Reactivation

jan 17, 2010

reactivation

i think it is time to reactivate my old blog as i have been doing oodles of thinking about relationships lately, and am still pondering monogamy, intimacy, fears, desires, dreams, and traditional/non-traditional relationships. it is time to write again...it is time.

i am in a new city, have met new people, and have been trying to forge new relationships, both intimate and non-intimate. some are going okay and, well...

a couple of months ago, i met someone i really liked, and had this notion that i could date one-on-one. HA! needless to say, i did not do well with it. i have not dated one-on-one with someone for nine years and am totally not used to it. i felt oodles of insecurity (a new sensation), jealousy (a rare feeling), had old emotions triggered by the holidays, and totally self-destructed everything with him within the period of two weeks. i regretted what happened within moments of saying i didn't want to date anymore, wish i could turn back time, and undo the last week of december and the first week of january. but...i cannot undo time, and so the best i can do is to think positive, hand everything over to the angels, the goddess and the god, see this as a huge wake up call to spend some time on internal work again, and to return to a sense of peace once more - all of which i have been successful at doing so far.

the last year has been spent being focused on the external world to the exclusion of the internal: getting ahead, starting a new job, working in a "professional" work environment, having a focus on finances, moving twice (i loathe moving), getting rid of 50% of everything i owned, trying to find new folks to hang out with, not liking my current apartment so staying away about as much as possible, and missing my friends and family folks like crazy. i have not made much time to go within and stay in touch with my heart. in the past, and for much of the last fifteen years, i have spent a lot of time meditating, writing, drawing a bit, playing guitar, and just plain ruminating...and i have done almost none of that since the move here 8 months ago, and my soul is suffering from it, i am suffering from it. as well, it is time for me to be honest with myself about whether i am capable of, and want, a one-on-one relationship or if i am happier with the patchwork\multiples relationship style i have had the last few years. i desire a monogamous relationship but what am i truly capable of giving, what am i capable of being in? do i even believe in a monogamous one-on-one lifetime relationship anymore? i am starting to wonder why i keep striving for this ideal when it doesn't fit me well, and i haven't managed to do it in almost a decade and even in my teens and twenties it was hard! it is rather like the saying, "stupid is doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results."

aside from the emotional melt down the last month, i have been totally stable and fairly happy in most areas of my life since my old writings here. currently i feel mostly happy, content, and extremely grateful for having a job. early last year, i really got down on myself about not having a full time professional job for so long (over 10 years), but that has totally dissipated since having the job here. i got back to the gym doing weight lifting and yoga, and lost about 25/30 lbs. as well, i quit eating sugar and wheat 2 years ago this coming March, and it is one of the best things that i ever did for myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. i got into a heavy sugar binge just before the holidays this year, which greatly contributed to me being so intensely emotional. i have learned from this, big time. no more sugar for me as it truly is toxic physically and mentally and realize that i have to quit sugar like i quit smoking - zero options and say good bye in my heart.

okay...i am WAY past my bed time and must trundle off...

may peace be with you,
lou
xxo

as a side note... my old writings on this blog are heavily edited at this time and most of the comments are lost. if you want to read the entire blog original blog, please write to me and there is a chance i may share it. :)