It's just another day in November

Nov 11, 2016

I live with C-PTSD and often deal with ongoing suicidal ideation (this has been constant since I was a child and, although exhausting at times, I am not at risk of self-harm).  As some folks would know from reading my early posts, I have done a lot of self-work using art therapy, EMDR, talk therapy, inner child work, and finally ten years psychoanalysis with a complex trauma specialist.  Also, all my academics from college and university are in sociology, psychology, and social work.  I have been an advocate for non-violence, and was involved with social and political activism.  I am not a drug addict nor an alcoholic.  I am a high school drop out, and hold a full time professional job I worked hard to get.  I have been told I am an inspiration, and have had people look up to me for what I have accomplished.

In spite of having a childhood riddled with complex traumas from the far end of the spectrum, and being diagnosed with C-PTSD and having early dissociative tendencies and suicidal ideations, I have held everything together quite well for the past 20 years aside from the allergic reaction I had to Zyban about 12 years ago, and have been out of regular therapy for about 8 years.  I thought I knew myself and that my tool box held enough tools to keep myself on a fairly even keel. I grew confident, and stopped being so hyper-vigilant with myself, and let my guard down with myself, and trusted my own thoughts, emotions, and reactions.  Things were looking good.

About 4 weeks ago, I was full on triggered without expecting it, dissociated, and verbally ran down a person who was one of my main supporters to one of his friends.  He was someone who had my back and who I both respect and care about ever so much.  The shame I feel from knowing what I did and the things I said to hurt this person is immense.  I acted in the very way that goes against everything I believe in - I perpetuated an exact form of the abuse I received, and that I have worked so hard to leave behind me, which is a hard piece to accept.  This is one of the few times someone hasn't walked away from me, which is unusual, and even more so as I said some of the nastiest things I have ever said to someone.  I'm not running away either, which is also unusual as I tend to exit when things get too rough for me to handle.  My friend made a very strong suggestion for me to return to doing some self work.  I don't know what is going to happen with the friendship, and it is not my decision to make as I am the one in the wrong.

In the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have been in touch with a crisis counsellor, messaged a lot with a friend who is a therapist, reached out to a private support group of friends, and have had my first appointment with an ongoing therapist.  I have been actively dissociated in all this time, have been working at coming back to wholeness, and am making some progress.

I want to talk openly about what it is like to live with C-PTSD, to have dissociation tendencies and suicidal ideation, and to live with chronic conditions that are all a result of going through so much child abuse and trauma before I turned 16 and created a safe place to live on my own.

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What it is like to live with C-PTSD and to have survived a brutal childhood:

- always have to watch myself to make sure that my real past doesn't bleed into conversations with regular people as they usually don't understand or it upsets them too much to hear about it.  I am always editing my past.  People can be incredibly judgemental too.  This leads to great incongruency within myself and is one of the hardest things for me to manage as I simply want to be who and what I am all the time instead of just some of the time with safe people.

- not allowing myself to have kids because I was afraid of what kind of mother I would be, and this was in spite of hearing from therapists that I would make a great mom.

- not allowing myself to risk another long term relationship because I am afraid I don't have the resources inside to be a good, solid partner to someone.  I'm also afraid I couldn't emotionally navigate a serious break up.  I tend to stop dating people I really like and who I could have a solid relationship with because I like them too much.

- having an over-active startle reflex.  I jump and react quickly even when it is totally un-necessary.

- being hyper alert when trying to go to bed.  This is one of the hardest ones to deal with.  Just before bed, I often become hyper awake and have to get everything settled before I can go to sleep.  This is why hearing lots of noise from other apartments bothers me.  Stereos late at night are a real trigger as I was abused late at night with a stereo playing loud music.  This one has persisted in spite of trying to work with it, and causes me huge problems wherever I live.  If I live in a noisy place, I don't get much sleep.  If I don't get much sleep, I can derail emotionally.  A lot of noise can bother me at any time actually, especially if people are arguing.

- I have very few conflict management skills.  The ones I learned as a child were inappropriate and, as an adult, I have difficulty with intense emotions.  Most times, I will simply walk away when I feel too much, and sometimes I will lash out.  I am always really proud of myself when I manage conflict well as it shows that I have learned something.  I've done a lot of personal work and therapy in this area. 

- it can be hard to understand what people mean, especially if their words don't match their actions.

- having a tendency to expect more from people than what they can do or give.

- not always being aware of things that are logical to other people.  I had to learn to carry an umbrella and wear a rain coat.  I had to learn how dentists work and how to go see one.  I didn't know anything about house work, and didn't know how to cook until I was in my 30's.

- I can't always trust my own judgement for myself, which leads to a lot of over-thinking, over-analysis, and second-guessing.  It is anxiety producing.