And so it is...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

And so it is...

And so it is...

i feel peace inside in regards to my past. finally. i can understand why i spent so many years feeling fragmented. i had to fragment myself in order to survive everything i went through. i never split up, and i never became a multiple personality...i simply fragmented instead putting parts of me away and into boxes so i wouldnt fall apart. those pieces are together now, and the story has a linear motion to it instead of being spread around all over my being. i can think back, and know what happened and in which order, something i couldnt do before. i was not able to think of my teenage years in totality. every time i tried to, i would overload and the emotions would be too much to go through.

i do not want to discuss what happened in each event that took place, i just want to look at it as a whole. the individual occurrences dont matter so much to me, it is the resulting damage i have dealt with that matters. it is like "yes, that happened, i acknowledge it, it was awful, and it is over. i have been hurt, and i have survived. i am a good person today, and today is what matters most. those things are in the past, and are done."

i lost my childhood fast, and in a tragic way. yes, that is true. my mother was awful, that too is true. the adults around at that time chose not to see what was going on, and i met a lot of real bad men. this doesnt mean that all men are bad, nor are all mothers. this simply means that the people around me at that time were not very good nor observant. i wasnt taken care of properly when i needed to be. there are no excuses for what happened, and nothing to say that any of it was okay. it was wrong, it was bad, but it happened and is over now.

i still have not cried much beyond a dozen tears for what happened to me. i dont feel as though i need to. i think i have spent countless years being depressed, sad and frustrated over this, without knowing why i felt so much unrest in my soul. now i know the cause of the unrest. and am feeling more settled. i think peace is what is important to me now. i have already cried enough.

and so this is what has happened. i am a good person today. i am not promiscuous, and i am not usually mean hearted. i work hard to stay a good person and to keep my belief in humanity. i work hard not to become bitter inside. it would be so easy to hate the world, and to bear a grudge against everyone and everything that this happened to me. its not worth it though, being angry doesnt bring me peace, and i need peace.

i know that everything that is given out in life comes back, so it is not of my concern as to what happens/happened to those men. they have to live with what they have done, and it will come back to haunt them. it is seldom that we deeply hurt another being and not have it come back to haunt us. justice will prevail in time, i know that it will. i only have to think of the life my mother leads now to know that everything we put out comes back to us threefold.

i know that some day i will meet someone, i have no doubt about that. i am in no rush either. overall, i have a pretty good life alone and dont need someone to complete me. i dont feel so complicated anymore. i also do not relish the idea of ever having to tell someone all this mess either though, it is a lot to tell someone who doesnt really know me. the real life guy knew almost nothing of any of my history, the online guy knew just a bit more. neither of them ever knew the full story, and i dont know if i ever would have told them.

i know that if i am to ever have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone, that i will have to face telling them the truth. **sighs** maybe that will be a sign that it is okay, i will be able to tell my story to the man i am to love. i used to talk more to my boyfriends when i was younger, today i keep more inside. funny how i can type it all out for anyone to read, yet i cant talk to a man one on one about it. i am sure that that will change some day. i know that i will have to talk openly to a man about it, and am sure i will when the time is right. maybe i will just send them to my blog instead.

i understand more how it is that i came to care for the online guy. it is still hard for me to let go of him, and i still miss him after it being more than three months that we talked last. i still miss the real life guy too, more than i care to admit, and it has been eight months. i actually miss him more than the online guy as he was in the real world with me and the other guy has always been somewhat removed. both of these were safe men for me as neither was capable of giving himself to me. it doesnt mean that i loved them any less though. i fell for the real life guy the first time i met him, it hit me hard, and makes me believe that there is love at first sight. i fell in love with the online guy slowly over time, always yearning for what i could not have. i know that, in time, i will stop thinking of either one of these men, and will let go. it is actually pretty positive that i am able to love at all, given what i have gone through in life.

i finally cried over the online guy tonight, and am starting to let him go. i have to. it is time. i am feeling like the connection is severed now anyhow, and has been for some time. he is gone, and isnt coming back. i need to accept this.

i still feel like the real life guy is around some place in the background. i dont feel like our time together is done. this is my gut feeling, not my logic. logic says he is long gone, instinct tells me he isnt and there is still a connection of sorts. my connection with the online guy is broken, the real life guy remains.

i am cold. the summer heat left a couple of days ago, and the house is cold. i am going to go put some warm clothes on, and make hot chocolate. i have worked piling up around me, and should tackle a few more hours before sleep.

hot chocolate and warm clothes, that is what will make me happy tonight. it is the small things in life that are important.

and so it is...



*****
jan 16, 2010

as a later note to this posting...

i wound up seeing the real life guy again after 9 months of not dating, and we were involved for almost another year. i finally told him i loved him after 2.5 years of knowing him, it literally took that long for me to feel "safe" with him, only to have the relationship end after doing this. i still don't understand why we didn't have a full relationship as we had almost everything in common beside his gross materialism and wealth and my lack of social status - we laughed, talked, hung out, etc and even our last time together was great with oodles of chemistry and interaction. since everything ended, even though i still feel he is in the background somewhere, i have emotionally let him go and just simply hope he is happy, and am content knowing that the time we shared was good. as well, we have zero communication these days, which is for the best at this time.