sunday blatherings

Sunday, February 18, 2007

sunday blatherings

it is sunday. i look out the window and see snow. it is sunday.

snow.

sunday.

it is.

hmmm...

not much deep in that thought. hahahaha :)

i will go put some coffee on, and will return with possibly a more intelligent thought than sunday, snow, it is.

i took a midol while i was in there, and looked out the window.

snow.

sunday.

it is.

i dont overly feel like seeing an awful lot of people right now. i have been this way all weekend. yet, oddly enough, have been quite happy when my friends have been around and i have been out. technically, theoretically, i just want to sleep a lot.

i have been doing relationship ponderings again. i reactivated a couple of dating sites, set up new profiles, and am talking to new people. i am chatting to a number of guys who just seem like good decent people. i dont know what to think.

i am glum today. i have been this way all weekend. i feel drained, tired, and on the sad side. i sometimes wonder if i am doing all this school stuff for any purpose, if anything will ever come out of it. i used to believe in that fallacy that if you work real hard you will be rewarded and get a good job. now i think its a crock. finding a good job has just as much to do with a good network of people, and being in the right place at the right time. hard work, dedication, and education dont necessarily mean you will find a good job. and so, in may ways, i feel like i have failed.

i poured my heart and soul into going to school, just as i have poured my heart into relationships in the past. and here i sit, forty years old, single and without a good job. most days i am happy. most days i keep myself going and look on the bright side. today, i am just tired.

i am drawn like a moth to flame to unrequited love. it seems to be the story of my life of late. why do i yearn for the unachievable? why not just be content with what is available and what i have within my reach? why do i want more? why do i feel driven in this manner? it tears at my soul at times, and makes me feel so very restless inside.

i still dream of an all white apartment with nothing but a chandelier and a view of the ocean out the window.

simplicity. beauty. peace.

i have returned to yoga, which is helping me out so much. it really helps with relaxation, and i find that the terrible knots in my shoulders are gone most of the time now. my body hurts less. i have been feeling more focused since restarting meditation, and even more so now i am doing yoga. my mind is clearing.

i dont know why i am so glum this weekend. i would like to be special to someone, and to have someone be special to me. i havent felt that way with anyone for such a long time. feeling special cant be forced though, it has to come naturally.

its been almost three months, and i still miss hanging out with the real life guy. silly i know. i shouldnt care as he wasnt anyone special in my life, wasnt an important part of it. i just miss his company. i enjoyed him.

i still miss having things the way they were with the online guy too, the way they were with him back a year and a half or so ago. i really miss the dynamics we had then. i miss the intensity. the relationship has changed, evolved, and he doesnt seem to want anything more than what we have now. i still enjoy talking to him so much, but sometime wonder why we spend so much time doing it if there is no direction, no purpose, to our conversations. part of me wonders if i should walk away from it again, but then part of me knows how very hard it has been to do in the past. it is such an odd situation. so very odd. he is my interactive journal, maybe that is it. i care about him and he has been such a large part of my life for so long now. it is hard to walk away. he will never be anything more than my online friend, and i need so much more than online and yet i cannot bring myself to walk away. i have tried before, many times. he has too. we always come back. i dont really know why. maybe because we have so many shared interests, and have been such good support systems for each other over the last few years. maybe because we know each other so well. maybe because we are both single and get lonely for company at times. maybe. maybe. maybe.

in my mind i like to think that one day i may be brave enough to sell off everything i own and move far away to the ocean. i dream about this a lot. i am forty years old, and have yet to do it. my life is almost half over.

i think i have accomplished much in this life. i have faced a lot of challenges and have overcome them. i think that there is so much more to do. i dont know if forty years will be enough time.

time. my ancient old ramble from years past. time. "time is nothing more than an organizing tool used by humans to keep track of things." "time is mutable."

hand prints in time burn a mark deep in heart. i can still feel them. funny how i can still feel someone’s hands years after they touched me. i remember peoples touch.

i liked the way the real life guy smelled. he became so familiar. i have to let that go.

i have been opening myself up to meeting new guys, and to dating once more. i am ready to do this. i know that the familiarity of the real life guy needs to be replaced; i know that i need someones new smell to smell right to me, to smell good. i know...many people would think me totally bonkers talking about smell ahhahahaha :) it is something that is so important to me in dating someone. teeth are important too.

the cats are sleeping all curled up, coffee is down. i should go pour a cup.

*****
coffee pouring time
*****

*****
heated up wonton and chinese food time
*****

i dont know.

my head is so lost in thoughts today.

the chinese food place around the corner makes such good wontons. cheap too.

the coffee turned out well.

and i am moving on with the day with my chin held up high and a smile on my face. better things are bound to happen today, i just know it.

:)
lou