i did go to the beach yesterday, and came home feeling grounded. i needed to go and have the wind whip through my hair, and to blow away all the feelings i have been having. i am still quite introspective. still not sad, still not angry, just introspective.
i deleted my dating profiles today. i need to do that at this time. i kept two sites active but hidden because they have quizzes on them, and i really like quizzes. i have never met nor chatted with anyone from either of those sites, and dont actually use them. i should probably delete those too. i just really like those stupid personality quizzes! :) (and yes, i really like those 20 things about me you didnt know questions too, both getting and sending them out.)
i feel a sense of freedom from getting rid of the sites. i went through my msn list too, and deleted all the guys i had added through the sites over the last couple of years. i did a huge purge a few weeks back, and just did the final one now. they are all gone.
ok...i just wrote and asked how to delete a profile at the one site. they do not have instructions anywhere on how to remove yourself, and the only option i can find is to hide profile from public view, which i had already done. and looking at the other site, its not a dating site, its just a quiz site. i am thinking when i signed up to these sites, that they were initially one site which has been split into different areas now. i think this was one of the first sites i was ever on, and only joined it for the quizzes.
anyhow...a huge load feels like it has shifted from my shoulders deleting all these accounts and msn men from my computer (even though i wasnt talking to any of them). i just need to be off the sites for awhile.
dating sites are great for meeting folks, they are ideal. but, like anything, there is a downside. the easy availability of a new date for every week is one of them. i honestly have no idea how many men i have met through dating sites, nor how many first dates i have been on. very very few of them make it to a second date, and even fewer to a third. i have met some wonderful men, super guys. only one man misrepresented himself. overall, my experiences have been pleasant. lately, all i do is politely turn away guys who do show interest, and send messages with men on the dating sites who i know in real life. it is time. i have to shut the sites off.
i dont know if i really want to meet anymore guys from online. none of the men i have met have been willing to delete, or shut off, their profiles after they meet me. its almost like they have to hang onto them like security blankets, always looking for the next best thing. it makes me feel like they cant take the time and energy to actually get to know me, the woman who is standing right there with them. instead, they are more interested in clicking their way through profiles and finding the next person to go meet for coffee. i am not talking about shutting the sites off within days of meeting...i am talking after a couple of months of regular dating has gone on. when i have been seriously dating someone, i have shut my profiles off. it seems to be the right thing to do to me, to give the guy my undivided attention. in my opinion, this is the biggest downside of online dating. its too easy to just continue to search for that illusive perfect someone, which hearkens back to my soul mate rant.....i dont think that there is one perfect someone out there for any of us. it just plain logically is not possible.
i would like to be with someone who only wants to date one person at a time. i think the male patchwork i have had going on now for the last few years is starting to wear on me. i meet guys, and talk to them, and tell them my views on monogamy. so many times they assume that i dont want a monogamous relationship. just because i can understand something doesnt mean that it is the path i choose to follow. i understand many things yet i dont do all of them. i was cleaning out some emails today, and found one from a guy in the summer who assumed i didnt want a one on one relationship since i was dating more than one guy at a time. he was so wrong about me. needless to say, he made it to the delete list today. hahahaha :)
i answer honestly when i say i dont know if i will ever marry. i cant predict that. would i like to live with a man and forge a life together? most certainly. would i like to be one on one with a man? possibly. do i want children? maybe, most likely if i met the right guy. do i want an engagement ring? not necessarily. do i want a wedding ring? not necessarily. do i want commitment? i sure do.
i read a post on a site or some place about having to be ready to have a relationship yourself, about having to be in the right head space. she talked about how our expectations play such a large role, and she talked about loving yourself. i am learning to love myself again after the five deaths, my mom and ex-fiance leaving me, then the manic reaction to zyban. the drug reaction was the worst as it stole so much of my personality and i behaved so out of character at that time. when the drug was in my system, i acted in ways i am ashamed of and yet i have to accept them as they are a part of me. it was a rough road getting back and accepting what i went through. at times i really didnt like me. but now, i am ready to love myself again. i have to.
i just had a flurry of emails with the final dating site. it turns out they are affiliated with the personality testing site as i thought, and that if i delete that account, i lose all my test results. so...the account is staying, and just will not be available for public viewing.
i was just daydreaming out the window for a moment. it is a beautiful day here. the suns out, and is glittering off the snow that is all nicely melting away. the sky is a clear clear blue. if i didnt have to work tonight, i would be off chasing sunsets to another beach to take more pictures of the lake.
i feel rather peaceful inside now. deleting my accounts was a good thing to do.
smiles,
lou
:)
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