretty tight most months. Even now, after ten years of having a regular, fairly decent pay cheque, I still sometimes feel like it is all going to vanish in an instant although, slowly, I am coming to terms with the fact that yes, it is regular, and yes, it is going to stay for awhile anyhow, and no, I don't have to be in survival mode right now in any way be it emotional, physical, or financial.

I truly don't feel like I need to be in survival mode here. As I mentioned a few lines back, I am quite comfortable with what and who I have become. As well, I have a good job, live in a pleasant home, and have no reason to always have to be on the watch for "something" to happen. Maybe I can finally, totally, let go and just be and not worry about anything for awhile. It feels rather liberating although odd at the same time since it has been quite some time since i have been able to do this, to just "let go" as it were. Maybe this is how a lot of folks live life, maybe this is what it is like to just simply be "normal" and to live an ordinary life. It feels good.

And, on that note, I am signing off. I have lots more dancing around in my head but want to move on with Tuesday, get supper ready, do some sewing, and spend a bit of time dreaming...

May peace be with you,

Louise