Working out some frustrations... (unsuccessfully, I might add!)

November 10, 2021

Working out some frustrations... (unsuccessfully, I might add!)

So.... I attended the second session for the pain management group, and wound up feeling frustrated by it. We are supposed to be goal setting, which isn't too bad but the group leaders dissuaded me from setting three goals, which is what I actually need to accomplish this week. They seem to think setting one goal for one or two times a week is enough, which it is when I don't have things to do and this week i have things to do. I also felt frustrated when they used the guidelines for exercise by the Stanford University - an American study when we are in Canada...but... that wasn't my big gripe. The way the instructor explained the study is that we are to be doing resistance training comprised of 10-12 exercises three times a week, then walking or biking or gardening 5 times a week for about 45 minutes a time. Oh, and there was mention of some yoga and stretching in there too. That exercise guideline is on par with my old workout routines when I was fit,  thin, and in the gym almost every day. There is no way I could maintain that with the pain levels I have now. So...when they moved onto the guided visualisation portion (which was a body check in that I already know how to do), I skimmed the 3 workbook chapters on working out, and learned that every exercise that was suggested by the book was remedial or rehab level exercises. It was so misleading to hear the Stanford study when the reality of it is much lower than the study. It turns out that the 10-12 exercises are things like sitting in a chair and reaching down or lifting up your legs - quite basic and simple stuff, and not 10-12 sets of 3 reps in the gym doing resistance training! So I apologised for the misunderstanding, and feel better about the exercise guidelines.

That said, I am still feeling grumpy about my chronic conditions in general. Part of me is starting to wonder what would happen if I just woke up one day, cut out the sugar I am eating, and went to the gym and did a full work out. I seem to be okay hauling heavy things around, and any time I have tried weights I don't have any negative repercussions from doing them. I am starting to think I need to do an experiment soon. Part of me wonders if I just may be capable of more than I allow myself to do. but....then the old doubt creeps in and I question if I will ever be able to do anything ever again. I am so tired of letting myself down ALL the time, and I hate it even worse when I let other people down or have to cancel out on them at the last minute. I miss being able to make commitments to other people and to myself and keeping them. Just about every single time I fail to keep my word, and keeping my word means so much to so many people. I know I come across as a flake and a failure these days, and it is so very rare that I shine.

I spoke with my therapist about shining last year, and how I miss doing it and feel like I don't shine for anyone anymore, and rarely feel special. I have heard folks say that middle aged women are forgotten, and I am starting to feel that way. I just spend a lot of time alone drowning in my chronic conditions.

Last week, I told my doctor I will be asking for assisted suicide in five to ten years if things don't start to change for me.

 And I mean it. 

I can't see living another ten years with this quality of life. I am not living - I just exist slowly moving through the days waiting for time to pass by so I can sleep again, hoping that the time in between won't be painful. I am not needed anywhere, and don't matter anymore. I know some folks would miss me but I wouldn't be a big loss as I am not that involved in much anymore. I am also terrified of getting old and having to try to look after myself meanwhile my conditions get worse and worse. The idea of living in a publicly funded home is nightmarish to me - I know what those hell holes are like where people are left to rot in their filth and most every one forgets them. Who would ever come to see me? I rarely hear from folks now, and I am still around and active. Shut me up in a home and I will rot. So, no thanks, I would rather kill myself than face a future like that. I think my step dad, Derek, had an ideal death. He died when he was around 60 taking his motorbike out for his last ride the night before a buyer was to pick it up from him. He hit a pot hole, couldn't keep the bike upright, wiped out, snapped his neck, and died instantly from it. What a great way to die - a sudden painless death in the middle of doing what he wanted.

I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts a lot the last while. Intellectually I understand that they are a symptom of the C-PTSD but it doesn't make it easier to live with a voice that shouts at me a few times a day to go kill myself, or having a part of my brain that automatically slides into devising methods to kill myself and having to stop myself from thinking that way when it starts - it is bloody exhausting some days which is why some days I simply sleep so much because I am tired of always being on guard and self-aware. And it doesn't help that I am having a hard time seeing any good reasons to stick around much longer. I am not useful anywhere and no one really needs me to do anything. I feel so useless. And every time I try to step up I fail because I can't keep my word thanks to getting sick or not coping or or or...its just a bloody endless string of excuses. I miss so much being a part of something bigger than myself, I miss helping people, I miss being involved...and it is so hard to be involved or to commit to anything if I end up having to cancel stuff because I am too damned sick or in too much damned pain. I miss being reliable both for myself and for other people.

So, yes, I am angry by now. I went from having a decent career - not the top one but a career I was interested in nonetheless - to losing my career thanks to the damned chronic conditions and me having to get accommodations so now I am parked or passed on by for interesting work. No one even cares if I do much of anything! I used to have a slew of acquaintances, social friends, and a small handful of close friends. These days, I have some old friends who are scattered across Canada, the US, and the UK, and a few friends here. I spend far too much time alone, and I think I have aged out of the pagan community I used to feel a part of. The past summer was rough being left out of things. It stings to have someone walk past without a friendly smile, or to have someone else stand with their ass one foot away from my face, and snub my friendly greetings. It stings to offer help and to be turned down over and over again. It stings not to be included. And I don't even know what I did to deserve any of this - did I do anything? I wrote so much of the poor behaviour off as folks not knowing how to act with other people due to Covid but I think that is only a small part of it. There are a couple of tight cliques where I like to hang out and, when there are more folks around, it isn't so noticable. There was hardly anyone there this summer and it was painfully obvious that I don't fit with either clique. The one group is super friendly but the other group is, well, I have to be nice so won't say much. There were friendly folks, don't get me wrong... it just wasn't the same as it was pre-Covid where folks used to be warm and friendly and welcoming. Last summer it was more like you belong to an in group else you spend a lot of time alone. So... I think I am aging out. I have been thinking this for a few years, and last summer really hammered it home. So, I have no idea what I am going to do next summer and, to be honest, I don't have to worry about it right now. 

Light bulb moment - I think that is one of the things that triggered the deep depression I fell into by September. I spent a summer trying hard to be friendly to a bunch of folks and was snubbed over and over again, and it hurt and it stung and I wound up feeling old and like I just may not belong to a spot I used to call home. And I think this is partly why I am feeling anger too. And I am still sad that the community lost a couple of more good people, and if I think too much about it tears start to well up for them. 

So, I have been trying to think of the things that I love to do that doesn't involve the pagan community. I loved playing guitar and have developed calluses again... I love sewing so took a pattern making course... I love art and am thinking I may take an art course in January. It may also be a good place to make friends. There has to be something that women my age do. And I can't believe I have to try to fill the next 28 years with drivel and try to find things to keep me going. Sighs. Oh, and I also looked up an antiviolence agency with the thought of maybe doing some volunteer work but...it brings me back to my chronic conditions and being reliable. it is one thing if I miss out on a course and another thing all together if I miss out on voluteer work. And with the chronic conditions that is bound to happen. I really miss helping people and being useful. This is another huge part of why I am so depressed - I am useless to people, and almost no one wants me around. Even this summer camping, one person told me to my face that I am too high energy for them, and a second one alluded to us never being friends. It hurts me so much when people feel this way about me, when I try so hard to be freindly to everyone. I don't know whats wrong with me. I know the rhetoric that it says more about them than me but I also know that there is a pretty large element of my own behaviour there too. Ever since I was a little girl people have told me I am too much - too big, too loud, too intense, too much, too much too much... With the high number of times people have said this to me, and the number of folks who pull back from me, there has to be some truth to this, and I must be doing something wrong or off putting. Having people pat me on the back and tell me not to worry about it doesn't help either as I know that I am not going to grow or improve as a person unless I look at my own actions and behaviours. And I have been both so bloody depressed and caught up in the chronic conditions and frustrated with so much that I don't think I would really want to be my own friend either!

Summary: a psychologist diagnosed me as depressed with C-PTSD that activates at times, and she is correct; I am sad because I am isolated both by myself and by other people; I don't feel like I can offer anything anymore which I am sure is bull shit because I know I have good skills just I am unreliable; being unreliable is almost killing me; not having a decent career anymore is also almost killing me.

I have written enough now. Even I think this is a rather drab bleak writing so, if you made it this far, you must be some kind of wonder human! I am heading off.

Lou

Nope - not done - there is more. I am also struggling with my spiritual self - the self that has been there beside me for the past 45-50 years. I don't remember ever feeling so adrift spiritually as what I feel lately. I am angry about this too. I spent years learning and studying a number of different things, celebrating with people, being around other people, reading books, talking with folks, learning from mentors and guides and teachers....only to learn that much of what I have practised is likely cultural appropriation and, thus, inappropriate to practice anymore. I looked up the chakras yesterday to see if they, too, are cultural appropriation and, yep, they are. I have worked with energy centres in other people now for over 20 years, balancing energy fields, smoothing out the ruffles, cleaning out the static, removing the sticky bits, with a focus of healing and coming from a place of deep compassion for the person I was working on. Now, I am even doubting if it is okay to do the energy healing I do anymore. Mind you, I am comforted knowing that Therapeutic Touch was a modality developed by a couple of people but, now, in light of starting to learn that working with chakras can be considered cultural appropriation, I am left wondering what the roots of TT are and need to learn more. 

I also love and respect and honour people of all genders. I don't give a damn what is in someone's pants or how they want to express themselves - that is their business, not mine, and it is not for me to judge. That said, I think a part of my spirituality died when I recognized that I could no longer openly practice the biological aspect of my woman based spirituality because it excludes other women. I agree with the reasons why I can no longer practice it with other people and I don't want to hurt anyone - that is the last thing I ever want to do. And...I am sitting here writing out how much I miss following my biological rhythms when I realize just how silly this sounds considering I no longer have those rhythms to work with. Yup - my body has changed that way too. I love the wisdom that comes with age, and maybe that is what I need to start focusing on. There is only so much of "used to be" that even I can take though, and imagine it must drive other folks bananas.

I don't mind aging in so many ways. I just wish I didn't feel so invisible.

I am cut off from the heathen group I used to practice with at times. I can no longer go as I am no longer seeing the one person who runs it. I am cut off from this aspect of my spirituality too, and, even though i didn't go all the time, it was very important to me and it no longer exists for me. I am no longer invited and cannot be a part of something I have been a part of for ten years. I saw photos of them gathering and it hurt to know I cannot be a part, all because I made the mistake of believing someone and loving them. Loving that person destroyed a piece of my spirituality, it destroyed friendships, it destroyed routines and rituals, it destroyed loving other people. This hurt me so deeply that I haven't even been able to cry about it yet now, as I start to write, my face is covered with tears because I miss this part of my life so much and I so very deeply regret believing in someone and loving them. I regret so very much having been emotionally intimate and allowing something to grow with someone else.

And this leads to another piece that is a huge part of why I feel so depressed. I was discarded like a toy when my usefulness was done. My emotions were not considered. What I believed was a relationship was just a cheap thrill and was discarded when it was not useful. It was so painful being told that I was just to be a periodic sex toy when, for six and a half years, I had been assured and reassured over and over again that it was a meaningful relationship, that I was loved and cherished, and that they would be in my life forever, fighting to hold onto the relationship if it came to that. And when it came to that, they let me go with the offer that I may periodically be a sex toy for their periodic amusement. I was never a person to them - I was just used as a toy. And learning that cut me to the bone, and it cut so deep that I stopped crying. And I can't even talk about this with people because there are so many people in common so my grief is silenced and I have not faced it and I have not processed it. I miss this part of my life so much but I also know that I am more than just a sex toy to someone. I stopped playing the role of sex toy the day I got my own apartment when I was 16 years old, and I will not play that role for anyone no matter how much I love them. I am worth more. And this cut me to the bone because I believed everything I was told about how I was important to them and how they would never leave. The signs were there earlier when they refused to talk with me about a mutual friend, with me believing that it was a conversation we should be able to have because they were my partner, and more than just a friend...but the conversation never happened. and so things started to fracture.

The week before Covid, I buried a woman who was like a sister and who had been a part of my life since I was about 14 years old. She was someone I admired, respected, and looked up to, even wanting to be a bit like her at times too as I admired her so much as a kid. I had a casual short term dating relationship end then had the other gal slander me all over the place. I am so thankful for covid that I didn't have to face her right away, and decided to let that go rather than defend myself as she runs down almost all of her exes. That situation had red flags flying in my face right from the second time I saw them yet I chose to ignore then, and paid the price because now I am excluding myself from another community that I used to belong to, simply because this other gal is enmeshed in every aspect of the community so no matter where I go or what i do, she will likely be there. So that is another loss combined with more slagging. Later, I lost someone I considered to be my closest friend and who I had loved like a sister. I learned that she didn't feel the same way and, although she was fond of me, the friendship didn't mean much to her and I was cast aside when I tried to talk with her about some stuff that seemed to be brewing under the surface for awhile. I thought our friendship was strong enough and that we were both self-aware enough to work through it. Nope. I meant very little to her and the friendship I thought would always be there ended. She had been around for almost half my life, and I miss her so very much. I also lost a casual friend when I recognized that I was only a friend of convenience for her, and only worth being around when I was useful to her. And when I tried to talk about it with her, was told I was abusive - yep, abusive because I tried to talk about some mistreatment which really wasn't the worst ever treatment but, still, was something I needed to talk about because I knew it would fester and, again, thought the friendship was strong enough for that. Nope. So another friend gone. Then, after all that, the one relationship I had believed would always be there unexpectedly ended and ended in a painful manner. it wasn't even ended by either of us...it was ended by a third party. Plus, at the same time, I learned more about even more stuff that isn't my story to tell so I am not writing it out here. 

My heart has been ripped out of my chest the past year and a half, and it would have been brutal to go through even if covid wasn't going on. But, yup, there has been covid so oodles of social isolation and I am immunocompromised because of the damned chronic conditions and, even now, am terrified to spend much time with folks because i am on immunosuppresants and no one knows if the vaccine even worked on me, and if I get sick I will likely die because my immune system is so broken.

And it is, in part, broken because of the abuse I went through as a child. So I am really angry about that. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to learn how to be a better person than what I was socialized to be as a little kid, if it wasn't bad enough that I had to spent twenty years in therapy healing from all the abuse and neglect, if it wasn't bad enough that I had to learn how to function around other people....then, when I finally get to a good and healthy place emotionally about my past, then my body started to go when all the stress from the apartments and work hit me - I simply couldn't cope and it all came out physically and I got sicker and sicker and sicker the more the stress built up until it finally all popped and my immune system basically imploded leaving me with autoimmune stuff and mysterious ailments that the doctors can't figure out.

And that leads me to one of the pieces that shoved me into the depression in September. I saw a specialist who wrote me off with fibromyalgia. Yup, that condition that most doctors consider to be imaginary, that very few doctors believe in, and almost no one treats. Yup. I have a label that actually means nothing and there is basically no treatment for it. there is treatment for my PsA as that is an actual medical condition. There is treatment for my psoriasis. Treatment for my IBS-D, the hiatal hernia, asthma, vasomotor rhinitis, and even the borderline diabetes... but not a single thing for the fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with this earlier by a bad rheumatologist, who told me to go do tai chi and stay off the internet, that there was nothing else that could be done for me. The specialist in September actually examined me thoroughly, and listened when I answered him, yet he still discarded me with the word "fibromyalgia". Even I don't know if I believe in it for myself! I feel bad for folks I know who have that diagnosis and believe their pains but, for myself, I have a hard time believing it because there is so many other things going on, and my symptoms actually fit almost exactly with another condition but...that would require seeing another specialist.

I am fucking sick of specialists.

Let me say that again. i am fucking sick of specialists.

I am fucking sick of being sick.

Maybe I am hitting the bottom and, soon, will climb my way out again and reinvent myself into something else sparkly and wonderful and I will bounce around rarely talking about what goes on inside and somehow in the middle of all that something will click and I will wake up one day realizing that I have been happy for days and will end up wondering why I was so sad in September and October and November too.

It is almost the 3rd anniversary of Ross' death, and I am still grieving him. I am grieving Dee too. Dee I expected to pass on though because she was older...but I didn't expect to lose Ross. I always thought I would be looking after him as we got older. And he is gone. And he didn't even tell me  he had been sick. I believed his sister when she told me not to talk with him, that he didn't want me around, then I learned that she had been lying about so many things and, right now, I don't care if I ever see her again I am so angry at her. No wonder Ross seemed so confused when he saw me and came right over hugging me and telling me he loved me. I feel so awful knowing that I believed her and that I stayed away from Ross after Dee died meanwhile every fibre in my being wanted to be with him because I knew he was hurting so much, and he wound up dying alone. I can't undo this one, and there is no healing from it because he isn't here anymore so it is something I have to learn to live with and, in time, learn to accept. Right now though, it is still a raw place and I am not at peace with it.

Maybe there were too many losses in the past 3 years. Maybe it is time for me to say fuck it all and focus on rising up again, stronger and more compassionate than before with a bit of hard earned wisdom. I have to process all this loss and pain because, if I don't, it will make me become bitter as I am so very angry and sad about all the losses and I spend way too much time going over in my head how I could have done it all differently and, in the end, just keep telling myself that I must be a horrible person if so many people don't want me to be around anymore. These were people I loved and cared about who rejected me, and deemed that I was not worthy of their time or their love. Else they just died and are not there anymore. Dee and Ross were my family, and they aren't there anymore. That loss alone has been a hard one to deal with. I am mourning the relationship that was there for 6.5 years, the one I can't even acknowledge properly in public or with a lot of my casual friends, and I am mourning the loss of community that comes as a result of that relationship, knowing that I will not be welcome in certain places next summer. I am mourning the loss of the woman who was like my sister, and am feeling foolish for ever caring as much for her as I did, and wish that I knew how not to love people but I don't and so I love even though it rips me apart when people no longer want that love. And I dig inside trying to figure out what is wrong with me to make people not want to be around me, and why I was rejected. And I am left floundering in a pool of sorrow.

Holy fuck - no wonder I have been SO depressed since September. And this is on top of covid, and social isolation. I even had surgery during covid too! Yup, I had bits cut out and was patched up again and sent on my way. I can finally sneeze without peeing - yay for good surgery! And, yes, that is a happy yay :) The one positive thing in this entire 2.5 hours worth of emotional purging. I am starting to feel clearer about what I need to do. I need to grieve and to acknowledge and learn to work with the losses. I lost the folks I considered immediate family (I still have family folks - just Ross and Dee were my immediate family folks). I lost my best friend. I lost the partner I believed would always be there, and I lost his family too because I can't bring myself to ever go back there again, which means I also lost his wife as a heart friend and, instead, she is now just another person I used to know once upon a time. I lost an important part of my spiritual community with the ending of that relationship. I lost another part of my spiritual community with increased social awareness, and because I do not wish to offend people and, when I learn better, I try to do better. I am aging out of the spiritual community I thought I would always be a part of, and I haven't made plans for where to go or what to do next. I have gained multiple diagnoses in the past 3 years, and a little bit of treatment so, finally, the pain doesn't cut me to the bone most days but, instead, I am simply exhausted all the time as the medication wipes me out. Pain or exhaustion - take my pick! I lost my health. I am parked at work, and don't have the energy right now to reinvent myself into something new and to sell myself to a new employer - I simply don't have it in me to do it again. I worked so h ard and sacraficed so much for my job, believing in myself even when so many people said I couldn't do it but i did it anyways. I miss that part of myself - that drive and the burning belief that there was more to life than what I had been given, that spark that always pushed me forwards. With all the losses the past couple of years, it is hard for me to believe in anything anymore. Maybe now I have named all the sorrows I can start to stop being so angry all the time. I know that I HAVE to process these losses and the pain associated with them else I will become bitter, and I have worked so hard in my life not to be bitter. I have to let go and move on again. I have to reinvent myself, and learn to believe in me again. I am not sure what exactly I am going to do next but I do know, by naming everything here tonight, that I have started on my way to processing all the pain and hurt. I cannot let this destroy me.

I am done now.

Lou 

Sunshine always follows rain

I am attending a pain management program. It’s once a week for six weeks. I’m hoping to learn some pain management tips, and shift some of the frustration, anger, and grief I have developed from living with multiple chronic conditions. The first class was on Wednesday, and we talked about how pain is a sensation felt in the brain, and how folks can become extra sensitive to pain, and that it’s actually possible to become less sensitive to it using techniques such as distraction, meditation, visualization, breath control, and mindfulness. A couple of weeks ago, I watched a video on Central Sensitization Syndrome (CSS), and wondered if I may have become extra sensitized to pain. There is also a small e-book I read ages ago, and should revisit, that talks about how our pain threshold can decrease when a part of our body has been hurt, about how the pain sensation is a mental process. We need to have the ability to feel pain as a protective mechanism but, when things hurt all the time, it is easy to become over sensitized. I have some reading to do for our class next week, and hope to learn more about this topic. It makes sense to me. It was weird - once my pain started to decrease as the methotrexate started working, I had a hard time moving my body as I had become so accustomed to moving it in a way to protect myself. It’s been a few months, and I move a bit freer now; I can usually put pants on and not worry about falling over most days!

All this said, I’m still dealing with huge pain spikes but not quite as bad as they were last week when I went to the hospital. My own doctors office thinks I may be passing a small kidney stone that is too small to show on an ultrasound; the emerg doctor thinks its a muscle knot and blamed it on me being fat then, when I told him that the knots started when I was fit and lifting weights, he said they can be caused by too much activity too **rolls eyes at the emerg doctor** I'm on lots of meds, ball rolling multiple times a day, and using a new breath control technique that the physio personal trainer taught me yesterday. It’s an interesting technique that involves consciously breathing with the diaphragm, then moving the breath to the back of the ribs and engaging the different muscles in the back.

The pain management program also has us setting a mini goal that we have to accomplish by next Wednesday. I chose to journal about my anger, frustration, and grief that I experience from living with chronic conditions. Thinking of it, I may just start up my old blog I used years ago when I was processing some other stuff. At the time, I found it healing to write to an unknown audience. A few folks mentioned to me, at the time, that they read my blog and how it elicited different responses in folks. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I think I will return to that space.

Anyhow, I just wrote way more than I meant to - maybe this can be journal entry number one! Thanks for sticking through to the end. I won’t be struggling like this forever. I’m actually already doing better now than I was three weeks ago. I’m active again, and things are starting to shift, which is good. Thank you for your patience with me as I move through this and work on getting back to living a decent life once more. It won’t last forever, and sunshine always follows rain. Xxo

(Photo taken Oct 15, 2005 on the backroads in between London and Stratford shortly after I had learned to drive, thus being on the backroads in my old Isuzu Trooper. At that time, I was so proud that I had overcome my fear of driving and was actually doing it.)

It's just another day in November

Nov 11, 2016

I live with C-PTSD and often deal with ongoing suicidal ideation (this has been constant since I was a child and, although exhausting at times, I am not at risk of self-harm).  As some folks would know from reading my early posts, I have done a lot of self-work using art therapy, EMDR, talk therapy, inner child work, and finally ten years psychoanalysis with a complex trauma specialist.  Also, all my academics from college and university are in sociology, psychology, and social work.  I have been an advocate for non-violence, and was involved with social and political activism.  I am not a drug addict nor an alcoholic.  I am a high school drop out, and hold a full time professional job I worked hard to get.  I have been told I am an inspiration, and have had people look up to me for what I have accomplished.

In spite of having a childhood riddled with complex traumas from the far end of the spectrum, and being diagnosed with C-PTSD and having early dissociative tendencies and suicidal ideations, I have held everything together quite well for the past 20 years aside from the allergic reaction I had to Zyban about 12 years ago, and have been out of regular therapy for about 8 years.  I thought I knew myself and that my tool box held enough tools to keep myself on a fairly even keel. I grew confident, and stopped being so hyper-vigilant with myself, and let my guard down with myself, and trusted my own thoughts, emotions, and reactions.  Things were looking good.

About 4 weeks ago, I was full on triggered without expecting it, dissociated, and verbally ran down a person who was one of my main supporters to one of his friends.  He was someone who had my back and who I both respect and care about ever so much.  The shame I feel from knowing what I did and the things I said to hurt this person is immense.  I acted in the very way that goes against everything I believe in - I perpetuated an exact form of the abuse I received, and that I have worked so hard to leave behind me, which is a hard piece to accept.  This is one of the few times someone hasn't walked away from me, which is unusual, and even more so as I said some of the nastiest things I have ever said to someone.  I'm not running away either, which is also unusual as I tend to exit when things get too rough for me to handle.  My friend made a very strong suggestion for me to return to doing some self work.  I don't know what is going to happen with the friendship, and it is not my decision to make as I am the one in the wrong.

In the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have been in touch with a crisis counsellor, messaged a lot with a friend who is a therapist, reached out to a private support group of friends, and have had my first appointment with an ongoing therapist.  I have been actively dissociated in all this time, have been working at coming back to wholeness, and am making some progress.

I want to talk openly about what it is like to live with C-PTSD, to have dissociation tendencies and suicidal ideation, and to live with chronic conditions that are all a result of going through so much child abuse and trauma before I turned 16 and created a safe place to live on my own.

*****

What it is like to live with C-PTSD and to have survived a brutal childhood:

- always have to watch myself to make sure that my real past doesn't bleed into conversations with regular people as they usually don't understand or it upsets them too much to hear about it.  I am always editing my past.  People can be incredibly judgemental too.  This leads to great incongruency within myself and is one of the hardest things for me to manage as I simply want to be who and what I am all the time instead of just some of the time with safe people.

- not allowing myself to have kids because I was afraid of what kind of mother I would be, and this was in spite of hearing from therapists that I would make a great mom.

- not allowing myself to risk another long term relationship because I am afraid I don't have the resources inside to be a good, solid partner to someone.  I'm also afraid I couldn't emotionally navigate a serious break up.  I tend to stop dating people I really like and who I could have a solid relationship with because I like them too much.

- having an over-active startle reflex.  I jump and react quickly even when it is totally un-necessary.

- being hyper alert when trying to go to bed.  This is one of the hardest ones to deal with.  Just before bed, I often become hyper awake and have to get everything settled before I can go to sleep.  This is why hearing lots of noise from other apartments bothers me.  Stereos late at night are a real trigger as I was abused late at night with a stereo playing loud music.  This one has persisted in spite of trying to work with it, and causes me huge problems wherever I live.  If I live in a noisy place, I don't get much sleep.  If I don't get much sleep, I can derail emotionally.  A lot of noise can bother me at any time actually, especially if people are arguing.

- I have very few conflict management skills.  The ones I learned as a child were inappropriate and, as an adult, I have difficulty with intense emotions.  Most times, I will simply walk away when I feel too much, and sometimes I will lash out.  I am always really proud of myself when I manage conflict well as it shows that I have learned something.  I've done a lot of personal work and therapy in this area. 

- it can be hard to understand what people mean, especially if their words don't match their actions.

- having a tendency to expect more from people than what they can do or give.

- not always being aware of things that are logical to other people.  I had to learn to carry an umbrella and wear a rain coat.  I had to learn how dentists work and how to go see one.  I didn't know anything about house work, and didn't know how to cook until I was in my 30's.

- I can't always trust my own judgement for myself, which leads to a lot of over-thinking, over-analysis, and second-guessing.  It is anxiety producing.

On the road to getting answers...

Hi Folks!

I received a phone call yesterday with the message that I am booked in to see an Osteopath this January.  I have been in pain for a very long time, and think it is Psoriatic Arthritis.  And I want to dance as long as I can.

Now that is out of the way...

I turned 50 this year.  Yup, 50.  And I love it.  It is the most liberating thing that has happened in quite some time.

As a brief update, I may have sorted out some of my personal relationship issues.  I am dating, and have some steady people in my life - yayy!  I am even learning that it is okay to care and to be cared about, and am starting to ask people for help instead of trying to tackle the world all alone all the time.

I am also in progress with health.  The IBS-D is more manageable now.  I stick to a low-FODMAPs diet most of the time, allowing myself to try new foods and to have small amount of treats periodically.  I still get flare ups, especially if I am tired or stressed, but they don't normally wipe me out as badly as they did in the past.  It is easier to live with restricted food than it is to live with full-blown IBS-D.  I am so grateful to the workers at the Monosh University in AUS for the work they have done, and continue to do, in the field of IBS management and food.

Now...all the updates are out of the way.  I am feeling a strong need to write again because I had a phone call yesterday from the doctor's office telling me that I have an appointment set for January to see an Osteopath.  I am guessing that the blood work that was done a couple of weeks ago came back positive for Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA).  I was diagnosed with skin Psoriasis about 15 years ago, just after I quit smoking.  Yup, quit smoking and psoriasis showed up.  I am one of the lucky people as I it isn't too bad for me.  I get it on my scalp, ear canals, elbows, and a tiny patch in between my toes on a regular basis.  My fingernails always have tiny pits, and my toenails have more severe signs, thus are always painted.  Increase my stress levels, and scales may show up in my eyebrows, and even in a butterfly pattern on my face (checked - no lupus).  Thankfully, it hasn't shown up on my knees since my original diagnosis.  I have learned to live with it, exfoliate an awful lot, use olive oil for cleaning, and often forget it is there as being itchy somewhere is second nature to me now.  As well, many people don't realize I have it as I rarely show external signs outside of really rough elbows due to all the care I take with it.

Well...I am avoiding why I am writing.  About five years ago, I developed plantar faciitis (PF), and it almost crippled me as it lasted for 2.5 - 3 years.  Non-stop wearing of custom orthotics and orthotic-style shoes along with yoga got it to go away.  At least, at the time it was diagnosed as PF, and treated as such.  For the most part, it has gone away but still tends to show up the odd time.

Then, about 2 years ago, my hips became quite sore after spending about 10 days fire dancing every night at a festival.  Fire dancing involves a lot of hip movements, and I had a sloped camping spot so sleeping flat was impossible so I wrote off the pain to that.  Then, it never went away.  About ten months later, it was still there so I went to the doctor who sent me for physiotherapy.  I faithfully attended physio sessions and did yoga, stretches, and muscle rolling like crazy...and, although it abated, it never went away.  The pain would slow down but not stop.

There has been a drastic increase in pain over the last year or so, and I now have to stretch almost daily to keep things within a tolerable range and sometimes pop Advil like jelly beans.  Since last winter, the pain has increased to the point now that, if I actually listen to it within my body, tears run down my face because it doesn't let up or go away.  But...most days I strap on a smile and go about my business and don't say much about it because it is what it is, and I have things to do.  People notice me hobbling at work when I stand up, and I laugh and say I am old when inside I just want to hang onto something tight and cry.  Sometimes I am so exhausted from the pain that I retreat to my comfy chair and watch garbage tv, hoping the pain will slow down enough again for me to get back out to the real world.  There isn't much room for me to have self-pity in my busy life so I plug on, go a bit slower some days, and try to continue on in a normal way.

After trying to live with the high pain levels, I finally broke down with the physiotherapist a couple of months ago asking why my muscles weren't healing, and why the pain was getting worse in spite of doing all the exercises rather faithfully for the previous two years.  She didn't have an answer, and asked for me to contact my doctor for x-rays, which I had done.

The x-ray results show that my SI joint is disintegrating a bit.  The SI joint is the one that connects the hips to the spine.  Thankfully, it doesn't have a large range of motion.  The doctor sent this information to me in an email.  I kind of tottered around camping that weekend feeling a bit emotionally numb trying to digest the information that my body is actively breaking down, and pondering what the best and worst life trajectories might be.  So I came home, and started to do some research.

As mentioned up higher, I have Psoriasis.  And Psoriasis can develop into Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA).  I went to my doctor to chat about the SI joints, and the possibility that it might be PsA.  She wanted to send me directly to a sports doctor, but was quite open to sending me for testing when I explained my Psoriasis to her, and how I have been diagnosed by 3 previous doctors, if I remember correctly (I have only been with my current doctor for about 4 years, having gone to walk in clinics before that so she is missing a bit of history with me).  I am glad she is open when I request testing.  So, that leads me up to the phone call yesterday.  I still haven't heard back from the blood work but, having an appointment made with an Ostepath rather than a sports clinic makes me think my results were likely positive for PsA.

So.  That is a lot of news for me to digest.  I have only spoken to one person about the PsA this weekend, and haven't quite digested it yet.  I am slowly accepting that the pain I live with may never go away although, from what I am reading, it can quite probably be managed.  I have also discovered through reading this weekend that high levels of exhaustion are normal with PsA, which explains why most days I want to fall asleep mid-afternoon, and find it challenging to maintain my usual busy lifestyle.  The biggest thing I have been thinking all weekend, well, since I got my x-ray results actually but even more so now, is that I really want to live.

I want to dance as much as I can before my hips conk out.  I made myself dance at the festival this summer.  I couldn't keep the pace up like I used to, it was harder to swing my hips around, and I couldn't dance every night but, still, I danced.  I danced my heart out.  I danced like I may never be able to dance again.  And I want to continue dancing.  I want to dance so much that if a day ever comes that I can no longer dance with my body that I can dance in my mind and feel it in my body as if I was still actually moving.  I want to dance.

And I want to go sky diving.  Yup, I want to leap from a plane.  That much said, I may just accept leaping off a cliff instead with a bungee cord.  I am not ready to stop playing.

So.  That is what I am facing right now, and am facing most of this alone.  I am not sure what is going to happen next or how I am going to deal with it if I am told that my body will break down but I do know one thing.  I have faced a lot of challenges in my life so far, so I can face this one too because nothing has broken me down yet.  So...

Off I go to tighten my laces and snug up my boot straps because I may be in for quite the journey this year and need a good pair of shoes to do it in.

xxo
Lou

Bad reaction today.  The new foods: LF sour cream, taco shells, pineapple.  I have had problems with high fat food in the past, so it may have been the sour cream.  Pineapple often causes a sore throat but nothing today, and taco shells are not normally something I eat.

From looking at it, it may be the taco shells as they have TBHQ, which causes food to maintain the same shape in the colon instead of breaking down (study done with ramen noodles...the home made ones broke down in twenty minutes, and the commercial ramen noodles were the same shape 2 hours later).

I should try sour cream tomorrow, and keep everything else neutral.

I ate Golden Syrup tonight too.  Childhood YUM!

Day 15, low FODMAPs diet

Wow and holy padoodle.  I think the difference in food is making a difference in the way my body acts.  I have already discovered that I cannot eat celery or carrots.  Mayo is questionable, as is either popcorn or lots of butter...it may be the butter.  I have energy, and am not exhausted.  Today, I am having a flare up from 3 days worth of stress but it is nothing compared to what my usual flare up is like...no pain, no having to go to bed to deal with the following exhaustion...not even any exhaustion!

I went and saw the nutritionist at my dr's office and she modified my list from the "IBS Free at Last!" book.  A couple of items were removed, and quite a few added in.  I am still not sure about what is and is not allowed, and continue to shop from the list figuring if it is in my home I can eat it.

And, I have to say it feels rather good to be cooking for myself.  There is no getting away WITHOUT cooking....if I don't cook, I don't really eat, simple as that.  Tonight, I made blueberry lemon supposed-to-be muffins (GF flour, blueberries, lemon rind, sour cream, sugar, egg, baking powder) and had them with my home made chocolate ice cream (frozen bananas, cocoa powder, LF milk, maple syrup) - YUM!

The bonus?  I lost about 5 lbs in two weeks.

This is working, I think.....this is working.

Day 4, FODMAP elimination diet

Digestive system has been great today.  I ate closer to what I normally do only within the FODMAPs free zone.  And I didn't have any mayo.

FODMAPs

Ahh...it has been a good six years since I wrote anything here and, after much poking around the new changes, finally found the window to write in.

Moving forwards...

BACKGROUND
I started a FODMAPs elimination diet two days ago, and am tracking my food over at fitday.com (link listed below). My profile there is public but, for some reason, I am unable to make the writing journal portion of it public...which is really needed to go along with the food portion for folks who are interested in what I am going through with this.

BRIEF BIO and lead up to FODMAPs
I have had a digestive disorder since I was a teenager, and finally went to get diagnosed about 4 years ago. I sometimes deal with GERD (excessive acid reflux), have a hiatus hernia (valve doesn't close properly at the top of my stomach so the acid moves up my throat), and have IBS-D (digestive duress). The hiatus hernia may have been caused by heavy weight lifting as it developed when I was older, and the IBS-D is likely hereditary as both my bio mom and nan had digestive issues. In the past, I have gone through phases of being a vegetarian (twice, and I really suck at it), low fat (it was terrible for my health), gluten free/sugar free/fermented foods free (was great for my health but hard to maintain much beyond the 3 years I did it), super clean eating with high protein (the way I get eating when weight lifting and my body loves it), moderately clean with lower fibre and higher protein (the way I usually revert to eating, and one that is moderately well tolerated by my body). I have also followed Weight Watchers 2 or 3 times (both core and points), and read a lot of information about food and healthy eating in the past. And still...I continue to deal with both the HH and IBS-D no matter which way of eating I am following, it is getting worse as I am aging, and, to be quite frank, there are times it kinda just plain wrecks my life. Oh, and I am unable to take medications for any length of time as my body doesn't metabolize them properly so they can pool in my system and become toxic. After two bad reactions, one of them particularly nasty and expensive, I just plain stopped taking meds on a regular basis. I also deal with psoriasis which I personally think may be related to food along with the common stress trigger.

I have tried to figure out the root triggers of the IBS-D before without much success. Thankfully, the HH doesn't act up often. However, the IBS-D acts up on almost a weekly basis due to a multitude of unknown causes, and even more if I am really stressed. Stress is one of the one triggers, along with lots of high fibre foods, and/or excess grease or fats, that I know can trigger it. Maybe. It is kinda like trying to manage a huge octopus in a very tiny bag. So...once again...I wound up at the doctor's office a couple of weeks ago in desperation begging her to help me do something to control it as it often controls my life (think missed days of work, missed social events, and being nervous to travel too far some days). This time, I wound up seeing the nurse practitioner instead of said, "Have you ever looked into FODMAPs?" Well, sometimes that is all it takes, a single question, and I am off and galloping along doing research on a topic

The FODMAPs way of eating sounds logical as it all has to do with the way the body digests sugars, fibre, and carbs. The food doesn't get digested properly in the small intestine so moves into the large intestine partially digested. This food, in turn, ferments and the body sends in lots of extra fluid to flush it out...this the D part of the IBS-D. That is it in a nutshell without any big long complicated words. Eat fewer foods that trigger the osmosis, and all is better if not totally good again. (PS - I am in touch with my doctor about this, and have free access to a dietitian to discuss any issues I may run into with it.)

USEFUL ARTICLES (for those folks who are interested)

This is a basic explanation of IBS-D:
http://www.webmd.com/ibs/guide/ibs-with-diarrhea-ibs-d

More indepth explanation of IBS:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3921083/

The following site has a good synopsis of what FODMAPs are. It includes the big words - yayy! Site:
http://www.webmd.com/ibs/what-is-fodmap

Here is a good article on PubMed explaining the efficacy and research behind FODMAPs. It also explains a chemical sensitivity elimination diet, which I am not currently following but may speak with the dietitian at my doctor's office this week about doing it at the same time as the FODMAPs elimination diet as I just started a few days ago. Great article:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3388522/

This explains a hiatus hernia:
http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/hiatal-hernia

Finally, I strongly suggest to anyone who has any kind of digestive condition that you go see a gastro-intestinal specialist and run all the tests or do whatever your doctor suggests to get an idea of what is going on. I self diagnosed in the past only to find out I was heading in the wrong direction. The good thing about having a label is at least you can start to do research on what may, or may not, help you. And it can keep you from jumping on a potentially unhealthy band wagon just 'cause it is trendy.

FODMAPs JOURNAL

Now....

Here is the link to my fitday account:
http://fitday.com/fitness/PublicJournals.html?Owner=bellajane

And here are the last three journal entries from my fitday.com account:

July 16th, 2015
Day 1 of FODMAPs elimination diet. My body rumbled and grumbled starting shortly after lunch. I ate a huge pile of vegetables, and think I may become part rabbit by the end of six weeks. My stomach was upset much of the evening until I fell asleep about 3:30 AM. It was okay when I woke up the next morning.

Ate lunch of tuna mixed with mayo, rice crackers, tomatoes, cucumbers....stomach reacted poorly about 1.5 - 2 hours later.

Supper went okay.  Hopefully, everything will stay put.

July 17th, 2015
Day 2 of the FODMAPs elimination diet. My body hated it, and started to reject food shortly after lunch. This continued on until about 6 PM when I fell asleep exhausted. I have doubled the amount of veggies I normally eat, and think the two stalks of celery may be what caused the stomach upset as it is something I don't normally eat (all other foods were usual foods for me). I looked it up, and found it has a rather high insoluble fibre count. I have often said that celery is a waste of time to eat as it takes more calories to chew it than it puts in the body! Later... found celery listed on a list of okay to eat FODMAP foods, and it says to limit it to 5 cm. I ate 60 cm! No wonder I had issues (some foods are limited in quantity for FODMAPs). This is a good FODMAP friendly food list:
http://www.ibsdiets.org/fodmap-diet/fodmap-food-list/

July 18th, 2015
I am going to continue with the FODMAPs elimination diet but will eat more like I normally do only staying within the range of allowed foods. It is a hard diet to follow as the allowed foods are all over the place...there is no one way for me to remember what I can and cannot eat. My stomach is super upset this morning, I am hungry, and nervous to eat something in case it triggers another upset episode. Ah well...have to eat though so I best go do it :) As well, I weighed in this morning and have lost about 3 pounds in the last week.

It is Tuesday again. What is it with Tuesday and thinking?

Yup, it is Tuesday again. Yup, I have been thinking again. Yup, all about inspiration, motivation, relationships, friendships....the topic never changes. :)

A few days ago I found an old email I sent a friend a few years ago. He had verbally cornered me online one night in a chat room, hammering at me about why I was so afraid of success and why I wasn't doing anything with myself at that time. On later reflection of our conversation, I had written to him about the ending of a long term relationship, one which I had a lot of future plans tied into, and how after the ending of that relationship I just sort of tossed all my dreams and goals out the window and gave up on the notion of a future for awhile and how difficult it still was, years after the relationship ended, to get my dreams built up again. The email was easily from five years ago, and it is only this past New Years that I think I fully processed the impact the ending of that relationship had on me. Funny how it took 9 full years to process a relationship that only lasted about 2.5 years, and one that I denied to my friends about having many feelings for. At the time it happened, one of my close friends said about how she had more sorrow for my ex than for me because I had resources to process what I was going through, and he didn't. Kind of ironic that it has taken me 9 years to process him out of my life whereas he got married something like a year and a half after our relationship ended. I have no idea what has happened to him since then. Odd how someone can just drop out of your life. I wish him well in all that he does and hope that he is happy as he actually is a good man. And for myself, I am happy to say that I have been busy the last few years re-building and working on turning my dreams into reality.

I recently erred in regards to applying for a new position at work, having misunderstood some information. And yes, I beat myself up pretty bad for missing out on this but then, after a couple of days reflection, remembered what happened after the website timed out and lost my application for the job I now hold. As a result of the site crashing, I wound up staying in the city I lived in prior for an extra year or so, and was obviously meant to spend that extra time there. I experienced an awful lot, and grew within myself in that year, and am grateful for the extra time I got to spend near friends and family. I figure I am meant to stay at a lower level in my job now for the next couple of years as I probably have more developing to do, especially in regards to team work.

It is kind of odd how I spent the first 43 years of my life screaming and struggling for independence, to be an individual, and to be more of a leader. Now, here I am, trying to learn how to fit in, to work with a group, to be more considerate of other people and am, surprise surprise - LOVING THE CHALLENGE! I never ever thought I would want to work to be a part of a group, but am finding that I truly want to do this for my job. It probably helps that I enjoy doing things that are challenging. As well, I think I am comfortable confident enough in my own self and my abilities that it is okay now to blend in. This ties into not being in survival mode as well.

Last night I got thinking of survival mode and how hard it is to give it up after spending years waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. This comes, in part, from living a life of uncertainty at times. The last couple of years before finding this job were uncertain, and I was always having to be in survival mode for them as money was pretty tight most months. Even now, after ten years of having a regular, fairly decent pay cheque, I still sometimes feel like it is all going to vanish in an instant although, slowly, I am coming to terms with the fact that yes, it is regular, and yes, it is going to stay for awhile anyhow, and no, I don't have to be in survival mode right now in any way be it emotional, physical, or financial.

I truly don't feel like I need to be in survival mode here. As I mentioned a few lines back, I am quite comfortable with what and who I have become. As well, I have a good job, live in a pleasant home, and have no reason to always have to be on the watch for "something" to happen. Maybe I can finally, totally, let go and just be and not worry about anything for awhile. It feels rather liberating although odd at the same time since it has been quite some time since i have been able to do this, to just "let go" as it were. Maybe this is how a lot of folks live life, maybe this is what it is like to just simply be "normal" and to live an ordinary life. It feels good.

And, on that note, I am signing off. I have lots more dancing around in my head but want to move on with Tuesday, get supper ready, do some sewing, and spend a bit of time dreaming...

May peace be with you,

Louise

An Exhausted Tuesday Night

Tues Jan 19 2010

I am taking a course at work for the following six weeks, and it has a heavy focus on team work. Today, the teacher shared a great quote with us. The author is unknown.

". . .we have been trained to look for individual differences to stand out. So you look at each person; immediately it is 'brighter', 'dumber', 'older', 'younger', 'richer', 'poorer'.

We make these dimensional distinctions, put them in categories, treat them that way and we get so we only see others as separate from ourselves in the ways in which they are separate.

One of the dramatic characteristics of experience is being with another person and suddenly seeing the ways in which they are like you, not different from you. . ."

I think this course has come at a good time for me, it is just what I need right now. Synchronicity is happening again, and has been since New Years. One of the things I realized with reflecting on the emotional crash that happened in December, is that I spent a lot of the last year not only externally focused, but also focused more on myself than on other people. Yes, it is appropriate to have a healthy focus on yourself but this needs to be kept in focus, kept in balance, and for other people to be important too which is something I had been moving away from. Maybe it was a result of spending so much time alone this summer, of being so far away from the people I love, that contributed to it. I really have had to stand on my own two feet since being in Ottawa, and be incredibly independent, something I am kind of tired of doing, to be honest. Anyhow, the short line is that I need to become more focused on other people again and I truly think this course, with all the team work, is going to contribute to that happening again.

I am exhausted. Having really low iron is forcing me to slow down right now, and is giving me the time to be highly introspective again, something I have needed to be doing. I feel like I am moving through dough all the time, lethargic, peaceful feeling, slow. I am usually super high energy and I rather miss it. It is like I couldn't get revved up right now if I really wanted to! The downside to the low iron though is that I miss weight lifting. The slug of hauling a big chunk of metal up with loud music screaming in my ears, the feel of the old leather gloves on my hands, the tug on my muscles, the deep breathing, the getting hot, the endorphin rush, the meditative deep peaceful state, followed by my body telling me it is alive and I used it for the next few days while it repairs itself again. I love yoga too, but it does not have the same impact on me physically that weight lifting does. I bet Norm has no idea the joys he introduced me to in my twenties when he taught me how to lift weights!

Anyhow, back on topic. I think it is important, as MM always told me, to pay attention to other people. We are put in this world together, and that is how it has to work. I don't know how it is that I sometimes get wrapped up in my own head and shift away from this tenet. It is so simple; care about other people. I do love other people, and I care as well, but it seems like sometimes I just get shifted away from that, from the daily caring for other folks. I can hear Lucinda saying in my head too, about mindfulness, about keeping other people in our thoughts. I was upset about a friend's behaviour once, and she said to me too "she is only human" and that, too, is a phrase that often stands out with me. "She is only human."

I think this trails back to tolerance, and patience too. Acceptance. I often think of Bell Hooks essay on love too, and how we seek acceptance yet how when it is offered we are not always ready to accept it as it means simply being who and what we are, being naked per se, without a persona. I spent so much time and effort in my thirties working on accepting everyone for what they are - their true inner being - on caring for others, for speaking out for others, learning how to work with people who have been hurt and abused, people who are broken...how could I have moved away from something that has been so essential and something I believe in so deeply? How could I have moved away from the deep level of compassion and caring I used to have for folks, even total strangers? What happened? I have joked about my rose coloured glasses being chipped - right now I think I have just plain lost them! And it is time to find them and stick them on my face again, chips n' all.

There is all this talk about congruency, and about getting in touch with our true self. Why are folks so afraid of showing who and what they are? Why do so many of us, myself included, feel like we need to put forth a face, a mask, instead of letting folks see our real selves. People are more beautiful when they are covered in scars than when they are perfect. When I see someone covered in scars, physical or mental, then I know they have experienced life and they know what suffering and joy are, and I can respect that, I can embrace them.

I saw a film a couple of weeks ago called "The Shadow Effect" which was about embracing our dark side. Again, another moment of synchronicity. It is so important to acknowledge and accept this part of ourselves, no matter how bad we have been, we have to forgive, accept, and stop beating ourselves up over whatever we have done. (I keep using the figurative "we" but am talking about myself too.) Many times I think of the statement "and so it is" because sometimes that is all there is...things just are what they are regardless, what has happened has happened. We cannot change the occurrence of an event in the past, so may as well accept and embrace it, make amends where possible, and look to the future.

Since putting it out to the universe on New Years, that I am giving away old emotions for a couple of the ex-files and making room for new feelings, to embrace the change that comes with that, I have been feeling lighter, better in my heart. I think I was carrying around emotional junk that I wasn't even aware of having! Since then, since releasing the betrayal I felt for one, and the feelings I had for another, and have felt free to move again, not so bogged down emotionally.

I sometimes get visions when meditating, and had the vision of pure love cascading out of my chest the other night. Wave after wave of peace and pink and hearts came pouring out of me. My spine was silver, to show strength, and my heart overflowed with love. And I felt peace.

May peace be with you as well.

xxo

Reactivation

jan 17, 2010

reactivation

i think it is time to reactivate my old blog as i have been doing oodles of thinking about relationships lately, and am still pondering monogamy, intimacy, fears, desires, dreams, and traditional/non-traditional relationships. it is time to write again...it is time.

i am in a new city, have met new people, and have been trying to forge new relationships, both intimate and non-intimate. some are going okay and, well...

a couple of months ago, i met someone i really liked, and had this notion that i could date one-on-one. HA! needless to say, i did not do well with it. i have not dated one-on-one with someone for nine years and am totally not used to it. i felt oodles of insecurity (a new sensation), jealousy (a rare feeling), had old emotions triggered by the holidays, and totally self-destructed everything with him within the period of two weeks. i regretted what happened within moments of saying i didn't want to date anymore, wish i could turn back time, and undo the last week of december and the first week of january. but...i cannot undo time, and so the best i can do is to think positive, hand everything over to the angels, the goddess and the god, see this as a huge wake up call to spend some time on internal work again, and to return to a sense of peace once more - all of which i have been successful at doing so far.

the last year has been spent being focused on the external world to the exclusion of the internal: getting ahead, starting a new job, working in a "professional" work environment, having a focus on finances, moving twice (i loathe moving), getting rid of 50% of everything i owned, trying to find new folks to hang out with, not liking my current apartment so staying away about as much as possible, and missing my friends and family folks like crazy. i have not made much time to go within and stay in touch with my heart. in the past, and for much of the last fifteen years, i have spent a lot of time meditating, writing, drawing a bit, playing guitar, and just plain ruminating...and i have done almost none of that since the move here 8 months ago, and my soul is suffering from it, i am suffering from it. as well, it is time for me to be honest with myself about whether i am capable of, and want, a one-on-one relationship or if i am happier with the patchwork\multiples relationship style i have had the last few years. i desire a monogamous relationship but what am i truly capable of giving, what am i capable of being in? do i even believe in a monogamous one-on-one lifetime relationship anymore? i am starting to wonder why i keep striving for this ideal when it doesn't fit me well, and i haven't managed to do it in almost a decade and even in my teens and twenties it was hard! it is rather like the saying, "stupid is doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results."

aside from the emotional melt down the last month, i have been totally stable and fairly happy in most areas of my life since my old writings here. currently i feel mostly happy, content, and extremely grateful for having a job. early last year, i really got down on myself about not having a full time professional job for so long (over 10 years), but that has totally dissipated since having the job here. i got back to the gym doing weight lifting and yoga, and lost about 25/30 lbs. as well, i quit eating sugar and wheat 2 years ago this coming March, and it is one of the best things that i ever did for myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. i got into a heavy sugar binge just before the holidays this year, which greatly contributed to me being so intensely emotional. i have learned from this, big time. no more sugar for me as it truly is toxic physically and mentally and realize that i have to quit sugar like i quit smoking - zero options and say good bye in my heart.

okay...i am WAY past my bed time and must trundle off...

may peace be with you,
lou
xxo

as a side note... my old writings on this blog are heavily edited at this time and most of the comments are lost. if you want to read the entire blog original blog, please write to me and there is a chance i may share it. :)

relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness

Dec 3, 2009 (slightly edited post from another message board)

relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness

Yup that is a big title. I am writing here to try to work through my thoughts on where I stand with all this stuff. I know I am ready for a relationship, but I do not know what I want as an outcome of that relationship. I would like to put it out there, and to find out what you guys think of this as well.

It seems like many of the men I meet do not want to date one on one (later note - in talking with a gf who is also dating, she told me that all the men she meets just want to have a single relationship so maybe I just attract men who don't want one on one situations). They almost all want to date numerous people at the same time although some will agree to physical monogamy if the situation turns physically intimate. I have met people in open marriages, and know of couples who have had affairs and worked things out. I think almost all of my close friends have left their original partner at this time, and are divorced if they ever were married. The only people I know who are still married to their original partner are usually older. Many people seem to have been divorced at least once. And those folks who are married often seem incredibly unhappy or bored with their lives after having been married for a few years.

So, all of that stuff I spouted off up there kinda makes me wonder if there is any point in me trying to find one person to have a long term relationship with. Is it worth while to do that? Am I better off to just keep my emotional attachments for my girlfriends and the odd male friend? I get all my support from my girlfriends to the point that I don't even know if I really need an intimate relationship with another person. I still don't know what I ultimately want from dating. I know that, right now, I want to be someone's girlfriend, for them to be proud of me, and want to go places together, and for us to develop a deeper more meaningful emotional relationship. But where would it go? I am not talking specific to anyone I have dated recently, I am talking about any man....where would it all go? I don't even know if I believe in being with someone forever, or if I believe in marriage.

I am open to many forms relationships. I am open to forging a relationship with one person, getting to a deeper emotional level, and know that I could have other folks involved with it. Yup, I just said the big no no - an open style relationship - but that I would need to forge a strong emotional bond and trust for that to happen. I know I could date a couple too, be them ss or whatever, and could be okay with a 3 way relationship. Yup, I know....it all sounds different, but I am open-minded toward it because my success rate with a regular monogamous one-on-one, be it live apart, live in, or engaged, relationships have not worked, and I know very few people in long term traditional relationships who are really happy.

So this much said, I know that I am probably, ultimately, leaning towards a non-monogamous relationship, yet I feel like I just want to be the only person at the very start of something yet realize that I could probably open it up later on, after some time has passed. And this kind of thinking is not overly congruent.

I am also starting to wonder whether monogamy is just a thing of the past....or maybe it is just a reflection of my generation. Serial monogamy seems to be the norm, with "monogamy" growing looser as folks age, and fewer folks wanting to date one-on-one. Many folks my age grew up in divorced homes, the first heavy round of divorces here in Canada, and I wonder if that is what has shattered many people from my generations belief in traditional monogamy. We were raised with the societal ideals of traditional monogamy and with the hopes of finding one person who we would be with forever, our grandparents did this.....but many of our parents did not. I was also born during the sexual revolution, and came of age in a time when folks were exploring open relationships and free love and I cannot help but wonder if that tinted my thinking about relationships as well. And, on top of it all, I have studied this topic a lot at school, and read a fair amount on it outside of school, and still continue to come to the conclusion that maybe a monogamous life time relationship is just an almost unachievable ideal.

When I was in college I used to think about gender based communities, about women living in one place, and men living in another place, and coming together in the middle....but then that wouldn't work because it would exclude so many people. And abolishing relationships all together would not work either. There is no one answer. So I am left thinking of what I really want, what my goals are.

In order to achieve a goal, the goal must be set. I give lip service to wanting to find a partner, but is this what I truly want to find? I sometimes wonder if my standards have gotten too high in the face of what is the reality of the folks I meet, or if maybe their standards are unachievable too. I do know that I am fragile in my heart, and feel vulnerable when I start to care for someone, and know that many other people feel the same way too. Some folks have simply turned their emotions off, refusing to allow them room to grow.

Maybe instead of learning from past mistakes, I have grown more afraid of failure. Perhaps this is part of it. I don't know, it is just a thought. I do know that, ever since I was young, I spoke out against getting married, about having a family, about forging a life long connection with one other person. And yet I tried to do so more than once, and almost did get married at one time, and sometimes wonder if maybe I should have given birth at some point in there too. Incidentally, I just briefly glanced at some stats yesterday and saw that women giving birth in their 40's is on the rise....so maybe there is hope for me yet. In a couple of years I may actually be able to afford a baby on my own. It is something to think about.

I joke around a lot about taking on a string of lovers, and maybe that is the actual reality I face, the actual future that lies in store for me. It could be scintillating, it could be fun. I enjoy people so very much, and am always open to something new. But, that much said, I also long for a monogamy of sorts, of forging a bond with one person in there some where but I cannot say for how long it would last. Should I start writing up contracts? How is this sort of situation negotiated or figured out? I will love you for a year and a day, and at the end of that we can re-negotiate. How could a couple ever make plans for long term financial investments in that sort of situation?! It means that I would always be making plans for myself and myself alone, and that seems incredibly self centered when I would like to share part of my life with someone else.

Maybe I have been single too long, or maybe my thinking is growing too liberal as I am aging. I sometimes think I am too wild for the conservative guys, yet too conservative for the liberal guys. Maybe I need to try to find someone who is moderate. But is that truly possible? Is there anyone else out there who is as confused about this as I am?

Anyhow, the gym is calling so I must move onwards with my evening. I have probably written too much here, or maybe I have not written enough. And I may be back to write some more. Please feel free to add your thoughts, I am interested in what you have to say....

xxo
Lou

Changing Times

I think my time of using this has a place to process relationships is at a standstill, and has been for mostly over a year now. At the time, I really needed to write and to be read. Now, I don't seem to need that anymore. Times change, people change, and it is now my time to move on. Maybe some day I will actively write here again. In the meantime, it is back to the real world for me.

May you know peace.

:)
Lou

Great People Day

It is family day today in Southwestern Ontario. Yup, another day to celebrate the sanctity of the family unit. I guess it is in case all the step-moms 'n dads feel left out, all the aunts, the uncles, and the in-laws. Personally, I would rather celebrate great people and leave all the family stuff to Mother's Day and Father's Day maybe just changing their clauses to include extended family and step-folks.

I realized tonight when washing the dishes and thinking that there are not many holiday days of the year that I can actually celebrate. I am a single, British born (now Canadian), non-reproduced, non-military, non-Christian, equalist, earth based belief system woman without a biological mother or father. Lets see...holidays...

Mother's and Father's days - self explanatory (although I do think of my family folks for these times). No biological parents, no kids. Forced celebrations regardless of family status. I always feel bad for those kids at school who do not have parents who have to face all the hubub to do with these holidays. I think it is going to be equally as bad to have Family Day. But I digress...back to the topic at hand.

Canada Day - although I have lived here most of my life, I never became Canadian until about 3 years ago. Ok, Ok...hahaha :) I have always celebrated it because Canada is my home, England holds my roots. But still....point made...I have only been Canadian for the last three years and, thus, can technically celebrate the holiday.

Valentine's Day - I am single. Now, mind you, I often have celebrated this day as being for love in general but it really is aimed at couples and, if you aren't part of a couple, it sure can make you feel like you have something wrong with you. The lore behind this holiday is interesting as well, and it is worth a visit to Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day

St. Patrick's Day - uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Yup. I am going to celebrate a Christian man who went around converting the Pagans. I believe in freedom of choice when it comes to religion, and do not support "converting" people at all. I think that is wrong and that folks should be able to make up their own minds. I also think it ironic that the day is celebrating by drinking green beer...

Easter and Christmas are Christian holidays. I do celebrate Christmas, but not as the birth of Christ...rather I see it as a time to spend with friends and special folks celebrating the dark time of the year and welcoming back the sun. Yup...I tend to bring in my earthy beliefs.

Remembrance Day. Now, I have to confess, I do not celebrate this day as I do not support war. However, that much said, I do think that this particular day is important to honour the folk who have died for the sake of peace. I haven't quite made up my mind as to what I actually think of this day. I think it safe to say that, at this time, I am torn and straddle the fence.

Now, there is a day I do celebrate...I do celebrate International Women's Day. However, I think it unbalanced in that we do not have an International Man's Day and, since I really do support equality, I think that men should have a special day as well...and I would celebrate that day too. I also support the December 6th Memorial Day which is marking violence against women everywhere. I think it is important to remember that woman abuse is still a very strong part of our social fabric, and that it is wrong to abuse anyone.

I enjoy Thanksgiving as well, and do celebrate it. I look at it as the abundance of the harvest, a time to start settling into the home for the winter, and a time to re-connect with people. I do not like the American way of celebrating the Pilgrims though as that was the destruction of another race of people and I do not see it proper to celebrate that aspect.

I actually do enjoy spending special time for many of these holidays, even though they don't actually call to me personally. I love getting together with family folks, and I love spending time with friends. I can honour the fallen, and can celebrate what is yet to come. I can celebrate in general and just put my own personal spin onto the celebration days at hand. And...that much said...I am going to close my rant on Family Day and spend some time thinking about the special folks in my life.

Peace be with you on this holiday. May you be loved somewhere by someone, and have the ability to celebrate your own specialness.

lou

self worth and tolerance applied to intimate relationships and branching out to family, friends, work, and object ownership blatherings and thoughts

I actually wrote this a couple of days ago in my fb journal. Tonight, I got thinking and figured it should be here as well.

When I was housebound at the start of January, a friend loaned me the movie, “The Joy Luck Club.” I watched it, then watched it again, and watched it one more time. Three weeks later, I am still thinking. It just won’t go away.

Briefly, the film is about a group of four women who emigrated from China to the States, their lives, the lives of their daughters, the similarities, the differences, the hopes, dreams, and lessons that are to be learned from each life. The part that has captured me is the notion of what you are worth. I keep pondering this.

In the movie, it is strictly about what a woman is worth in regards to her relationship with a man. What is she willing to sacrifice from herself? What is she willing to settle for? According to the premise of the movie, the value a woman places on herself is the value she will be given in an intimate relationship.

I see this as a lesson that can go beyond an intimate relationship. Self worth is something that influences friendships and family dynamics. Work can be influenced by what one is willing to settle for too. Then I got to thinking about houses, and the miscellaneous stuff that we surround ourselves with and what we settle for and self worth. Then I think of self esteem and how buying objects can be done to replace a lack of sense of self, and yet I know that there has to be a sense of self worth in order to buy the self an object at all. The picture keeps growing bigger. But to return to the original thought . . .

Relationships. Why is it that a person is able to give so much of themselves away in a particular relationship with a particular person yet, at the same time, have no tolerance for the same behaviours from anyone else? We have various levels of tolerance for various folks in our lives. This is seen in how we react to children, the frail, people with challenges in their lives; most folks show more patience and understanding towards these people. Parents are probably far more tolerant of their children’s behaviour than most other people would be. We have more understanding when someone is faced with a hardship, or is ill, or is going through something. But why is it, overall, that people are able to have such high levels of tolerance for someone’s negative behaviour that they wouldn’t accept from someone else, if there was not a viable explanation for the behaviour? Does it stem from self worth? Does it stem from love? Unconditional love? Is there really such a thing as unconditional love? Okay, that is another topic all together… I digress.

Is tolerating a singular person’s negative behaviour while having no tolerance in someone else showing similar actions without a viable cause a reflection of self esteem in an intimate relationship, or is it a reflection of love and caring? I think in order to love someone else that a person has to be capable of loving themselves first. Loving the self is a huge part of self esteem, self worth and self respect. If a person doesn’t love themselves it is hard to provide themselves with comfort and caring, let alone be able to set higher standards for relationship expectations.

Now, that much said, what about if a person is escaping into an intimate relationship in order to avoid delving too deep into themselves? That could happen as well. Hmmm. Aha…that would be more of an obsession than a love though. Okay, so the ability to love another stems from being able to love the self. Now back to the thought of when someone tolerates behaviours in a person they love that they would not tolerate in someone else, even though they may have love for that person too. Why is there a difference in the levels of tolerance? Could it be biological? It has been shown (and no I am not going to go dig out the research right now, and yes I am just blathering off the top of my head, and yes I am still thinking of the article I skimmed in Time Magazine last week on relationships and chemical attraction, and yes thinking of various courses I have taken and books I have read), that people are attracted to other people on the basis of smell, what they see, pheromones and chemicals. We have the theory of evolution – we are driven to reproduce with people we are biologically compatible with. So is does this play a role in it? Is it because we have met the person who is most biologically compatible with us which gives us reason to tolerate their negative behaviours? Incidentally, a side note from the Time Magazine article, I thought it interesting that a couple could be attracted to one another, fall in love, get married, yet when the woman went off the birth control pills she had been on all through the relationship they lost their attraction. There may be more chemical attraction at play than what many of us would care to admit as we embrace freedom of choice.

So maybe that is part of it - that we are destined through chemical attraction to love this person and, thus, will tolerate the poor behaviour. But this still doesn’t explain the foundation of the poor behaviour and that needs to be explained as well for this to be a cohesive thought. And why would the tolerating person be tolerating so much in the first place if they truly loved themselves? If one person is tolerating then the other person is acting, one is giving away ones values that they apply to other people and it causes me to wonder what the other person is doing. This cannot be considered simply from the side of the person doing the tolerating; it needs to be more balanced…there always has to be balance. Are they giving away their values as well by performing the behaviour? Do they perform this behaviour with all other people or just this select one person? Do they love the other person as well? When does tolerance become too much tolerance and move from the realm of understanding into the realm of self harm. Definitions are needed. Balance. More pondering is needed. Maybe once I can get through the thought process of understanding the foundations of tolerance, love, and self worth as used in the movie, I can carry on and apply it towards the other areas I have been thinking of…family, friends, work, and ownership. To start though, I have to understand intimate relationships, self worth, and tolerance.

**sighs**

Damned movie.