An Exhausted Tuesday Night

Tues Jan 19 2010

I am taking a course at work for the following six weeks, and it has a heavy focus on team work. Today, the teacher shared a great quote with us. The author is unknown.

". . .we have been trained to look for individual differences to stand out. So you look at each person; immediately it is 'brighter', 'dumber', 'older', 'younger', 'richer', 'poorer'.

We make these dimensional distinctions, put them in categories, treat them that way and we get so we only see others as separate from ourselves in the ways in which they are separate.

One of the dramatic characteristics of experience is being with another person and suddenly seeing the ways in which they are like you, not different from you. . ."

I think this course has come at a good time for me, it is just what I need right now. Synchronicity is happening again, and has been since New Years. One of the things I realized with reflecting on the emotional crash that happened in December, is that I spent a lot of the last year not only externally focused, but also focused more on myself than on other people. Yes, it is appropriate to have a healthy focus on yourself but this needs to be kept in focus, kept in balance, and for other people to be important too which is something I had been moving away from. Maybe it was a result of spending so much time alone this summer, of being so far away from the people I love, that contributed to it. I really have had to stand on my own two feet since being in Ottawa, and be incredibly independent, something I am kind of tired of doing, to be honest. Anyhow, the short line is that I need to become more focused on other people again and I truly think this course, with all the team work, is going to contribute to that happening again.

I am exhausted. Having really low iron is forcing me to slow down right now, and is giving me the time to be highly introspective again, something I have needed to be doing. I feel like I am moving through dough all the time, lethargic, peaceful feeling, slow. I am usually super high energy and I rather miss it. It is like I couldn't get revved up right now if I really wanted to! The downside to the low iron though is that I miss weight lifting. The slug of hauling a big chunk of metal up with loud music screaming in my ears, the feel of the old leather gloves on my hands, the tug on my muscles, the deep breathing, the getting hot, the endorphin rush, the meditative deep peaceful state, followed by my body telling me it is alive and I used it for the next few days while it repairs itself again. I love yoga too, but it does not have the same impact on me physically that weight lifting does. I bet Norm has no idea the joys he introduced me to in my twenties when he taught me how to lift weights!

Anyhow, back on topic. I think it is important, as MM always told me, to pay attention to other people. We are put in this world together, and that is how it has to work. I don't know how it is that I sometimes get wrapped up in my own head and shift away from this tenet. It is so simple; care about other people. I do love other people, and I care as well, but it seems like sometimes I just get shifted away from that, from the daily caring for other folks. I can hear Lucinda saying in my head too, about mindfulness, about keeping other people in our thoughts. I was upset about a friend's behaviour once, and she said to me too "she is only human" and that, too, is a phrase that often stands out with me. "She is only human."

I think this trails back to tolerance, and patience too. Acceptance. I often think of Bell Hooks essay on love too, and how we seek acceptance yet how when it is offered we are not always ready to accept it as it means simply being who and what we are, being naked per se, without a persona. I spent so much time and effort in my thirties working on accepting everyone for what they are - their true inner being - on caring for others, for speaking out for others, learning how to work with people who have been hurt and abused, people who are broken...how could I have moved away from something that has been so essential and something I believe in so deeply? How could I have moved away from the deep level of compassion and caring I used to have for folks, even total strangers? What happened? I have joked about my rose coloured glasses being chipped - right now I think I have just plain lost them! And it is time to find them and stick them on my face again, chips n' all.

There is all this talk about congruency, and about getting in touch with our true self. Why are folks so afraid of showing who and what they are? Why do so many of us, myself included, feel like we need to put forth a face, a mask, instead of letting folks see our real selves. People are more beautiful when they are covered in scars than when they are perfect. When I see someone covered in scars, physical or mental, then I know they have experienced life and they know what suffering and joy are, and I can respect that, I can embrace them.

I saw a film a couple of weeks ago called "The Shadow Effect" which was about embracing our dark side. Again, another moment of synchronicity. It is so important to acknowledge and accept this part of ourselves, no matter how bad we have been, we have to forgive, accept, and stop beating ourselves up over whatever we have done. (I keep using the figurative "we" but am talking about myself too.) Many times I think of the statement "and so it is" because sometimes that is all there is...things just are what they are regardless, what has happened has happened. We cannot change the occurrence of an event in the past, so may as well accept and embrace it, make amends where possible, and look to the future.

Since putting it out to the universe on New Years, that I am giving away old emotions for a couple of the ex-files and making room for new feelings, to embrace the change that comes with that, I have been feeling lighter, better in my heart. I think I was carrying around emotional junk that I wasn't even aware of having! Since then, since releasing the betrayal I felt for one, and the feelings I had for another, and have felt free to move again, not so bogged down emotionally.

I sometimes get visions when meditating, and had the vision of pure love cascading out of my chest the other night. Wave after wave of peace and pink and hearts came pouring out of me. My spine was silver, to show strength, and my heart overflowed with love. And I felt peace.

May peace be with you as well.

xxo