Yup, it is Tuesday again. Yup, I have been thinking again. Yup, all about inspiration, motivation, relationships, friendships....the topic never changes. :)
A few days ago I found an old email I sent a friend a few years ago. He had verbally cornered me online one night in a chat room, hammering at me about why I was so afraid of success and why I wasn't doing anything with myself at that time. On later reflection of our conversation, I had written to him about the ending of a long term relationship, one which I had a lot of future plans tied into, and how after the ending of that relationship I just sort of tossed all my dreams and goals out the window and gave up on the notion of a future for awhile and how difficult it still was, years after the relationship ended, to get my dreams built up again. The email was easily from five years ago, and it is only this past New Years that I think I fully processed the impact the ending of that relationship had on me. Funny how it took 9 full years to process a relationship that only lasted about 2.5 years, and one that I denied to my friends about having many feelings for. At the time it happened, one of my close friends said about how she had more sorrow for my ex than for me because I had resources to process what I was going through, and he didn't. Kind of ironic that it has taken me 9 years to process him out of my life whereas he got married something like a year and a half after our relationship ended. I have no idea what has happened to him since then. Odd how someone can just drop out of your life. I wish him well in all that he does and hope that he is happy as he actually is a good man. And for myself, I am happy to say that I have been busy the last few years re-building and working on turning my dreams into reality.
I recently erred in regards to applying for a new position at work, having misunderstood some information. And yes, I beat myself up pretty bad for missing out on this but then, after a couple of days reflection, remembered what happened after the website timed out and lost my application for the job I now hold. As a result of the site crashing, I wound up staying in the city I lived in prior for an extra year or so, and was obviously meant to spend that extra time there. I experienced an awful lot, and grew within myself in that year, and am grateful for the extra time I got to spend near friends and family. I figure I am meant to stay at a lower level in my job now for the next couple of years as I probably have more developing to do, especially in regards to team work.
It is kind of odd how I spent the first 43 years of my life screaming and struggling for independence, to be an individual, and to be more of a leader. Now, here I am, trying to learn how to fit in, to work with a group, to be more considerate of other people and am, surprise surprise - LOVING THE CHALLENGE! I never ever thought I would want to work to be a part of a group, but am finding that I truly want to do this for my job. It probably helps that I enjoy doing things that are challenging. As well, I think I am comfortable confident enough in my own self and my abilities that it is okay now to blend in. This ties into not being in survival mode as well.
Last night I got thinking of survival mode and how hard it is to give it up after spending years waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. This comes, in part, from living a life of uncertainty at times. The last couple of years before finding this job were uncertain, and I was always having to be in survival mode for them as money was pretty tight most months. Even now, after ten years of having a regular, fairly decent pay cheque, I still sometimes feel like it is all going to vanish in an instant although, slowly, I am coming to terms with the fact that yes, it is regular, and yes, it is going to stay for awhile anyhow, and no, I don't have to be in survival mode right now in any way be it emotional, physical, or financial.
I truly don't feel like I need to be in survival mode here. As I mentioned a few lines back, I am quite comfortable with what and who I have become. As well, I have a good job, live in a pleasant home, and have no reason to always have to be on the watch for "something" to happen. Maybe I can finally, totally, let go and just be and not worry about anything for awhile. It feels rather liberating although odd at the same time since it has been quite some time since i have been able to do this, to just "let go" as it were. Maybe this is how a lot of folks live life, maybe this is what it is like to just simply be "normal" and to live an ordinary life. It feels good.
And, on that note, I am signing off. I have lots more dancing around in my head but want to move on with Tuesday, get supper ready, do some sewing, and spend a bit of time dreaming...
May peace be with you,
Louise
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
An Exhausted Tuesday Night
Tues Jan 19 2010
I am taking a course at work for the following six weeks, and it has a heavy focus on team work. Today, the teacher shared a great quote with us. The author is unknown.
". . .we have been trained to look for individual differences to stand out. So you look at each person; immediately it is 'brighter', 'dumber', 'older', 'younger', 'richer', 'poorer'.
We make these dimensional distinctions, put them in categories, treat them that way and we get so we only see others as separate from ourselves in the ways in which they are separate.
One of the dramatic characteristics of experience is being with another person and suddenly seeing the ways in which they are like you, not different from you. . ."
I think this course has come at a good time for me, it is just what I need right now. Synchronicity is happening again, and has been since New Years. One of the things I realized with reflecting on the emotional crash that happened in December, is that I spent a lot of the last year not only externally focused, but also focused more on myself than on other people. Yes, it is appropriate to have a healthy focus on yourself but this needs to be kept in focus, kept in balance, and for other people to be important too which is something I had been moving away from. Maybe it was a result of spending so much time alone this summer, of being so far away from the people I love, that contributed to it. I really have had to stand on my own two feet since being in Ottawa, and be incredibly independent, something I am kind of tired of doing, to be honest. Anyhow, the short line is that I need to become more focused on other people again and I truly think this course, with all the team work, is going to contribute to that happening again.
I am exhausted. Having really low iron is forcing me to slow down right now, and is giving me the time to be highly introspective again, something I have needed to be doing. I feel like I am moving through dough all the time, lethargic, peaceful feeling, slow. I am usually super high energy and I rather miss it. It is like I couldn't get revved up right now if I really wanted to! The downside to the low iron though is that I miss weight lifting. The slug of hauling a big chunk of metal up with loud music screaming in my ears, the feel of the old leather gloves on my hands, the tug on my muscles, the deep breathing, the getting hot, the endorphin rush, the meditative deep peaceful state, followed by my body telling me it is alive and I used it for the next few days while it repairs itself again. I love yoga too, but it does not have the same impact on me physically that weight lifting does. I bet Norm has no idea the joys he introduced me to in my twenties when he taught me how to lift weights!
Anyhow, back on topic. I think it is important, as MM always told me, to pay attention to other people. We are put in this world together, and that is how it has to work. I don't know how it is that I sometimes get wrapped up in my own head and shift away from this tenet. It is so simple; care about other people. I do love other people, and I care as well, but it seems like sometimes I just get shifted away from that, from the daily caring for other folks. I can hear Lucinda saying in my head too, about mindfulness, about keeping other people in our thoughts. I was upset about a friend's behaviour once, and she said to me too "she is only human" and that, too, is a phrase that often stands out with me. "She is only human."
I think this trails back to tolerance, and patience too. Acceptance. I often think of Bell Hooks essay on love too, and how we seek acceptance yet how when it is offered we are not always ready to accept it as it means simply being who and what we are, being naked per se, without a persona. I spent so much time and effort in my thirties working on accepting everyone for what they are - their true inner being - on caring for others, for speaking out for others, learning how to work with people who have been hurt and abused, people who are broken...how could I have moved away from something that has been so essential and something I believe in so deeply? How could I have moved away from the deep level of compassion and caring I used to have for folks, even total strangers? What happened? I have joked about my rose coloured glasses being chipped - right now I think I have just plain lost them! And it is time to find them and stick them on my face again, chips n' all.
There is all this talk about congruency, and about getting in touch with our true self. Why are folks so afraid of showing who and what they are? Why do so many of us, myself included, feel like we need to put forth a face, a mask, instead of letting folks see our real selves. People are more beautiful when they are covered in scars than when they are perfect. When I see someone covered in scars, physical or mental, then I know they have experienced life and they know what suffering and joy are, and I can respect that, I can embrace them.
I saw a film a couple of weeks ago called "The Shadow Effect" which was about embracing our dark side. Again, another moment of synchronicity. It is so important to acknowledge and accept this part of ourselves, no matter how bad we have been, we have to forgive, accept, and stop beating ourselves up over whatever we have done. (I keep using the figurative "we" but am talking about myself too.) Many times I think of the statement "and so it is" because sometimes that is all there is...things just are what they are regardless, what has happened has happened. We cannot change the occurrence of an event in the past, so may as well accept and embrace it, make amends where possible, and look to the future.
Since putting it out to the universe on New Years, that I am giving away old emotions for a couple of the ex-files and making room for new feelings, to embrace the change that comes with that, I have been feeling lighter, better in my heart. I think I was carrying around emotional junk that I wasn't even aware of having! Since then, since releasing the betrayal I felt for one, and the feelings I had for another, and have felt free to move again, not so bogged down emotionally.
I sometimes get visions when meditating, and had the vision of pure love cascading out of my chest the other night. Wave after wave of peace and pink and hearts came pouring out of me. My spine was silver, to show strength, and my heart overflowed with love. And I felt peace.
May peace be with you as well.
xxo
I am taking a course at work for the following six weeks, and it has a heavy focus on team work. Today, the teacher shared a great quote with us. The author is unknown.
". . .we have been trained to look for individual differences to stand out. So you look at each person; immediately it is 'brighter', 'dumber', 'older', 'younger', 'richer', 'poorer'.
We make these dimensional distinctions, put them in categories, treat them that way and we get so we only see others as separate from ourselves in the ways in which they are separate.
One of the dramatic characteristics of experience is being with another person and suddenly seeing the ways in which they are like you, not different from you. . ."
I think this course has come at a good time for me, it is just what I need right now. Synchronicity is happening again, and has been since New Years. One of the things I realized with reflecting on the emotional crash that happened in December, is that I spent a lot of the last year not only externally focused, but also focused more on myself than on other people. Yes, it is appropriate to have a healthy focus on yourself but this needs to be kept in focus, kept in balance, and for other people to be important too which is something I had been moving away from. Maybe it was a result of spending so much time alone this summer, of being so far away from the people I love, that contributed to it. I really have had to stand on my own two feet since being in Ottawa, and be incredibly independent, something I am kind of tired of doing, to be honest. Anyhow, the short line is that I need to become more focused on other people again and I truly think this course, with all the team work, is going to contribute to that happening again.
I am exhausted. Having really low iron is forcing me to slow down right now, and is giving me the time to be highly introspective again, something I have needed to be doing. I feel like I am moving through dough all the time, lethargic, peaceful feeling, slow. I am usually super high energy and I rather miss it. It is like I couldn't get revved up right now if I really wanted to! The downside to the low iron though is that I miss weight lifting. The slug of hauling a big chunk of metal up with loud music screaming in my ears, the feel of the old leather gloves on my hands, the tug on my muscles, the deep breathing, the getting hot, the endorphin rush, the meditative deep peaceful state, followed by my body telling me it is alive and I used it for the next few days while it repairs itself again. I love yoga too, but it does not have the same impact on me physically that weight lifting does. I bet Norm has no idea the joys he introduced me to in my twenties when he taught me how to lift weights!
Anyhow, back on topic. I think it is important, as MM always told me, to pay attention to other people. We are put in this world together, and that is how it has to work. I don't know how it is that I sometimes get wrapped up in my own head and shift away from this tenet. It is so simple; care about other people. I do love other people, and I care as well, but it seems like sometimes I just get shifted away from that, from the daily caring for other folks. I can hear Lucinda saying in my head too, about mindfulness, about keeping other people in our thoughts. I was upset about a friend's behaviour once, and she said to me too "she is only human" and that, too, is a phrase that often stands out with me. "She is only human."
I think this trails back to tolerance, and patience too. Acceptance. I often think of Bell Hooks essay on love too, and how we seek acceptance yet how when it is offered we are not always ready to accept it as it means simply being who and what we are, being naked per se, without a persona. I spent so much time and effort in my thirties working on accepting everyone for what they are - their true inner being - on caring for others, for speaking out for others, learning how to work with people who have been hurt and abused, people who are broken...how could I have moved away from something that has been so essential and something I believe in so deeply? How could I have moved away from the deep level of compassion and caring I used to have for folks, even total strangers? What happened? I have joked about my rose coloured glasses being chipped - right now I think I have just plain lost them! And it is time to find them and stick them on my face again, chips n' all.
There is all this talk about congruency, and about getting in touch with our true self. Why are folks so afraid of showing who and what they are? Why do so many of us, myself included, feel like we need to put forth a face, a mask, instead of letting folks see our real selves. People are more beautiful when they are covered in scars than when they are perfect. When I see someone covered in scars, physical or mental, then I know they have experienced life and they know what suffering and joy are, and I can respect that, I can embrace them.
I saw a film a couple of weeks ago called "The Shadow Effect" which was about embracing our dark side. Again, another moment of synchronicity. It is so important to acknowledge and accept this part of ourselves, no matter how bad we have been, we have to forgive, accept, and stop beating ourselves up over whatever we have done. (I keep using the figurative "we" but am talking about myself too.) Many times I think of the statement "and so it is" because sometimes that is all there is...things just are what they are regardless, what has happened has happened. We cannot change the occurrence of an event in the past, so may as well accept and embrace it, make amends where possible, and look to the future.
Since putting it out to the universe on New Years, that I am giving away old emotions for a couple of the ex-files and making room for new feelings, to embrace the change that comes with that, I have been feeling lighter, better in my heart. I think I was carrying around emotional junk that I wasn't even aware of having! Since then, since releasing the betrayal I felt for one, and the feelings I had for another, and have felt free to move again, not so bogged down emotionally.
I sometimes get visions when meditating, and had the vision of pure love cascading out of my chest the other night. Wave after wave of peace and pink and hearts came pouring out of me. My spine was silver, to show strength, and my heart overflowed with love. And I felt peace.
May peace be with you as well.
xxo
Monday, January 18, 2010
Reactivation
jan 17, 2010
reactivation
i think it is time to reactivate my old blog as i have been doing oodles of thinking about relationships lately, and am still pondering monogamy, intimacy, fears, desires, dreams, and traditional/non-traditional relationships. it is time to write again...it is time.
i am in a new city, have met new people, and have been trying to forge new relationships, both intimate and non-intimate. some are going okay and, well...
a couple of months ago, i met someone i really liked, and had this notion that i could date one-on-one. HA! needless to say, i did not do well with it. i have not dated one-on-one with someone for nine years and am totally not used to it. i felt oodles of insecurity (a new sensation), jealousy (a rare feeling), had old emotions triggered by the holidays, and totally self-destructed everything with him within the period of two weeks. i regretted what happened within moments of saying i didn't want to date anymore, wish i could turn back time, and undo the last week of december and the first week of january. but...i cannot undo time, and so the best i can do is to think positive, hand everything over to the angels, the goddess and the god, see this as a huge wake up call to spend some time on internal work again, and to return to a sense of peace once more - all of which i have been successful at doing so far.
the last year has been spent being focused on the external world to the exclusion of the internal: getting ahead, starting a new job, working in a "professional" work environment, having a focus on finances, moving twice (i loathe moving), getting rid of 50% of everything i owned, trying to find new folks to hang out with, not liking my current apartment so staying away about as much as possible, and missing my friends and family folks like crazy. i have not made much time to go within and stay in touch with my heart. in the past, and for much of the last fifteen years, i have spent a lot of time meditating, writing, drawing a bit, playing guitar, and just plain ruminating...and i have done almost none of that since the move here 8 months ago, and my soul is suffering from it, i am suffering from it. as well, it is time for me to be honest with myself about whether i am capable of, and want, a one-on-one relationship or if i am happier with the patchwork\multiples relationship style i have had the last few years. i desire a monogamous relationship but what am i truly capable of giving, what am i capable of being in? do i even believe in a monogamous one-on-one lifetime relationship anymore? i am starting to wonder why i keep striving for this ideal when it doesn't fit me well, and i haven't managed to do it in almost a decade and even in my teens and twenties it was hard! it is rather like the saying, "stupid is doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results."
aside from the emotional melt down the last month, i have been totally stable and fairly happy in most areas of my life since my old writings here. currently i feel mostly happy, content, and extremely grateful for having a job. early last year, i really got down on myself about not having a full time professional job for so long (over 10 years), but that has totally dissipated since having the job here. i got back to the gym doing weight lifting and yoga, and lost about 25/30 lbs. as well, i quit eating sugar and wheat 2 years ago this coming March, and it is one of the best things that i ever did for myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. i got into a heavy sugar binge just before the holidays this year, which greatly contributed to me being so intensely emotional. i have learned from this, big time. no more sugar for me as it truly is toxic physically and mentally and realize that i have to quit sugar like i quit smoking - zero options and say good bye in my heart.
okay...i am WAY past my bed time and must trundle off...
may peace be with you,
lou
xxo
as a side note... my old writings on this blog are heavily edited at this time and most of the comments are lost. if you want to read the entire blog original blog, please write to me and there is a chance i may share it. :)
reactivation
i think it is time to reactivate my old blog as i have been doing oodles of thinking about relationships lately, and am still pondering monogamy, intimacy, fears, desires, dreams, and traditional/non-traditional relationships. it is time to write again...it is time.
i am in a new city, have met new people, and have been trying to forge new relationships, both intimate and non-intimate. some are going okay and, well...
a couple of months ago, i met someone i really liked, and had this notion that i could date one-on-one. HA! needless to say, i did not do well with it. i have not dated one-on-one with someone for nine years and am totally not used to it. i felt oodles of insecurity (a new sensation), jealousy (a rare feeling), had old emotions triggered by the holidays, and totally self-destructed everything with him within the period of two weeks. i regretted what happened within moments of saying i didn't want to date anymore, wish i could turn back time, and undo the last week of december and the first week of january. but...i cannot undo time, and so the best i can do is to think positive, hand everything over to the angels, the goddess and the god, see this as a huge wake up call to spend some time on internal work again, and to return to a sense of peace once more - all of which i have been successful at doing so far.
the last year has been spent being focused on the external world to the exclusion of the internal: getting ahead, starting a new job, working in a "professional" work environment, having a focus on finances, moving twice (i loathe moving), getting rid of 50% of everything i owned, trying to find new folks to hang out with, not liking my current apartment so staying away about as much as possible, and missing my friends and family folks like crazy. i have not made much time to go within and stay in touch with my heart. in the past, and for much of the last fifteen years, i have spent a lot of time meditating, writing, drawing a bit, playing guitar, and just plain ruminating...and i have done almost none of that since the move here 8 months ago, and my soul is suffering from it, i am suffering from it. as well, it is time for me to be honest with myself about whether i am capable of, and want, a one-on-one relationship or if i am happier with the patchwork\multiples relationship style i have had the last few years. i desire a monogamous relationship but what am i truly capable of giving, what am i capable of being in? do i even believe in a monogamous one-on-one lifetime relationship anymore? i am starting to wonder why i keep striving for this ideal when it doesn't fit me well, and i haven't managed to do it in almost a decade and even in my teens and twenties it was hard! it is rather like the saying, "stupid is doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results."
aside from the emotional melt down the last month, i have been totally stable and fairly happy in most areas of my life since my old writings here. currently i feel mostly happy, content, and extremely grateful for having a job. early last year, i really got down on myself about not having a full time professional job for so long (over 10 years), but that has totally dissipated since having the job here. i got back to the gym doing weight lifting and yoga, and lost about 25/30 lbs. as well, i quit eating sugar and wheat 2 years ago this coming March, and it is one of the best things that i ever did for myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. i got into a heavy sugar binge just before the holidays this year, which greatly contributed to me being so intensely emotional. i have learned from this, big time. no more sugar for me as it truly is toxic physically and mentally and realize that i have to quit sugar like i quit smoking - zero options and say good bye in my heart.
okay...i am WAY past my bed time and must trundle off...
may peace be with you,
lou
xxo
as a side note... my old writings on this blog are heavily edited at this time and most of the comments are lost. if you want to read the entire blog original blog, please write to me and there is a chance i may share it. :)
Thursday, December 03, 2009
relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness
Dec 3, 2009 (slightly edited post from another message board)
relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness
Yup that is a big title. I am writing here to try to work through my thoughts on where I stand with all this stuff. I know I am ready for a relationship, but I do not know what I want as an outcome of that relationship. I would like to put it out there, and to find out what you guys think of this as well.
It seems like many of the men I meet do not want to date one on one (later note - in talking with a gf who is also dating, she told me that all the men she meets just want to have a single relationship so maybe I just attract men who don't want one on one situations). They almost all want to date numerous people at the same time although some will agree to physical monogamy if the situation turns physically intimate. I have met people in open marriages, and know of couples who have had affairs and worked things out. I think almost all of my close friends have left their original partner at this time, and are divorced if they ever were married. The only people I know who are still married to their original partner are usually older. Many people seem to have been divorced at least once. And those folks who are married often seem incredibly unhappy or bored with their lives after having been married for a few years.
So, all of that stuff I spouted off up there kinda makes me wonder if there is any point in me trying to find one person to have a long term relationship with. Is it worth while to do that? Am I better off to just keep my emotional attachments for my girlfriends and the odd male friend? I get all my support from my girlfriends to the point that I don't even know if I really need an intimate relationship with another person. I still don't know what I ultimately want from dating. I know that, right now, I want to be someone's girlfriend, for them to be proud of me, and want to go places together, and for us to develop a deeper more meaningful emotional relationship. But where would it go? I am not talking specific to anyone I have dated recently, I am talking about any man....where would it all go? I don't even know if I believe in being with someone forever, or if I believe in marriage.
I am open to many forms relationships. I am open to forging a relationship with one person, getting to a deeper emotional level, and know that I could have other folks involved with it. Yup, I just said the big no no - an open style relationship - but that I would need to forge a strong emotional bond and trust for that to happen. I know I could date a couple too, be them ss or whatever, and could be okay with a 3 way relationship. Yup, I know....it all sounds different, but I am open-minded toward it because my success rate with a regular monogamous one-on-one, be it live apart, live in, or engaged, relationships have not worked, and I know very few people in long term traditional relationships who are really happy.
So this much said, I know that I am probably, ultimately, leaning towards a non-monogamous relationship, yet I feel like I just want to be the only person at the very start of something yet realize that I could probably open it up later on, after some time has passed. And this kind of thinking is not overly congruent.
I am also starting to wonder whether monogamy is just a thing of the past....or maybe it is just a reflection of my generation. Serial monogamy seems to be the norm, with "monogamy" growing looser as folks age, and fewer folks wanting to date one-on-one. Many folks my age grew up in divorced homes, the first heavy round of divorces here in Canada, and I wonder if that is what has shattered many people from my generations belief in traditional monogamy. We were raised with the societal ideals of traditional monogamy and with the hopes of finding one person who we would be with forever, our grandparents did this.....but many of our parents did not. I was also born during the sexual revolution, and came of age in a time when folks were exploring open relationships and free love and I cannot help but wonder if that tinted my thinking about relationships as well. And, on top of it all, I have studied this topic a lot at school, and read a fair amount on it outside of school, and still continue to come to the conclusion that maybe a monogamous life time relationship is just an almost unachievable ideal.
When I was in college I used to think about gender based communities, about women living in one place, and men living in another place, and coming together in the middle....but then that wouldn't work because it would exclude so many people. And abolishing relationships all together would not work either. There is no one answer. So I am left thinking of what I really want, what my goals are.
In order to achieve a goal, the goal must be set. I give lip service to wanting to find a partner, but is this what I truly want to find? I sometimes wonder if my standards have gotten too high in the face of what is the reality of the folks I meet, or if maybe their standards are unachievable too. I do know that I am fragile in my heart, and feel vulnerable when I start to care for someone, and know that many other people feel the same way too. Some folks have simply turned their emotions off, refusing to allow them room to grow.
Maybe instead of learning from past mistakes, I have grown more afraid of failure. Perhaps this is part of it. I don't know, it is just a thought. I do know that, ever since I was young, I spoke out against getting married, about having a family, about forging a life long connection with one other person. And yet I tried to do so more than once, and almost did get married at one time, and sometimes wonder if maybe I should have given birth at some point in there too. Incidentally, I just briefly glanced at some stats yesterday and saw that women giving birth in their 40's is on the rise....so maybe there is hope for me yet. In a couple of years I may actually be able to afford a baby on my own. It is something to think about.
I joke around a lot about taking on a string of lovers, and maybe that is the actual reality I face, the actual future that lies in store for me. It could be scintillating, it could be fun. I enjoy people so very much, and am always open to something new. But, that much said, I also long for a monogamy of sorts, of forging a bond with one person in there some where but I cannot say for how long it would last. Should I start writing up contracts? How is this sort of situation negotiated or figured out? I will love you for a year and a day, and at the end of that we can re-negotiate. How could a couple ever make plans for long term financial investments in that sort of situation?! It means that I would always be making plans for myself and myself alone, and that seems incredibly self centered when I would like to share part of my life with someone else.
Maybe I have been single too long, or maybe my thinking is growing too liberal as I am aging. I sometimes think I am too wild for the conservative guys, yet too conservative for the liberal guys. Maybe I need to try to find someone who is moderate. But is that truly possible? Is there anyone else out there who is as confused about this as I am?
Anyhow, the gym is calling so I must move onwards with my evening. I have probably written too much here, or maybe I have not written enough. And I may be back to write some more. Please feel free to add your thoughts, I am interested in what you have to say....
xxo
Lou
relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness
Yup that is a big title. I am writing here to try to work through my thoughts on where I stand with all this stuff. I know I am ready for a relationship, but I do not know what I want as an outcome of that relationship. I would like to put it out there, and to find out what you guys think of this as well.
It seems like many of the men I meet do not want to date one on one (later note - in talking with a gf who is also dating, she told me that all the men she meets just want to have a single relationship so maybe I just attract men who don't want one on one situations). They almost all want to date numerous people at the same time although some will agree to physical monogamy if the situation turns physically intimate. I have met people in open marriages, and know of couples who have had affairs and worked things out. I think almost all of my close friends have left their original partner at this time, and are divorced if they ever were married. The only people I know who are still married to their original partner are usually older. Many people seem to have been divorced at least once. And those folks who are married often seem incredibly unhappy or bored with their lives after having been married for a few years.
So, all of that stuff I spouted off up there kinda makes me wonder if there is any point in me trying to find one person to have a long term relationship with. Is it worth while to do that? Am I better off to just keep my emotional attachments for my girlfriends and the odd male friend? I get all my support from my girlfriends to the point that I don't even know if I really need an intimate relationship with another person. I still don't know what I ultimately want from dating. I know that, right now, I want to be someone's girlfriend, for them to be proud of me, and want to go places together, and for us to develop a deeper more meaningful emotional relationship. But where would it go? I am not talking specific to anyone I have dated recently, I am talking about any man....where would it all go? I don't even know if I believe in being with someone forever, or if I believe in marriage.
I am open to many forms relationships. I am open to forging a relationship with one person, getting to a deeper emotional level, and know that I could have other folks involved with it. Yup, I just said the big no no - an open style relationship - but that I would need to forge a strong emotional bond and trust for that to happen. I know I could date a couple too, be them ss or whatever, and could be okay with a 3 way relationship. Yup, I know....it all sounds different, but I am open-minded toward it because my success rate with a regular monogamous one-on-one, be it live apart, live in, or engaged, relationships have not worked, and I know very few people in long term traditional relationships who are really happy.
So this much said, I know that I am probably, ultimately, leaning towards a non-monogamous relationship, yet I feel like I just want to be the only person at the very start of something yet realize that I could probably open it up later on, after some time has passed. And this kind of thinking is not overly congruent.
I am also starting to wonder whether monogamy is just a thing of the past....or maybe it is just a reflection of my generation. Serial monogamy seems to be the norm, with "monogamy" growing looser as folks age, and fewer folks wanting to date one-on-one. Many folks my age grew up in divorced homes, the first heavy round of divorces here in Canada, and I wonder if that is what has shattered many people from my generations belief in traditional monogamy. We were raised with the societal ideals of traditional monogamy and with the hopes of finding one person who we would be with forever, our grandparents did this.....but many of our parents did not. I was also born during the sexual revolution, and came of age in a time when folks were exploring open relationships and free love and I cannot help but wonder if that tinted my thinking about relationships as well. And, on top of it all, I have studied this topic a lot at school, and read a fair amount on it outside of school, and still continue to come to the conclusion that maybe a monogamous life time relationship is just an almost unachievable ideal.
When I was in college I used to think about gender based communities, about women living in one place, and men living in another place, and coming together in the middle....but then that wouldn't work because it would exclude so many people. And abolishing relationships all together would not work either. There is no one answer. So I am left thinking of what I really want, what my goals are.
In order to achieve a goal, the goal must be set. I give lip service to wanting to find a partner, but is this what I truly want to find? I sometimes wonder if my standards have gotten too high in the face of what is the reality of the folks I meet, or if maybe their standards are unachievable too. I do know that I am fragile in my heart, and feel vulnerable when I start to care for someone, and know that many other people feel the same way too. Some folks have simply turned their emotions off, refusing to allow them room to grow.
Maybe instead of learning from past mistakes, I have grown more afraid of failure. Perhaps this is part of it. I don't know, it is just a thought. I do know that, ever since I was young, I spoke out against getting married, about having a family, about forging a life long connection with one other person. And yet I tried to do so more than once, and almost did get married at one time, and sometimes wonder if maybe I should have given birth at some point in there too. Incidentally, I just briefly glanced at some stats yesterday and saw that women giving birth in their 40's is on the rise....so maybe there is hope for me yet. In a couple of years I may actually be able to afford a baby on my own. It is something to think about.
I joke around a lot about taking on a string of lovers, and maybe that is the actual reality I face, the actual future that lies in store for me. It could be scintillating, it could be fun. I enjoy people so very much, and am always open to something new. But, that much said, I also long for a monogamy of sorts, of forging a bond with one person in there some where but I cannot say for how long it would last. Should I start writing up contracts? How is this sort of situation negotiated or figured out? I will love you for a year and a day, and at the end of that we can re-negotiate. How could a couple ever make plans for long term financial investments in that sort of situation?! It means that I would always be making plans for myself and myself alone, and that seems incredibly self centered when I would like to share part of my life with someone else.
Maybe I have been single too long, or maybe my thinking is growing too liberal as I am aging. I sometimes think I am too wild for the conservative guys, yet too conservative for the liberal guys. Maybe I need to try to find someone who is moderate. But is that truly possible? Is there anyone else out there who is as confused about this as I am?
Anyhow, the gym is calling so I must move onwards with my evening. I have probably written too much here, or maybe I have not written enough. And I may be back to write some more. Please feel free to add your thoughts, I am interested in what you have to say....
xxo
Lou
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Changing Times
I think my time of using this has a place to process relationships is at a standstill, and has been for mostly over a year now. At the time, I really needed to write and to be read. Now, I don't seem to need that anymore. Times change, people change, and it is now my time to move on. Maybe some day I will actively write here again. In the meantime, it is back to the real world for me.
May you know peace.
:)
Lou
May you know peace.
:)
Lou
Monday, February 18, 2008
Great People Day
It is family day today in Southwestern Ontario. Yup, another day to celebrate the sanctity of the family unit. I guess it is in case all the step-moms 'n dads feel left out, all the aunts, the uncles, and the in-laws. Personally, I would rather celebrate great people and leave all the family stuff to Mother's Day and Father's Day maybe just changing their clauses to include extended family and step-folks.
I realized tonight when washing the dishes and thinking that there are not many holiday days of the year that I can actually celebrate. I am a single, British born (now Canadian), non-reproduced, non-military, non-Christian, equalist, earth based belief system woman without a biological mother or father. Lets see...holidays...
Mother's and Father's days - self explanatory (although I do think of my family folks for these times). No biological parents, no kids. Forced celebrations regardless of family status. I always feel bad for those kids at school who do not have parents who have to face all the hubub to do with these holidays. I think it is going to be equally as bad to have Family Day. But I digress...back to the topic at hand.
Canada Day - although I have lived here most of my life, I never became Canadian until about 3 years ago. Ok, Ok...hahaha :) I have always celebrated it because Canada is my home, England holds my roots. But still....point made...I have only been Canadian for the last three years and, thus, can technically celebrate the holiday.
Valentine's Day - I am single. Now, mind you, I often have celebrated this day as being for love in general but it really is aimed at couples and, if you aren't part of a couple, it sure can make you feel like you have something wrong with you. The lore behind this holiday is interesting as well, and it is worth a visit to Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day
St. Patrick's Day - uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Yup. I am going to celebrate a Christian man who went around converting the Pagans. I believe in freedom of choice when it comes to religion, and do not support "converting" people at all. I think that is wrong and that folks should be able to make up their own minds. I also think it ironic that the day is celebrating by drinking green beer...
Easter and Christmas are Christian holidays. I do celebrate Christmas, but not as the birth of Christ...rather I see it as a time to spend with friends and special folks celebrating the dark time of the year and welcoming back the sun. Yup...I tend to bring in my earthy beliefs.
Remembrance Day. Now, I have to confess, I do not celebrate this day as I do not support war. However, that much said, I do think that this particular day is important to honour the folk who have died for the sake of peace. I haven't quite made up my mind as to what I actually think of this day. I think it safe to say that, at this time, I am torn and straddle the fence.
Now, there is a day I do celebrate...I do celebrate International Women's Day. However, I think it unbalanced in that we do not have an International Man's Day and, since I really do support equality, I think that men should have a special day as well...and I would celebrate that day too. I also support the December 6th Memorial Day which is marking violence against women everywhere. I think it is important to remember that woman abuse is still a very strong part of our social fabric, and that it is wrong to abuse anyone.
I enjoy Thanksgiving as well, and do celebrate it. I look at it as the abundance of the harvest, a time to start settling into the home for the winter, and a time to re-connect with people. I do not like the American way of celebrating the Pilgrims though as that was the destruction of another race of people and I do not see it proper to celebrate that aspect.
I actually do enjoy spending special time for many of these holidays, even though they don't actually call to me personally. I love getting together with family folks, and I love spending time with friends. I can honour the fallen, and can celebrate what is yet to come. I can celebrate in general and just put my own personal spin onto the celebration days at hand. And...that much said...I am going to close my rant on Family Day and spend some time thinking about the special folks in my life.
Peace be with you on this holiday. May you be loved somewhere by someone, and have the ability to celebrate your own specialness.
lou
I realized tonight when washing the dishes and thinking that there are not many holiday days of the year that I can actually celebrate. I am a single, British born (now Canadian), non-reproduced, non-military, non-Christian, equalist, earth based belief system woman without a biological mother or father. Lets see...holidays...
Mother's and Father's days - self explanatory (although I do think of my family folks for these times). No biological parents, no kids. Forced celebrations regardless of family status. I always feel bad for those kids at school who do not have parents who have to face all the hubub to do with these holidays. I think it is going to be equally as bad to have Family Day. But I digress...back to the topic at hand.
Canada Day - although I have lived here most of my life, I never became Canadian until about 3 years ago. Ok, Ok...hahaha :) I have always celebrated it because Canada is my home, England holds my roots. But still....point made...I have only been Canadian for the last three years and, thus, can technically celebrate the holiday.
Valentine's Day - I am single. Now, mind you, I often have celebrated this day as being for love in general but it really is aimed at couples and, if you aren't part of a couple, it sure can make you feel like you have something wrong with you. The lore behind this holiday is interesting as well, and it is worth a visit to Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day
St. Patrick's Day - uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Yup. I am going to celebrate a Christian man who went around converting the Pagans. I believe in freedom of choice when it comes to religion, and do not support "converting" people at all. I think that is wrong and that folks should be able to make up their own minds. I also think it ironic that the day is celebrating by drinking green beer...
Easter and Christmas are Christian holidays. I do celebrate Christmas, but not as the birth of Christ...rather I see it as a time to spend with friends and special folks celebrating the dark time of the year and welcoming back the sun. Yup...I tend to bring in my earthy beliefs.
Remembrance Day. Now, I have to confess, I do not celebrate this day as I do not support war. However, that much said, I do think that this particular day is important to honour the folk who have died for the sake of peace. I haven't quite made up my mind as to what I actually think of this day. I think it safe to say that, at this time, I am torn and straddle the fence.
Now, there is a day I do celebrate...I do celebrate International Women's Day. However, I think it unbalanced in that we do not have an International Man's Day and, since I really do support equality, I think that men should have a special day as well...and I would celebrate that day too. I also support the December 6th Memorial Day which is marking violence against women everywhere. I think it is important to remember that woman abuse is still a very strong part of our social fabric, and that it is wrong to abuse anyone.
I enjoy Thanksgiving as well, and do celebrate it. I look at it as the abundance of the harvest, a time to start settling into the home for the winter, and a time to re-connect with people. I do not like the American way of celebrating the Pilgrims though as that was the destruction of another race of people and I do not see it proper to celebrate that aspect.
I actually do enjoy spending special time for many of these holidays, even though they don't actually call to me personally. I love getting together with family folks, and I love spending time with friends. I can honour the fallen, and can celebrate what is yet to come. I can celebrate in general and just put my own personal spin onto the celebration days at hand. And...that much said...I am going to close my rant on Family Day and spend some time thinking about the special folks in my life.
Peace be with you on this holiday. May you be loved somewhere by someone, and have the ability to celebrate your own specialness.
lou
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
self worth and tolerance applied to intimate relationships and branching out to family, friends, work, and object ownership blatherings and thoughts
I actually wrote this a couple of days ago in my fb journal. Tonight, I got thinking and figured it should be here as well.
When I was housebound at the start of January, a friend loaned me the movie, “The Joy Luck Club.” I watched it, then watched it again, and watched it one more time. Three weeks later, I am still thinking. It just won’t go away.
Briefly, the film is about a group of four women who emigrated from China to the States, their lives, the lives of their daughters, the similarities, the differences, the hopes, dreams, and lessons that are to be learned from each life. The part that has captured me is the notion of what you are worth. I keep pondering this.
In the movie, it is strictly about what a woman is worth in regards to her relationship with a man. What is she willing to sacrifice from herself? What is she willing to settle for? According to the premise of the movie, the value a woman places on herself is the value she will be given in an intimate relationship.
I see this as a lesson that can go beyond an intimate relationship. Self worth is something that influences friendships and family dynamics. Work can be influenced by what one is willing to settle for too. Then I got to thinking about houses, and the miscellaneous stuff that we surround ourselves with and what we settle for and self worth. Then I think of self esteem and how buying objects can be done to replace a lack of sense of self, and yet I know that there has to be a sense of self worth in order to buy the self an object at all. The picture keeps growing bigger. But to return to the original thought . . .
Relationships. Why is it that a person is able to give so much of themselves away in a particular relationship with a particular person yet, at the same time, have no tolerance for the same behaviours from anyone else? We have various levels of tolerance for various folks in our lives. This is seen in how we react to children, the frail, people with challenges in their lives; most folks show more patience and understanding towards these people. Parents are probably far more tolerant of their children’s behaviour than most other people would be. We have more understanding when someone is faced with a hardship, or is ill, or is going through something. But why is it, overall, that people are able to have such high levels of tolerance for someone’s negative behaviour that they wouldn’t accept from someone else, if there was not a viable explanation for the behaviour? Does it stem from self worth? Does it stem from love? Unconditional love? Is there really such a thing as unconditional love? Okay, that is another topic all together… I digress.
Is tolerating a singular person’s negative behaviour while having no tolerance in someone else showing similar actions without a viable cause a reflection of self esteem in an intimate relationship, or is it a reflection of love and caring? I think in order to love someone else that a person has to be capable of loving themselves first. Loving the self is a huge part of self esteem, self worth and self respect. If a person doesn’t love themselves it is hard to provide themselves with comfort and caring, let alone be able to set higher standards for relationship expectations.
Now, that much said, what about if a person is escaping into an intimate relationship in order to avoid delving too deep into themselves? That could happen as well. Hmmm. Aha…that would be more of an obsession than a love though. Okay, so the ability to love another stems from being able to love the self. Now back to the thought of when someone tolerates behaviours in a person they love that they would not tolerate in someone else, even though they may have love for that person too. Why is there a difference in the levels of tolerance? Could it be biological? It has been shown (and no I am not going to go dig out the research right now, and yes I am just blathering off the top of my head, and yes I am still thinking of the article I skimmed in Time Magazine last week on relationships and chemical attraction, and yes thinking of various courses I have taken and books I have read), that people are attracted to other people on the basis of smell, what they see, pheromones and chemicals. We have the theory of evolution – we are driven to reproduce with people we are biologically compatible with. So is does this play a role in it? Is it because we have met the person who is most biologically compatible with us which gives us reason to tolerate their negative behaviours? Incidentally, a side note from the Time Magazine article, I thought it interesting that a couple could be attracted to one another, fall in love, get married, yet when the woman went off the birth control pills she had been on all through the relationship they lost their attraction. There may be more chemical attraction at play than what many of us would care to admit as we embrace freedom of choice.
So maybe that is part of it - that we are destined through chemical attraction to love this person and, thus, will tolerate the poor behaviour. But this still doesn’t explain the foundation of the poor behaviour and that needs to be explained as well for this to be a cohesive thought. And why would the tolerating person be tolerating so much in the first place if they truly loved themselves? If one person is tolerating then the other person is acting, one is giving away ones values that they apply to other people and it causes me to wonder what the other person is doing. This cannot be considered simply from the side of the person doing the tolerating; it needs to be more balanced…there always has to be balance. Are they giving away their values as well by performing the behaviour? Do they perform this behaviour with all other people or just this select one person? Do they love the other person as well? When does tolerance become too much tolerance and move from the realm of understanding into the realm of self harm. Definitions are needed. Balance. More pondering is needed. Maybe once I can get through the thought process of understanding the foundations of tolerance, love, and self worth as used in the movie, I can carry on and apply it towards the other areas I have been thinking of…family, friends, work, and ownership. To start though, I have to understand intimate relationships, self worth, and tolerance.
**sighs**
Damned movie.
When I was housebound at the start of January, a friend loaned me the movie, “The Joy Luck Club.” I watched it, then watched it again, and watched it one more time. Three weeks later, I am still thinking. It just won’t go away.
Briefly, the film is about a group of four women who emigrated from China to the States, their lives, the lives of their daughters, the similarities, the differences, the hopes, dreams, and lessons that are to be learned from each life. The part that has captured me is the notion of what you are worth. I keep pondering this.
In the movie, it is strictly about what a woman is worth in regards to her relationship with a man. What is she willing to sacrifice from herself? What is she willing to settle for? According to the premise of the movie, the value a woman places on herself is the value she will be given in an intimate relationship.
I see this as a lesson that can go beyond an intimate relationship. Self worth is something that influences friendships and family dynamics. Work can be influenced by what one is willing to settle for too. Then I got to thinking about houses, and the miscellaneous stuff that we surround ourselves with and what we settle for and self worth. Then I think of self esteem and how buying objects can be done to replace a lack of sense of self, and yet I know that there has to be a sense of self worth in order to buy the self an object at all. The picture keeps growing bigger. But to return to the original thought . . .
Relationships. Why is it that a person is able to give so much of themselves away in a particular relationship with a particular person yet, at the same time, have no tolerance for the same behaviours from anyone else? We have various levels of tolerance for various folks in our lives. This is seen in how we react to children, the frail, people with challenges in their lives; most folks show more patience and understanding towards these people. Parents are probably far more tolerant of their children’s behaviour than most other people would be. We have more understanding when someone is faced with a hardship, or is ill, or is going through something. But why is it, overall, that people are able to have such high levels of tolerance for someone’s negative behaviour that they wouldn’t accept from someone else, if there was not a viable explanation for the behaviour? Does it stem from self worth? Does it stem from love? Unconditional love? Is there really such a thing as unconditional love? Okay, that is another topic all together… I digress.
Is tolerating a singular person’s negative behaviour while having no tolerance in someone else showing similar actions without a viable cause a reflection of self esteem in an intimate relationship, or is it a reflection of love and caring? I think in order to love someone else that a person has to be capable of loving themselves first. Loving the self is a huge part of self esteem, self worth and self respect. If a person doesn’t love themselves it is hard to provide themselves with comfort and caring, let alone be able to set higher standards for relationship expectations.
Now, that much said, what about if a person is escaping into an intimate relationship in order to avoid delving too deep into themselves? That could happen as well. Hmmm. Aha…that would be more of an obsession than a love though. Okay, so the ability to love another stems from being able to love the self. Now back to the thought of when someone tolerates behaviours in a person they love that they would not tolerate in someone else, even though they may have love for that person too. Why is there a difference in the levels of tolerance? Could it be biological? It has been shown (and no I am not going to go dig out the research right now, and yes I am just blathering off the top of my head, and yes I am still thinking of the article I skimmed in Time Magazine last week on relationships and chemical attraction, and yes thinking of various courses I have taken and books I have read), that people are attracted to other people on the basis of smell, what they see, pheromones and chemicals. We have the theory of evolution – we are driven to reproduce with people we are biologically compatible with. So is does this play a role in it? Is it because we have met the person who is most biologically compatible with us which gives us reason to tolerate their negative behaviours? Incidentally, a side note from the Time Magazine article, I thought it interesting that a couple could be attracted to one another, fall in love, get married, yet when the woman went off the birth control pills she had been on all through the relationship they lost their attraction. There may be more chemical attraction at play than what many of us would care to admit as we embrace freedom of choice.
So maybe that is part of it - that we are destined through chemical attraction to love this person and, thus, will tolerate the poor behaviour. But this still doesn’t explain the foundation of the poor behaviour and that needs to be explained as well for this to be a cohesive thought. And why would the tolerating person be tolerating so much in the first place if they truly loved themselves? If one person is tolerating then the other person is acting, one is giving away ones values that they apply to other people and it causes me to wonder what the other person is doing. This cannot be considered simply from the side of the person doing the tolerating; it needs to be more balanced…there always has to be balance. Are they giving away their values as well by performing the behaviour? Do they perform this behaviour with all other people or just this select one person? Do they love the other person as well? When does tolerance become too much tolerance and move from the realm of understanding into the realm of self harm. Definitions are needed. Balance. More pondering is needed. Maybe once I can get through the thought process of understanding the foundations of tolerance, love, and self worth as used in the movie, I can carry on and apply it towards the other areas I have been thinking of…family, friends, work, and ownership. To start though, I have to understand intimate relationships, self worth, and tolerance.
**sighs**
Damned movie.
Friday, November 02, 2007
large life lesson
Friday, November 02, 2007
large life lesson
i learned a large life lesson today, one i hope that i will never forget.
there was a woman who used to live in the basement bachelor apartment in the same building as i live in. she had a lot of cats, and used to feed all the birds and squirrels. she used to watch what everyone did, and talked to anyone who would listen. a number of things happened, she drove me nuts, and i called her the mad cat woman. i consciously chose not to pay her any attention, nor to be her friend.
i received a call today from a mutual friend who had stayed in touch with her after she moved into a house. my friend had not heard from the mad cat woman in over a week and, knowing she was sick, went to her house and broke in through the bathroom window. she found her upstairs in her bed, she had been dead for a week.
i think it is so sad that she died alone, and that it took a week for it to be noticed that she was gone. i had the power to have been her friend, to be someone in her network, and to watch out for her. i was given the opportunity to do good in this world, and i chose not to. i was wrong, and i should have given a damn, and should have contributed good rather than turning my back on someone who was lonely, and who could have done with my friendship.
i preach so much about being good to other people, about being there for them, and about how we are all in this world together so have to help one another. yet i was a hypocrite with this, and i turned my back on someone. that was wrong of me to have done that.
so today, i learned a large life lesson. when the opportunity is presented to me to do some good in this world, i am not going to turn it down. i will contribute what i can, where i can, and when i am able to instead of choosing to turn my back.
in this case, it is too late for me to say i am sorry to her, and it is too late to be her friend...but it is not too late for me to learn from my mistake.
lou
large life lesson
i learned a large life lesson today, one i hope that i will never forget.
there was a woman who used to live in the basement bachelor apartment in the same building as i live in. she had a lot of cats, and used to feed all the birds and squirrels. she used to watch what everyone did, and talked to anyone who would listen. a number of things happened, she drove me nuts, and i called her the mad cat woman. i consciously chose not to pay her any attention, nor to be her friend.
i received a call today from a mutual friend who had stayed in touch with her after she moved into a house. my friend had not heard from the mad cat woman in over a week and, knowing she was sick, went to her house and broke in through the bathroom window. she found her upstairs in her bed, she had been dead for a week.
i think it is so sad that she died alone, and that it took a week for it to be noticed that she was gone. i had the power to have been her friend, to be someone in her network, and to watch out for her. i was given the opportunity to do good in this world, and i chose not to. i was wrong, and i should have given a damn, and should have contributed good rather than turning my back on someone who was lonely, and who could have done with my friendship.
i preach so much about being good to other people, about being there for them, and about how we are all in this world together so have to help one another. yet i was a hypocrite with this, and i turned my back on someone. that was wrong of me to have done that.
so today, i learned a large life lesson. when the opportunity is presented to me to do some good in this world, i am not going to turn it down. i will contribute what i can, where i can, and when i am able to instead of choosing to turn my back.
in this case, it is too late for me to say i am sorry to her, and it is too late to be her friend...but it is not too late for me to learn from my mistake.
lou
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
And so it is...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
And so it is...
And so it is...
i feel peace inside in regards to my past. finally. i can understand why i spent so many years feeling fragmented. i had to fragment myself in order to survive everything i went through. i never split up, and i never became a multiple personality...i simply fragmented instead putting parts of me away and into boxes so i wouldnt fall apart. those pieces are together now, and the story has a linear motion to it instead of being spread around all over my being. i can think back, and know what happened and in which order, something i couldnt do before. i was not able to think of my teenage years in totality. every time i tried to, i would overload and the emotions would be too much to go through.
i do not want to discuss what happened in each event that took place, i just want to look at it as a whole. the individual occurrences dont matter so much to me, it is the resulting damage i have dealt with that matters. it is like "yes, that happened, i acknowledge it, it was awful, and it is over. i have been hurt, and i have survived. i am a good person today, and today is what matters most. those things are in the past, and are done."
i lost my childhood fast, and in a tragic way. yes, that is true. my mother was awful, that too is true. the adults around at that time chose not to see what was going on, and i met a lot of real bad men. this doesnt mean that all men are bad, nor are all mothers. this simply means that the people around me at that time were not very good nor observant. i wasnt taken care of properly when i needed to be. there are no excuses for what happened, and nothing to say that any of it was okay. it was wrong, it was bad, but it happened and is over now.
i still have not cried much beyond a dozen tears for what happened to me. i dont feel as though i need to. i think i have spent countless years being depressed, sad and frustrated over this, without knowing why i felt so much unrest in my soul. now i know the cause of the unrest. and am feeling more settled. i think peace is what is important to me now. i have already cried enough.
and so this is what has happened. i am a good person today. i am not promiscuous, and i am not usually mean hearted. i work hard to stay a good person and to keep my belief in humanity. i work hard not to become bitter inside. it would be so easy to hate the world, and to bear a grudge against everyone and everything that this happened to me. its not worth it though, being angry doesnt bring me peace, and i need peace.
i know that everything that is given out in life comes back, so it is not of my concern as to what happens/happened to those men. they have to live with what they have done, and it will come back to haunt them. it is seldom that we deeply hurt another being and not have it come back to haunt us. justice will prevail in time, i know that it will. i only have to think of the life my mother leads now to know that everything we put out comes back to us threefold.
i know that some day i will meet someone, i have no doubt about that. i am in no rush either. overall, i have a pretty good life alone and dont need someone to complete me. i dont feel so complicated anymore. i also do not relish the idea of ever having to tell someone all this mess either though, it is a lot to tell someone who doesnt really know me. the real life guy knew almost nothing of any of my history, the online guy knew just a bit more. neither of them ever knew the full story, and i dont know if i ever would have told them.
i know that if i am to ever have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone, that i will have to face telling them the truth. **sighs** maybe that will be a sign that it is okay, i will be able to tell my story to the man i am to love. i used to talk more to my boyfriends when i was younger, today i keep more inside. funny how i can type it all out for anyone to read, yet i cant talk to a man one on one about it. i am sure that that will change some day. i know that i will have to talk openly to a man about it, and am sure i will when the time is right. maybe i will just send them to my blog instead.
i understand more how it is that i came to care for the online guy. it is still hard for me to let go of him, and i still miss him after it being more than three months that we talked last. i still miss the real life guy too, more than i care to admit, and it has been eight months. i actually miss him more than the online guy as he was in the real world with me and the other guy has always been somewhat removed. both of these were safe men for me as neither was capable of giving himself to me. it doesnt mean that i loved them any less though. i fell for the real life guy the first time i met him, it hit me hard, and makes me believe that there is love at first sight. i fell in love with the online guy slowly over time, always yearning for what i could not have. i know that, in time, i will stop thinking of either one of these men, and will let go. it is actually pretty positive that i am able to love at all, given what i have gone through in life.
i finally cried over the online guy tonight, and am starting to let him go. i have to. it is time. i am feeling like the connection is severed now anyhow, and has been for some time. he is gone, and isnt coming back. i need to accept this.
i still feel like the real life guy is around some place in the background. i dont feel like our time together is done. this is my gut feeling, not my logic. logic says he is long gone, instinct tells me he isnt and there is still a connection of sorts. my connection with the online guy is broken, the real life guy remains.
i am cold. the summer heat left a couple of days ago, and the house is cold. i am going to go put some warm clothes on, and make hot chocolate. i have worked piling up around me, and should tackle a few more hours before sleep.
hot chocolate and warm clothes, that is what will make me happy tonight. it is the small things in life that are important.
and so it is...
*****
jan 16, 2010
as a later note to this posting...
i wound up seeing the real life guy again after 9 months of not dating, and we were involved for almost another year. i finally told him i loved him after 2.5 years of knowing him, it literally took that long for me to feel "safe" with him, only to have the relationship end after doing this. i still don't understand why we didn't have a full relationship as we had almost everything in common beside his gross materialism and wealth and my lack of social status - we laughed, talked, hung out, etc and even our last time together was great with oodles of chemistry and interaction. since everything ended, even though i still feel he is in the background somewhere, i have emotionally let him go and just simply hope he is happy, and am content knowing that the time we shared was good. as well, we have zero communication these days, which is for the best at this time.
And so it is...
And so it is...
i feel peace inside in regards to my past. finally. i can understand why i spent so many years feeling fragmented. i had to fragment myself in order to survive everything i went through. i never split up, and i never became a multiple personality...i simply fragmented instead putting parts of me away and into boxes so i wouldnt fall apart. those pieces are together now, and the story has a linear motion to it instead of being spread around all over my being. i can think back, and know what happened and in which order, something i couldnt do before. i was not able to think of my teenage years in totality. every time i tried to, i would overload and the emotions would be too much to go through.
i do not want to discuss what happened in each event that took place, i just want to look at it as a whole. the individual occurrences dont matter so much to me, it is the resulting damage i have dealt with that matters. it is like "yes, that happened, i acknowledge it, it was awful, and it is over. i have been hurt, and i have survived. i am a good person today, and today is what matters most. those things are in the past, and are done."
i lost my childhood fast, and in a tragic way. yes, that is true. my mother was awful, that too is true. the adults around at that time chose not to see what was going on, and i met a lot of real bad men. this doesnt mean that all men are bad, nor are all mothers. this simply means that the people around me at that time were not very good nor observant. i wasnt taken care of properly when i needed to be. there are no excuses for what happened, and nothing to say that any of it was okay. it was wrong, it was bad, but it happened and is over now.
i still have not cried much beyond a dozen tears for what happened to me. i dont feel as though i need to. i think i have spent countless years being depressed, sad and frustrated over this, without knowing why i felt so much unrest in my soul. now i know the cause of the unrest. and am feeling more settled. i think peace is what is important to me now. i have already cried enough.
and so this is what has happened. i am a good person today. i am not promiscuous, and i am not usually mean hearted. i work hard to stay a good person and to keep my belief in humanity. i work hard not to become bitter inside. it would be so easy to hate the world, and to bear a grudge against everyone and everything that this happened to me. its not worth it though, being angry doesnt bring me peace, and i need peace.
i know that everything that is given out in life comes back, so it is not of my concern as to what happens/happened to those men. they have to live with what they have done, and it will come back to haunt them. it is seldom that we deeply hurt another being and not have it come back to haunt us. justice will prevail in time, i know that it will. i only have to think of the life my mother leads now to know that everything we put out comes back to us threefold.
i know that some day i will meet someone, i have no doubt about that. i am in no rush either. overall, i have a pretty good life alone and dont need someone to complete me. i dont feel so complicated anymore. i also do not relish the idea of ever having to tell someone all this mess either though, it is a lot to tell someone who doesnt really know me. the real life guy knew almost nothing of any of my history, the online guy knew just a bit more. neither of them ever knew the full story, and i dont know if i ever would have told them.
i know that if i am to ever have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone, that i will have to face telling them the truth. **sighs** maybe that will be a sign that it is okay, i will be able to tell my story to the man i am to love. i used to talk more to my boyfriends when i was younger, today i keep more inside. funny how i can type it all out for anyone to read, yet i cant talk to a man one on one about it. i am sure that that will change some day. i know that i will have to talk openly to a man about it, and am sure i will when the time is right. maybe i will just send them to my blog instead.
i understand more how it is that i came to care for the online guy. it is still hard for me to let go of him, and i still miss him after it being more than three months that we talked last. i still miss the real life guy too, more than i care to admit, and it has been eight months. i actually miss him more than the online guy as he was in the real world with me and the other guy has always been somewhat removed. both of these were safe men for me as neither was capable of giving himself to me. it doesnt mean that i loved them any less though. i fell for the real life guy the first time i met him, it hit me hard, and makes me believe that there is love at first sight. i fell in love with the online guy slowly over time, always yearning for what i could not have. i know that, in time, i will stop thinking of either one of these men, and will let go. it is actually pretty positive that i am able to love at all, given what i have gone through in life.
i finally cried over the online guy tonight, and am starting to let him go. i have to. it is time. i am feeling like the connection is severed now anyhow, and has been for some time. he is gone, and isnt coming back. i need to accept this.
i still feel like the real life guy is around some place in the background. i dont feel like our time together is done. this is my gut feeling, not my logic. logic says he is long gone, instinct tells me he isnt and there is still a connection of sorts. my connection with the online guy is broken, the real life guy remains.
i am cold. the summer heat left a couple of days ago, and the house is cold. i am going to go put some warm clothes on, and make hot chocolate. i have worked piling up around me, and should tackle a few more hours before sleep.
hot chocolate and warm clothes, that is what will make me happy tonight. it is the small things in life that are important.
and so it is...
*****
jan 16, 2010
as a later note to this posting...
i wound up seeing the real life guy again after 9 months of not dating, and we were involved for almost another year. i finally told him i loved him after 2.5 years of knowing him, it literally took that long for me to feel "safe" with him, only to have the relationship end after doing this. i still don't understand why we didn't have a full relationship as we had almost everything in common beside his gross materialism and wealth and my lack of social status - we laughed, talked, hung out, etc and even our last time together was great with oodles of chemistry and interaction. since everything ended, even though i still feel he is in the background somewhere, i have emotionally let him go and just simply hope he is happy, and am content knowing that the time we shared was good. as well, we have zero communication these days, which is for the best at this time.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
untold stories
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
untold stories
07/31/07
When I was a little girl
I used to dance
I played with my friends
After school
When I was a little girl
I used to dance
I read lots of books
In a cherry tree
When I was a little girl
I used to dance
I spoke to the trees
And to the plants
When I was a little girl
I used to dance
Then one
Day
It.
All.
Changed.
We left my step-dad.
And my life became worse than it had ever been.
I came home from school
One afternoon
Found my mother upstairs
Almost dead
I was frightened and scared
And no adult was there
I called to the bar
For my step-dad
I loved him, and he was good to me.
I missed him, I never wanted to leave him, and my mother made me leave with her.
He came big and strong
To help with my mom
An ambulance came
She was gone
My world it turned black
No light entered in
I started to forget how to
Dance with my friends
The memories are gone
No reminder remaining
But a hole in my heart
Was unfilled
My life was unsure
And safety was none
And so came the start of
My song
A man she met
And moved us in
Four weeks later his wrath
We endured
I think I was outside
Watching from inside
He smashed on the walls
Of our home
Frightened and scared
With no place to run
My new home life
Had begun
He had a big dog
Black, with trusting brown eyes
Two feet tall
With long ears
He fed him a beer
Held his head to pour it in
The big beautiful dog
Fell down
The man laughed so hard
Thought it humour and fun
My heart broke inside
For the dog
A few weeks later
I was sleeping on the floor
My mom and that man
Down the hall
Tiger was his name
And sex was his game
He found me sleeping
There
I was very young
And he was twice my age
Fifteen feet away
No one cared
I learned to drink
And to do drugs at home
Believing they were the right
Things to do
Violence was normal
Safety was none
And no one watched out
For me
I cut my hand open
Blood running down
Went into the house
For some help
Company was over
The party going strong
And nobody noticed
Me bleed
One night he was angry
And smashed a car window with wood
Trying to attack my
Mom
I tried to defend her and was
Dragged back in the house and was
Beaten with a coat hanger in a closet by
Their friend
I slept on the floor
With the dirt and the dust
An old blanket was
My bed
He came home one night
And stood over me
Took out his penis
And “peed”
And nobody knew
And nobody cared
For the little girl
Who was me
We found a new town
And an old dirty house
The ceiling was falling
Down
My life it grew worse
And violence was a curse
I was rolled in a ball and
Was thrown
One day he was sweeping
All through the room
I said something rude and
Wore the broom
The fights were so bad
And home was unsafe
I ran in the snow with
No shoes
A man found me cold
And offered a ride
The local drug dealer
He was tough
He got me safe and warm
And wiped away my tears
And was the kindest man who
I met
A fight on the stairs
Lighting was dim
My mother was yelling
At me
I left.
But my body remained.
Three.
Feet.
Away.
And I watched.
And stopped feeling any pain.
After school one day
The man came onto me
Stuck his tongue down my throat
And I don’t know anymore
The time is black
No reminders remain
The story locked deep
Inside me
I cut a hole in my leg with a razor blade to see if I could feel.
I stopped eating my food
And became really thin
Thinking to vanish
Away
I spent days in my bed
Alone with no food
And death entered in and
Spoke to me
I became unafraid to die.
A drive down the road
I was taken in
But the doctor he never
Rescued me
I stood on the steps
In the falling snow
Watched the man beat his dog
With his boots
Smeared with food on my neck
From a very bad fight
I ran to my friends to
Get away
I saw my friends homes
Peaceful and warm
With no holes in the floor
Underneath
No bruises and blood
No beer and no pot
No cigarettes
No sex
They seemed so safe.
And I knew that there was more
And a better life for me
So I asked to be taken
Away
And they took me.
My foster home was okay
In the country I lived
Thinking all was safe for
Awhile
The third time was there
He was twice my age
And nobody rescued
Me
People all around
Yet no one heard
No one came into
The room
And I tried to kill myself.
And was moved to a different house.
Holy Jesus Christ, our Savior he
Will come and he will rescue you
Repent
Repent
Repent
And the lord will come and take you
On judgment day
Repent
Repent.
And they sent me away to
A new place
To make me
“better”
And I grew worse.
And I forgot about dancing
Sex and smoking and
“Jeanie is Crying”
And I built my land of
Cherries
I ran away and wound up with bikers
I ran away and lived on the street
And in the train station
In Toronto
And they locked me up and
Shot me full of sedatives and
They took my clothes
Away
And left me
Naked
On the
Floor
With a plastic covered
Mattress in a
Cold room with
Steel bars
And steel mesh and
They
Observed
Me
As I ripped the
Flesh
From my hands
Trying to
Punch.
My.
Way.
Out.
They left me in
The dark
Alone
Terrified
The scars on my hands fade with time.
And this
Was to make
Me
“Better”
Man number four got me there
no one was looking no one watched
And no one knew
At all
He had bright blue eyes
I stopped crying
I hypnotized away the pain
Left my body and went
Far away
And I knew in my heart
I really was
Really and truly was
Alone
And nobody heard and nobody came and nobody rescued me
I learned not to love, not to remember, that nowhere was safe, and
That sex could buy me a bed so I could sleep in the warmth off the street
Fifteen to eighteen months later
I didn’t go to school
And I didn’t dance with my friends
Anymore
I lost my tree
I lost the books
I lost the plants
I lost me
I was not a little girl
Anymore
I was thirteen
Maybe fourteen
My innocence and childhood were gone.
I will wrap my poppet warm tonight. She represents myself, my lost self, my lost dance. She has eyes of lapis lazuli to see the truth, to speak from within. Her mouth is red and she smiles. She is me.
I have candles burning. Blood red for life; blue for the west, for water, for emotion, for healing. Perfumed smoke fills the air to purify and cleanse.
I am whole.
I am here.
I am alive.
I am not afraid to live.
And I am not afraid to die.
My life is a gift and
I am a lucky woman
To be here
At all
I still cannot cry but the story is out now.
By the age of fifteen, I was sexually assaulted three more times by three other men. Of the seven men, only two were my own age. The other five men were two to four times older than me. My mothers boyfriend most likely sexually assaulted me, he definitely sexually assaulted my sister. He probably masturbated rather than peed on me when I lay curled up on the floor in a blanket. I don’t know how many more sexual assaults there may have been, or how many men gave me a place to sleep in exchange for sex. Because of trading sex, I never had to sleep on the streets although I ran away a lot. The same men also fed me. I think most of those men were in their late teens or early twenties. There are black holes in my memory from thirteen until fifteen, maybe sixteen. I think I lost most of that time.
Late in that time period, my boyfriend’s family reached out for me and I grasped on tight. That is why I am here today. They taught me “home,” they taught me “me.” I will always be thankful more than anyone could ever know. They did not then, and even now, know all these stories. At the time, my boyfriend did not know some of what happened because I could not tell him even though some of that took place when I was with him.
The stories have not been told together until today. I am forty one years old. It has taken me about twenty five years to tell the unspoken complete story of my early teenage years. The stories started with leaving my step-dad, and ended when I was around thirteen to fourteen years old. I don’t remember much violence after that time period. By the age of sixteen, I had my own apartment and there were no more sexual assaults in my life. For the first time in years, I was finally safe.
lou
Thursday, June 21, 2007
a love from the past
Thursday, June 21, 2007
a love from the past
i logged into a chat the other day and poof! he was there. we have not talked in so long. the old emotions hit me fast and rapid, making my heart beat a tad quicker, making my breath catch in my throat. i still love him.
i had to let him go. i know now, and i knew then, that it was the best thing to do. didnt mean that i didnt love him. it simply meant that it was the best thing to do. i cried for weeks, every night, heart broken, mourning him, and missing him so very much. and yet we spent such a short time together. it felt like it had been years. we loved intensely, passionately, deeply, and fast. and, in too short of time, it was over. just like that.
he moved eight hours away, too far for me to keep up the relationship. it was like someone bit a great big hole out of me when he left, and it took a long time for me to stop crying over him. such a gentle person was he. and i think he may be one of the few men who understood that i can love more than one man at a time, that i can see more than one as special. he is someone who could have shared me if that is what would have happened, he would have been okay with that. He encouraged me to continue on the fling i was having when we met, and he knew about jeff, and used to tease me that i would run away to virginia. when jeff found out about him, he refused to talk to me for weeks and weeks, and he never did tell me what was wrong. he didnt want me for himself, and encouraged me to meet someone else. yet, when i did, he got upset. said i hid mark from him, but i never did. i just didnt know how to tell him that mark was here. jeff and i never did resolve what happened over mark, it always remained unspoken and hidden just below the surface of everything we did.
so. we have chatted online. it has been rapid, two nights worth. and old emotions are rising in me. it is like no time has passed. i cannot fall in love all over again with this man, it is not right. he is far away, and i dont live there. this cannot be. i have to keep it at arms length, and enjoy him as a friend. no deep loving allowed.
i met him through a friend. i had gone with her to a local bar, and he was there. he kept coming over and sitting by me, yet not saying much. he just smiled a lot at me. i didnt quite know what to say. so i just smiled a lot back. i gave him my phone number when he asked, and a week or so later heard from him.
he took me on the best first date ever. we met every night before the first date to have mini pre dates where we drank milkshakes and talked until it was late in the evening. for our first official date, we rode bicycles down to the park to watch a midsummer's night dream, my favourite shakespearian play. we ate smoked salmon, vegetables and crackers, sharing food with the folks around us as we had so much to eat. later, we went to a friends place where we sat around a bonfire, played guitars and sang. we drank some wine, and enjoyed ourselves so very much, so very much. he made me feel so very special. it was a special night indeed. we wound up spending eight or ten weeks together, and bonded so tightly in that time. then he had to go.
we cried together when he was leaving. every night he wrapped himself around me and held me tight, and i never felt squashed, i always felt safe. he was so tall and so slim. he fit around me like a cloak. i have never been held like that night after night. he was so gentle with me.
i am glad that the relationship ended in the midst of passion and love. it leaves me with good memories. i still know that it was the right thing to do, and feel no regrets. i just know that once upon a time i loved a man. and i love him still.
xxoo
a love from the past
i logged into a chat the other day and poof! he was there. we have not talked in so long. the old emotions hit me fast and rapid, making my heart beat a tad quicker, making my breath catch in my throat. i still love him.
i had to let him go. i know now, and i knew then, that it was the best thing to do. didnt mean that i didnt love him. it simply meant that it was the best thing to do. i cried for weeks, every night, heart broken, mourning him, and missing him so very much. and yet we spent such a short time together. it felt like it had been years. we loved intensely, passionately, deeply, and fast. and, in too short of time, it was over. just like that.
he moved eight hours away, too far for me to keep up the relationship. it was like someone bit a great big hole out of me when he left, and it took a long time for me to stop crying over him. such a gentle person was he. and i think he may be one of the few men who understood that i can love more than one man at a time, that i can see more than one as special. he is someone who could have shared me if that is what would have happened, he would have been okay with that. He encouraged me to continue on the fling i was having when we met, and he knew about jeff, and used to tease me that i would run away to virginia. when jeff found out about him, he refused to talk to me for weeks and weeks, and he never did tell me what was wrong. he didnt want me for himself, and encouraged me to meet someone else. yet, when i did, he got upset. said i hid mark from him, but i never did. i just didnt know how to tell him that mark was here. jeff and i never did resolve what happened over mark, it always remained unspoken and hidden just below the surface of everything we did.
so. we have chatted online. it has been rapid, two nights worth. and old emotions are rising in me. it is like no time has passed. i cannot fall in love all over again with this man, it is not right. he is far away, and i dont live there. this cannot be. i have to keep it at arms length, and enjoy him as a friend. no deep loving allowed.
i met him through a friend. i had gone with her to a local bar, and he was there. he kept coming over and sitting by me, yet not saying much. he just smiled a lot at me. i didnt quite know what to say. so i just smiled a lot back. i gave him my phone number when he asked, and a week or so later heard from him.
he took me on the best first date ever. we met every night before the first date to have mini pre dates where we drank milkshakes and talked until it was late in the evening. for our first official date, we rode bicycles down to the park to watch a midsummer's night dream, my favourite shakespearian play. we ate smoked salmon, vegetables and crackers, sharing food with the folks around us as we had so much to eat. later, we went to a friends place where we sat around a bonfire, played guitars and sang. we drank some wine, and enjoyed ourselves so very much, so very much. he made me feel so very special. it was a special night indeed. we wound up spending eight or ten weeks together, and bonded so tightly in that time. then he had to go.
we cried together when he was leaving. every night he wrapped himself around me and held me tight, and i never felt squashed, i always felt safe. he was so tall and so slim. he fit around me like a cloak. i have never been held like that night after night. he was so gentle with me.
i am glad that the relationship ended in the midst of passion and love. it leaves me with good memories. i still know that it was the right thing to do, and feel no regrets. i just know that once upon a time i loved a man. and i love him still.
xxoo
Sunday, June 17, 2007
cherry trees
Sunday, June 17, 2007
cherry trees
i went and sat in the backyard of my employer after work tonight with her, her friend, and her daughter. she has a delightful backyard. plants, flowers, high fence which makes it private. the jasmine is in blossom, and the cherry tree is full of dangling cherries, yellow english cherries with a blush of red. the music was playing softly, and conversation moving around.
cherry trees. we were eating fruit salad, and cherries from the tree, and the conversation shifted around to childhood places. i wound up talking quite a bit about where i come from, what my background is. it is so rare that i talk that much to people all in one sitting, so very rare. i am okay tonight, not triggered like i thought i may have become by telling so much information. instead, i just feel as though i shared a part of my story, i shared a part of me.
cherry trees. when i was a little girl around seven we lived in a house in a small village in a valley. a river flowed through across the road, and the house was set halfway up a hill covered in a bush. behind the bush, where the hill leveled out, there were farmers fields that stretched for miles and miles. there was one house built up there which looked out across the valley. it was an idyllic spot for childhood.
cherry trees. i read a lot of books as a child, i constantly had my nose buried in one, and one of my most favourite spots to read was in the cherry tree in the front yard. i read my way through the Katy Did books, through the Little Women series, through Around the World in 180 Days, Enid Blyton by the bushel full, Alice was a favourite friend, Jane Eyre, Daddy Long Legs, and Narnia. All were my friends, and more. Reading was such a good escape for me, and the tree brought me peace.
cherry trees. i would sit in that tree all day. i ate cherries, i read books, and i felt safe. later when i was a teenager, i learned to separate myself from reality, a form of self hypnosis, and i recreated my cherry tree. i lived in a horrible place that i hated, and cherry hill became a sanctuary of sorts.
cherry trees. i had an entire world in my mind that i would go to, and all of it involved cherries. i called it cherry hill. and when things were looking bleak, i would rock myself there. i climbed up a hill, and went to visit the cherry people who lived in little cherry houses with tiny windows with cherry curtains, and tiny cherry doors. inside we drank cherry juice and we ate cherry pie and fresh cherries. little cherry chairs, and little cherry tables. and the cherry people didnt feel anything, they didnt cry, they didnt laugh, they just survived until the purple monster came and got them. the purple monster was at the bottom of the hill, and it would come up with the cherry merry go round and would get all the cherry people. sometimes the cherry people got away. and so it was in my imaginary world.
cherry trees. and it kept me safe.
cherry hill did not last for a very long time, by the time i was twenty i think it was all gone. it was just a place i had inside my head for a few years, a place i could go to when i got overwhelmed in the real world. cherry hill does not exist at all anymore in any place apart from my memory. it was a very special place for me.
cherry trees. and so tonight i sat underneath a cherry tree, and i told a lot of my story. and it was okay. that is the first english cherry tree i have seen, that i remember, since childhood.
cherry trees.
:)
lou
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
East Street
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
east street
i used to live in a house on east street. it wasnt quite a real house, just sort of a house. it had a backyard, yet the front door opened right on the sidewalk in the middle of the little town i was living in. it was an odd location. big place, 3 bedrooms, living room, dining room, kitchen, laundry. the bathroom was one of the sunniest bathrooms i ever remember seeing, and i really liked it.
my mom had just left my step dad, and i was in grade 7. we had hardly any furniture at that time, but it was a vast improvement over the motel we had been staying in. it got cold in that house, and water froze in the glass in my bedroom. sometimes we didnt have any electricity either as my mom didnt always pay the bill. still, it was our home at that time.
sometimes my friends would come over after school, and we would dance to the sound track from grease, and dream that we were sandy. i liked sandy so much that i even wore my hair up in barrettes just to be like her. we used to dance to disco too.
i actually dont have many memories in that house. there is a picture some place of my mom looking scared and serious holding up some toy she made in front of a christmas tree, and a picture of my stepdad holding me by the scruff of my neck while i am laughing in my bedroom. i had stuck photos all over the wall with tape, and had some old blue flowered sheer curtains tied up with string. an afghan and a doll are on my bed, and the room is a putrid peach colour. i dont think there are any other pictures from that house. and i cant remember much that happened there.
i came home from school one day, and heard a crashing on the ceiling as i sat on the couch. there were thumping sounds coming down. i went up and found my mom in bed. she could hardly speak but told me to go call my step dad at the legion where he was drinking with his friends. i called him and told him to come over, which he did. the legion was only a block away so he got there fast. he called an ambulance, and the last thing i remember seeing was my mom on a stretcher being wheeled out of the house. she didnt come back. i dont know how long she was gone, and i dont know who looked after us. i dont know if we went some place. i have no memories of this time. i know that she would have been gone for at least a month. she had been sent to the local psych hospital as she had attempted suicide, and they kept her there for awhile. after she had left the house, i went and looked around in her bedroom. i remember finding pills and alcohol beside the bed, and a joint in the ashtray. i dont remember feeling any emotions. it is like that memory is just simply a tape that doesnt elicit any emotion, and i am missing most of the tape. i just have this one scene of my mom trying to kill herself, a vague memory of dancing with my friends, and the layout of the house.
when my mom got out of the psych hospital, she had a boyfriend she had met there. we moved in with him really fast, my sister and i being put in this tiny room in a mobile home. the place was filthy. i dont know how long it was before he became violent. i dont remember any happy times at the mobile. it was all dirty, unhappy, lots of drinking, people around, fish, and fighting. the quality of my life went down so fast there. i had little attention from my mom before. in that house, i had none. i was still in grade 7.
i cut my thumb real bad while filleting fish in the driveway. i went in the house to get some help from someone. everyone was so drunk, that no one helped me. i had blood pouring down my hand. i still have a scar from it. i finally went to my friends house just down the road. her mom cleaned my thumb up. how could all those adults have ignored a kid with a bleeding thumb? i still dont understand.
i only hate one person in this entire world, and that is the man who my mom moved us in with when she got out of the psych hospital. in all the years she lived with him, over ten, she never knew why he had been interred at the hospital. turned out that he had sat in front of his ex-wife's house with a loaded shot gun pointed at her door. he had sat there for ages before they took him away. he was banned from owning guns because of that, and had to spend time in the psych hospital. she never knew this until i was in my twenties. and this is the man she trusted with herself and with her children.
my mom stood up for this man the entire time she was with him. she always said i was lying when i tried to tell her what happened with him when she wasnt at home. she said that i instigated everything, and that it was my fault that he was violent with her. everything was blamed on me. i was a kid, maybe 12 years old. how could i instigate so much damage? i used to protest my innocence with her, but she never believed me. by grade 8 we were living in a new city, in another house.
that house was so run down. there were holes in the floor in the kitchen so you had to be careful stuff didnt go into the basement. the living room ceiling partly fell down from under the tub, and i dont think anyone ever fixed it. there was just this huge spot with wood showing through. that house was real dirty too. everything was dirty when i was a kid. my mom never really cleaned anything, nor did laundry. she told me to go do it on my own once when i said about washing clothes. how she expected me to go do it is beyond my thinking.
anyhow, i am not writing about that house. i was writing about east street. it is easy to get pulled down the road along to the different houses at times. i just want to focus in on east street.
i liked my friends there. i dont remember exactly who i hung out with, or what we did, i just have a great sense of happiness when i think of them. and i remember dancing. and i remember sunshine in the bathroom. those are the good things, and what i choose to remember the most.
looking back, it was a pretty big time of transitions for me. we left the man who i loved dearly, my step father. i didnt want to leave him. i remember my mom screaming at me in the driveway that i had to go with her, and i didnt want to leave. i loved him a lot. my mom said later how he would come to east street and bring food. he would eat and put the leftovers in the fridge, but we were not allowed to eat them. i dont remember this at all. that is just one of my moms stories. i had to change schools when we moved and, at that age, i am sure that i must have been going through physical changes as well.
anyhow, i better get moving on with the day. i am in a good mood today, feeling happy. the sun is out, and it is a good day to be alive. i am thankful that i dont live on east street and am thankful i dont live in that town.
i am wandering back to the sunshine of today...
:)
lou
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