a love from the past

Thursday, June 21, 2007

a love from the past

i logged into a chat the other day and poof! he was there. we have not talked in so long. the old emotions hit me fast and rapid, making my heart beat a tad quicker, making my breath catch in my throat. i still love him.

i had to let him go. i know now, and i knew then, that it was the best thing to do. didnt mean that i didnt love him. it simply meant that it was the best thing to do. i cried for weeks, every night, heart broken, mourning him, and missing him so very much. and yet we spent such a short time together. it felt like it had been years. we loved intensely, passionately, deeply, and fast. and, in too short of time, it was over. just like that.

he moved eight hours away, too far for me to keep up the relationship. it was like someone bit a great big hole out of me when he left, and it took a long time for me to stop crying over him. such a gentle person was he. and i think he may be one of the few men who understood that i can love more than one man at a time, that i can see more than one as special. he is someone who could have shared me if that is what would have happened, he would have been okay with that. He encouraged me to continue on the fling i was having when we met, and he knew about jeff, and used to tease me that i would run away to virginia. when jeff found out about him, he refused to talk to me for weeks and weeks, and he never did tell me what was wrong. he didnt want me for himself, and encouraged me to meet someone else. yet, when i did, he got upset. said i hid mark from him, but i never did. i just didnt know how to tell him that mark was here. jeff and i never did resolve what happened over mark, it always remained unspoken and hidden just below the surface of everything we did.

so. we have chatted online. it has been rapid, two nights worth. and old emotions are rising in me. it is like no time has passed. i cannot fall in love all over again with this man, it is not right. he is far away, and i dont live there. this cannot be. i have to keep it at arms length, and enjoy him as a friend. no deep loving allowed.

i met him through a friend. i had gone with her to a local bar, and he was there. he kept coming over and sitting by me, yet not saying much. he just smiled a lot at me. i didnt quite know what to say. so i just smiled a lot back. i gave him my phone number when he asked, and a week or so later heard from him.

he took me on the best first date ever. we met every night before the first date to have mini pre dates where we drank milkshakes and talked until it was late in the evening. for our first official date, we rode bicycles down to the park to watch a midsummer's night dream, my favourite shakespearian play. we ate smoked salmon, vegetables and crackers, sharing food with the folks around us as we had so much to eat. later, we went to a friends place where we sat around a bonfire, played guitars and sang. we drank some wine, and enjoyed ourselves so very much, so very much. he made me feel so very special. it was a special night indeed. we wound up spending eight or ten weeks together, and bonded so tightly in that time. then he had to go.

we cried together when he was leaving. every night he wrapped himself around me and held me tight, and i never felt squashed, i always felt safe. he was so tall and so slim. he fit around me like a cloak. i have never been held like that night after night. he was so gentle with me.

i am glad that the relationship ended in the midst of passion and love. it leaves me with good memories. i still know that it was the right thing to do, and feel no regrets. i just know that once upon a time i loved a man. and i love him still.

xxoo