It's just another day in November

Nov 11, 2016

I live with C-PTSD and often deal with ongoing suicidal ideation (this has been constant since I was a child and, although exhausting at times, I am not at risk of self-harm).  As some folks would know from reading my early posts, I have done a lot of self-work using art therapy, EMDR, talk therapy, inner child work, and finally ten years psychoanalysis with a complex trauma specialist.  Also, all my academics from college and university are in sociology, psychology, and social work.  I have been an advocate for non-violence, and was involved with social and political activism.  I am not a drug addict nor an alcoholic.  I am a high school drop out, and hold a full time professional job I worked hard to get.  I have been told I am an inspiration, and have had people look up to me for what I have accomplished.

In spite of having a childhood riddled with complex traumas from the far end of the spectrum, and being diagnosed with C-PTSD and having early dissociative tendencies and suicidal ideations, I have held everything together quite well for the past 20 years aside from the allergic reaction I had to Zyban about 12 years ago, and have been out of regular therapy for about 8 years.  I thought I knew myself and that my tool box held enough tools to keep myself on a fairly even keel. I grew confident, and stopped being so hyper-vigilant with myself, and let my guard down with myself, and trusted my own thoughts, emotions, and reactions.  Things were looking good.

About 4 weeks ago, I was full on triggered without expecting it, dissociated, and verbally ran down a person who was one of my main supporters to one of his friends.  He was someone who had my back and who I both respect and care about ever so much.  The shame I feel from knowing what I did and the things I said to hurt this person is immense.  I acted in the very way that goes against everything I believe in - I perpetuated an exact form of the abuse I received, and that I have worked so hard to leave behind me, which is a hard piece to accept.  This is one of the few times someone hasn't walked away from me, which is unusual, and even more so as I said some of the nastiest things I have ever said to someone.  I'm not running away either, which is also unusual as I tend to exit when things get too rough for me to handle.  My friend made a very strong suggestion for me to return to doing some self work.  I don't know what is going to happen with the friendship, and it is not my decision to make as I am the one in the wrong.

In the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have been in touch with a crisis counsellor, messaged a lot with a friend who is a therapist, reached out to a private support group of friends, and have had my first appointment with an ongoing therapist.  I have been actively dissociated in all this time, have been working at coming back to wholeness, and am making some progress.

I want to talk openly about what it is like to live with C-PTSD, to have dissociation tendencies and suicidal ideation, and to live with chronic conditions that are all a result of going through so much child abuse and trauma before I turned 16 and created a safe place to live on my own.

*****

What it is like to live with C-PTSD and to have survived a brutal childhood:

- always have to watch myself to make sure that my real past doesn't bleed into conversations with regular people as they usually don't understand or it upsets them too much to hear about it.  I am always editing my past.  People can be incredibly judgemental too.  This leads to great incongruency within myself and is one of the hardest things for me to manage as I simply want to be who and what I am all the time instead of just some of the time with safe people.

- not allowing myself to have kids because I was afraid of what kind of mother I would be, and this was in spite of hearing from therapists that I would make a great mom.

- not allowing myself to risk another long term relationship because I am afraid I don't have the resources inside to be a good, solid partner to someone.  I'm also afraid I couldn't emotionally navigate a serious break up.  I tend to stop dating people I really like and who I could have a solid relationship with because I like them too much.

- having an over-active startle reflex.  I jump and react quickly even when it is totally un-necessary.

- being hyper alert when trying to go to bed.  This is one of the hardest ones to deal with.  Just before bed, I often become hyper awake and have to get everything settled before I can go to sleep.  This is why hearing lots of noise from other apartments bothers me.  Stereos late at night are a real trigger as I was abused late at night with a stereo playing loud music.  This one has persisted in spite of trying to work with it, and causes me huge problems wherever I live.  If I live in a noisy place, I don't get much sleep.  If I don't get much sleep, I can derail emotionally.  A lot of noise can bother me at any time actually, especially if people are arguing.

- I have very few conflict management skills.  The ones I learned as a child were inappropriate and, as an adult, I have difficulty with intense emotions.  Most times, I will simply walk away when I feel too much, and sometimes I will lash out.  I am always really proud of myself when I manage conflict well as it shows that I have learned something.  I've done a lot of personal work and therapy in this area. 

- it can be hard to understand what people mean, especially if their words don't match their actions.

- having a tendency to expect more from people than what they can do or give.

- not always being aware of things that are logical to other people.  I had to learn to carry an umbrella and wear a rain coat.  I had to learn how dentists work and how to go see one.  I didn't know anything about house work, and didn't know how to cook until I was in my 30's.

- I can't always trust my own judgement for myself, which leads to a lot of over-thinking, over-analysis, and second-guessing.  It is anxiety producing.

On the road to getting answers...

Hi Folks!

I received a phone call yesterday with the message that I am booked in to see an Osteopath this January.  I have been in pain for a very long time, and think it is Psoriatic Arthritis.  And I want to dance as long as I can.

Now that is out of the way...

I turned 50 this year.  Yup, 50.  And I love it.  It is the most liberating thing that has happened in quite some time.

As a brief update, I may have sorted out some of my personal relationship issues.  I am dating, and have some steady people in my life - yayy!  I am even learning that it is okay to care and to be cared about, and am starting to ask people for help instead of trying to tackle the world all alone all the time.

I am also in progress with health.  The IBS-D is more manageable now.  I stick to a low-FODMAPs diet most of the time, allowing myself to try new foods and to have small amount of treats periodically.  I still get flare ups, especially if I am tired or stressed, but they don't normally wipe me out as badly as they did in the past.  It is easier to live with restricted food than it is to live with full-blown IBS-D.  I am so grateful to the workers at the Monosh University in AUS for the work they have done, and continue to do, in the field of IBS management and food.

Now...all the updates are out of the way.  I am feeling a strong need to write again because I had a phone call yesterday from the doctor's office telling me that I have an appointment set for January to see an Osteopath.  I am guessing that the blood work that was done a couple of weeks ago came back positive for Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA).  I was diagnosed with skin Psoriasis about 15 years ago, just after I quit smoking.  Yup, quit smoking and psoriasis showed up.  I am one of the lucky people as I it isn't too bad for me.  I get it on my scalp, ear canals, elbows, and a tiny patch in between my toes on a regular basis.  My fingernails always have tiny pits, and my toenails have more severe signs, thus are always painted.  Increase my stress levels, and scales may show up in my eyebrows, and even in a butterfly pattern on my face (checked - no lupus).  Thankfully, it hasn't shown up on my knees since my original diagnosis.  I have learned to live with it, exfoliate an awful lot, use olive oil for cleaning, and often forget it is there as being itchy somewhere is second nature to me now.  As well, many people don't realize I have it as I rarely show external signs outside of really rough elbows due to all the care I take with it.

Well...I am avoiding why I am writing.  About five years ago, I developed plantar faciitis (PF), and it almost crippled me as it lasted for 2.5 - 3 years.  Non-stop wearing of custom orthotics and orthotic-style shoes along with yoga got it to go away.  At least, at the time it was diagnosed as PF, and treated as such.  For the most part, it has gone away but still tends to show up the odd time.

Then, about 2 years ago, my hips became quite sore after spending about 10 days fire dancing every night at a festival.  Fire dancing involves a lot of hip movements, and I had a sloped camping spot so sleeping flat was impossible so I wrote off the pain to that.  Then, it never went away.  About ten months later, it was still there so I went to the doctor who sent me for physiotherapy.  I faithfully attended physio sessions and did yoga, stretches, and muscle rolling like crazy...and, although it abated, it never went away.  The pain would slow down but not stop.

There has been a drastic increase in pain over the last year or so, and I now have to stretch almost daily to keep things within a tolerable range and sometimes pop Advil like jelly beans.  Since last winter, the pain has increased to the point now that, if I actually listen to it within my body, tears run down my face because it doesn't let up or go away.  But...most days I strap on a smile and go about my business and don't say much about it because it is what it is, and I have things to do.  People notice me hobbling at work when I stand up, and I laugh and say I am old when inside I just want to hang onto something tight and cry.  Sometimes I am so exhausted from the pain that I retreat to my comfy chair and watch garbage tv, hoping the pain will slow down enough again for me to get back out to the real world.  There isn't much room for me to have self-pity in my busy life so I plug on, go a bit slower some days, and try to continue on in a normal way.

After trying to live with the high pain levels, I finally broke down with the physiotherapist a couple of months ago asking why my muscles weren't healing, and why the pain was getting worse in spite of doing all the exercises rather faithfully for the previous two years.  She didn't have an answer, and asked for me to contact my doctor for x-rays, which I had done.

The x-ray results show that my SI joint is disintegrating a bit.  The SI joint is the one that connects the hips to the spine.  Thankfully, it doesn't have a large range of motion.  The doctor sent this information to me in an email.  I kind of tottered around camping that weekend feeling a bit emotionally numb trying to digest the information that my body is actively breaking down, and pondering what the best and worst life trajectories might be.  So I came home, and started to do some research.

As mentioned up higher, I have Psoriasis.  And Psoriasis can develop into Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA).  I went to my doctor to chat about the SI joints, and the possibility that it might be PsA.  She wanted to send me directly to a sports doctor, but was quite open to sending me for testing when I explained my Psoriasis to her, and how I have been diagnosed by 3 previous doctors, if I remember correctly (I have only been with my current doctor for about 4 years, having gone to walk in clinics before that so she is missing a bit of history with me).  I am glad she is open when I request testing.  So, that leads me up to the phone call yesterday.  I still haven't heard back from the blood work but, having an appointment made with an Ostepath rather than a sports clinic makes me think my results were likely positive for PsA.

So.  That is a lot of news for me to digest.  I have only spoken to one person about the PsA this weekend, and haven't quite digested it yet.  I am slowly accepting that the pain I live with may never go away although, from what I am reading, it can quite probably be managed.  I have also discovered through reading this weekend that high levels of exhaustion are normal with PsA, which explains why most days I want to fall asleep mid-afternoon, and find it challenging to maintain my usual busy lifestyle.  The biggest thing I have been thinking all weekend, well, since I got my x-ray results actually but even more so now, is that I really want to live.

I want to dance as much as I can before my hips conk out.  I made myself dance at the festival this summer.  I couldn't keep the pace up like I used to, it was harder to swing my hips around, and I couldn't dance every night but, still, I danced.  I danced my heart out.  I danced like I may never be able to dance again.  And I want to continue dancing.  I want to dance so much that if a day ever comes that I can no longer dance with my body that I can dance in my mind and feel it in my body as if I was still actually moving.  I want to dance.

And I want to go sky diving.  Yup, I want to leap from a plane.  That much said, I may just accept leaping off a cliff instead with a bungee cord.  I am not ready to stop playing.

So.  That is what I am facing right now, and am facing most of this alone.  I am not sure what is going to happen next or how I am going to deal with it if I am told that my body will break down but I do know one thing.  I have faced a lot of challenges in my life so far, so I can face this one too because nothing has broken me down yet.  So...

Off I go to tighten my laces and snug up my boot straps because I may be in for quite the journey this year and need a good pair of shoes to do it in.

xxo
Lou

Bad reaction today.  The new foods: LF sour cream, taco shells, pineapple.  I have had problems with high fat food in the past, so it may have been the sour cream.  Pineapple often causes a sore throat but nothing today, and taco shells are not normally something I eat.

From looking at it, it may be the taco shells as they have TBHQ, which causes food to maintain the same shape in the colon instead of breaking down (study done with ramen noodles...the home made ones broke down in twenty minutes, and the commercial ramen noodles were the same shape 2 hours later).

I should try sour cream tomorrow, and keep everything else neutral.

I ate Golden Syrup tonight too.  Childhood YUM!

Day 15, low FODMAPs diet

Wow and holy padoodle.  I think the difference in food is making a difference in the way my body acts.  I have already discovered that I cannot eat celery or carrots.  Mayo is questionable, as is either popcorn or lots of butter...it may be the butter.  I have energy, and am not exhausted.  Today, I am having a flare up from 3 days worth of stress but it is nothing compared to what my usual flare up is like...no pain, no having to go to bed to deal with the following exhaustion...not even any exhaustion!

I went and saw the nutritionist at my dr's office and she modified my list from the "IBS Free at Last!" book.  A couple of items were removed, and quite a few added in.  I am still not sure about what is and is not allowed, and continue to shop from the list figuring if it is in my home I can eat it.

And, I have to say it feels rather good to be cooking for myself.  There is no getting away WITHOUT cooking....if I don't cook, I don't really eat, simple as that.  Tonight, I made blueberry lemon supposed-to-be muffins (GF flour, blueberries, lemon rind, sour cream, sugar, egg, baking powder) and had them with my home made chocolate ice cream (frozen bananas, cocoa powder, LF milk, maple syrup) - YUM!

The bonus?  I lost about 5 lbs in two weeks.

This is working, I think.....this is working.

Day 4, FODMAP elimination diet

Digestive system has been great today.  I ate closer to what I normally do only within the FODMAPs free zone.  And I didn't have any mayo.

FODMAPs

Ahh...it has been a good six years since I wrote anything here and, after much poking around the new changes, finally found the window to write in.

Moving forwards...

BACKGROUND
I started a FODMAPs elimination diet two days ago, and am tracking my food over at fitday.com (link listed below). My profile there is public but, for some reason, I am unable to make the writing journal portion of it public...which is really needed to go along with the food portion for folks who are interested in what I am going through with this.

BRIEF BIO and lead up to FODMAPs
I have had a digestive disorder since I was a teenager, and finally went to get diagnosed about 4 years ago. I sometimes deal with GERD (excessive acid reflux), have a hiatus hernia (valve doesn't close properly at the top of my stomach so the acid moves up my throat), and have IBS-D (digestive duress). The hiatus hernia may have been caused by heavy weight lifting as it developed when I was older, and the IBS-D is likely hereditary as both my bio mom and nan had digestive issues. In the past, I have gone through phases of being a vegetarian (twice, and I really suck at it), low fat (it was terrible for my health), gluten free/sugar free/fermented foods free (was great for my health but hard to maintain much beyond the 3 years I did it), super clean eating with high protein (the way I get eating when weight lifting and my body loves it), moderately clean with lower fibre and higher protein (the way I usually revert to eating, and one that is moderately well tolerated by my body). I have also followed Weight Watchers 2 or 3 times (both core and points), and read a lot of information about food and healthy eating in the past. And still...I continue to deal with both the HH and IBS-D no matter which way of eating I am following, it is getting worse as I am aging, and, to be quite frank, there are times it kinda just plain wrecks my life. Oh, and I am unable to take medications for any length of time as my body doesn't metabolize them properly so they can pool in my system and become toxic. After two bad reactions, one of them particularly nasty and expensive, I just plain stopped taking meds on a regular basis. I also deal with psoriasis which I personally think may be related to food along with the common stress trigger.

I have tried to figure out the root triggers of the IBS-D before without much success. Thankfully, the HH doesn't act up often. However, the IBS-D acts up on almost a weekly basis due to a multitude of unknown causes, and even more if I am really stressed. Stress is one of the one triggers, along with lots of high fibre foods, and/or excess grease or fats, that I know can trigger it. Maybe. It is kinda like trying to manage a huge octopus in a very tiny bag. So...once again...I wound up at the doctor's office a couple of weeks ago in desperation begging her to help me do something to control it as it often controls my life (think missed days of work, missed social events, and being nervous to travel too far some days). This time, I wound up seeing the nurse practitioner instead of said, "Have you ever looked into FODMAPs?" Well, sometimes that is all it takes, a single question, and I am off and galloping along doing research on a topic

The FODMAPs way of eating sounds logical as it all has to do with the way the body digests sugars, fibre, and carbs. The food doesn't get digested properly in the small intestine so moves into the large intestine partially digested. This food, in turn, ferments and the body sends in lots of extra fluid to flush it out...this the D part of the IBS-D. That is it in a nutshell without any big long complicated words. Eat fewer foods that trigger the osmosis, and all is better if not totally good again. (PS - I am in touch with my doctor about this, and have free access to a dietitian to discuss any issues I may run into with it.)

USEFUL ARTICLES (for those folks who are interested)

This is a basic explanation of IBS-D:
http://www.webmd.com/ibs/guide/ibs-with-diarrhea-ibs-d

More indepth explanation of IBS:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3921083/

The following site has a good synopsis of what FODMAPs are. It includes the big words - yayy! Site:
http://www.webmd.com/ibs/what-is-fodmap

Here is a good article on PubMed explaining the efficacy and research behind FODMAPs. It also explains a chemical sensitivity elimination diet, which I am not currently following but may speak with the dietitian at my doctor's office this week about doing it at the same time as the FODMAPs elimination diet as I just started a few days ago. Great article:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3388522/

This explains a hiatus hernia:
http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/hiatal-hernia

Finally, I strongly suggest to anyone who has any kind of digestive condition that you go see a gastro-intestinal specialist and run all the tests or do whatever your doctor suggests to get an idea of what is going on. I self diagnosed in the past only to find out I was heading in the wrong direction. The good thing about having a label is at least you can start to do research on what may, or may not, help you. And it can keep you from jumping on a potentially unhealthy band wagon just 'cause it is trendy.

FODMAPs JOURNAL

Now....

Here is the link to my fitday account:
http://fitday.com/fitness/PublicJournals.html?Owner=bellajane

And here are the last three journal entries from my fitday.com account:

July 16th, 2015
Day 1 of FODMAPs elimination diet. My body rumbled and grumbled starting shortly after lunch. I ate a huge pile of vegetables, and think I may become part rabbit by the end of six weeks. My stomach was upset much of the evening until I fell asleep about 3:30 AM. It was okay when I woke up the next morning.

Ate lunch of tuna mixed with mayo, rice crackers, tomatoes, cucumbers....stomach reacted poorly about 1.5 - 2 hours later.

Supper went okay.  Hopefully, everything will stay put.

July 17th, 2015
Day 2 of the FODMAPs elimination diet. My body hated it, and started to reject food shortly after lunch. This continued on until about 6 PM when I fell asleep exhausted. I have doubled the amount of veggies I normally eat, and think the two stalks of celery may be what caused the stomach upset as it is something I don't normally eat (all other foods were usual foods for me). I looked it up, and found it has a rather high insoluble fibre count. I have often said that celery is a waste of time to eat as it takes more calories to chew it than it puts in the body! Later... found celery listed on a list of okay to eat FODMAP foods, and it says to limit it to 5 cm. I ate 60 cm! No wonder I had issues (some foods are limited in quantity for FODMAPs). This is a good FODMAP friendly food list:
http://www.ibsdiets.org/fodmap-diet/fodmap-food-list/

July 18th, 2015
I am going to continue with the FODMAPs elimination diet but will eat more like I normally do only staying within the range of allowed foods. It is a hard diet to follow as the allowed foods are all over the place...there is no one way for me to remember what I can and cannot eat. My stomach is super upset this morning, I am hungry, and nervous to eat something in case it triggers another upset episode. Ah well...have to eat though so I best go do it :) As well, I weighed in this morning and have lost about 3 pounds in the last week.

It is Tuesday again. What is it with Tuesday and thinking?

Yup, it is Tuesday again. Yup, I have been thinking again. Yup, all about inspiration, motivation, relationships, friendships....the topic never changes. :)

A few days ago I found an old email I sent a friend a few years ago. He had verbally cornered me online one night in a chat room, hammering at me about why I was so afraid of success and why I wasn't doing anything with myself at that time. On later reflection of our conversation, I had written to him about the ending of a long term relationship, one which I had a lot of future plans tied into, and how after the ending of that relationship I just sort of tossed all my dreams and goals out the window and gave up on the notion of a future for awhile and how difficult it still was, years after the relationship ended, to get my dreams built up again. The email was easily from five years ago, and it is only this past New Years that I think I fully processed the impact the ending of that relationship had on me. Funny how it took 9 full years to process a relationship that only lasted about 2.5 years, and one that I denied to my friends about having many feelings for. At the time it happened, one of my close friends said about how she had more sorrow for my ex than for me because I had resources to process what I was going through, and he didn't. Kind of ironic that it has taken me 9 years to process him out of my life whereas he got married something like a year and a half after our relationship ended. I have no idea what has happened to him since then. Odd how someone can just drop out of your life. I wish him well in all that he does and hope that he is happy as he actually is a good man. And for myself, I am happy to say that I have been busy the last few years re-building and working on turning my dreams into reality.

I recently erred in regards to applying for a new position at work, having misunderstood some information. And yes, I beat myself up pretty bad for missing out on this but then, after a couple of days reflection, remembered what happened after the website timed out and lost my application for the job I now hold. As a result of the site crashing, I wound up staying in the city I lived in prior for an extra year or so, and was obviously meant to spend that extra time there. I experienced an awful lot, and grew within myself in that year, and am grateful for the extra time I got to spend near friends and family. I figure I am meant to stay at a lower level in my job now for the next couple of years as I probably have more developing to do, especially in regards to team work.

It is kind of odd how I spent the first 43 years of my life screaming and struggling for independence, to be an individual, and to be more of a leader. Now, here I am, trying to learn how to fit in, to work with a group, to be more considerate of other people and am, surprise surprise - LOVING THE CHALLENGE! I never ever thought I would want to work to be a part of a group, but am finding that I truly want to do this for my job. It probably helps that I enjoy doing things that are challenging. As well, I think I am comfortable confident enough in my own self and my abilities that it is okay now to blend in. This ties into not being in survival mode as well.

Last night I got thinking of survival mode and how hard it is to give it up after spending years waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. This comes, in part, from living a life of uncertainty at times. The last couple of years before finding this job were uncertain, and I was always having to be in survival mode for them as money was pretty tight most months. Even now, after ten years of having a regular, fairly decent pay cheque, I still sometimes feel like it is all going to vanish in an instant although, slowly, I am coming to terms with the fact that yes, it is regular, and yes, it is going to stay for awhile anyhow, and no, I don't have to be in survival mode right now in any way be it emotional, physical, or financial.

I truly don't feel like I need to be in survival mode here. As I mentioned a few lines back, I am quite comfortable with what and who I have become. As well, I have a good job, live in a pleasant home, and have no reason to always have to be on the watch for "something" to happen. Maybe I can finally, totally, let go and just be and not worry about anything for awhile. It feels rather liberating although odd at the same time since it has been quite some time since i have been able to do this, to just "let go" as it were. Maybe this is how a lot of folks live life, maybe this is what it is like to just simply be "normal" and to live an ordinary life. It feels good.

And, on that note, I am signing off. I have lots more dancing around in my head but want to move on with Tuesday, get supper ready, do some sewing, and spend a bit of time dreaming...

May peace be with you,

Louise

An Exhausted Tuesday Night

Tues Jan 19 2010

I am taking a course at work for the following six weeks, and it has a heavy focus on team work. Today, the teacher shared a great quote with us. The author is unknown.

". . .we have been trained to look for individual differences to stand out. So you look at each person; immediately it is 'brighter', 'dumber', 'older', 'younger', 'richer', 'poorer'.

We make these dimensional distinctions, put them in categories, treat them that way and we get so we only see others as separate from ourselves in the ways in which they are separate.

One of the dramatic characteristics of experience is being with another person and suddenly seeing the ways in which they are like you, not different from you. . ."

I think this course has come at a good time for me, it is just what I need right now. Synchronicity is happening again, and has been since New Years. One of the things I realized with reflecting on the emotional crash that happened in December, is that I spent a lot of the last year not only externally focused, but also focused more on myself than on other people. Yes, it is appropriate to have a healthy focus on yourself but this needs to be kept in focus, kept in balance, and for other people to be important too which is something I had been moving away from. Maybe it was a result of spending so much time alone this summer, of being so far away from the people I love, that contributed to it. I really have had to stand on my own two feet since being in Ottawa, and be incredibly independent, something I am kind of tired of doing, to be honest. Anyhow, the short line is that I need to become more focused on other people again and I truly think this course, with all the team work, is going to contribute to that happening again.

I am exhausted. Having really low iron is forcing me to slow down right now, and is giving me the time to be highly introspective again, something I have needed to be doing. I feel like I am moving through dough all the time, lethargic, peaceful feeling, slow. I am usually super high energy and I rather miss it. It is like I couldn't get revved up right now if I really wanted to! The downside to the low iron though is that I miss weight lifting. The slug of hauling a big chunk of metal up with loud music screaming in my ears, the feel of the old leather gloves on my hands, the tug on my muscles, the deep breathing, the getting hot, the endorphin rush, the meditative deep peaceful state, followed by my body telling me it is alive and I used it for the next few days while it repairs itself again. I love yoga too, but it does not have the same impact on me physically that weight lifting does. I bet Norm has no idea the joys he introduced me to in my twenties when he taught me how to lift weights!

Anyhow, back on topic. I think it is important, as MM always told me, to pay attention to other people. We are put in this world together, and that is how it has to work. I don't know how it is that I sometimes get wrapped up in my own head and shift away from this tenet. It is so simple; care about other people. I do love other people, and I care as well, but it seems like sometimes I just get shifted away from that, from the daily caring for other folks. I can hear Lucinda saying in my head too, about mindfulness, about keeping other people in our thoughts. I was upset about a friend's behaviour once, and she said to me too "she is only human" and that, too, is a phrase that often stands out with me. "She is only human."

I think this trails back to tolerance, and patience too. Acceptance. I often think of Bell Hooks essay on love too, and how we seek acceptance yet how when it is offered we are not always ready to accept it as it means simply being who and what we are, being naked per se, without a persona. I spent so much time and effort in my thirties working on accepting everyone for what they are - their true inner being - on caring for others, for speaking out for others, learning how to work with people who have been hurt and abused, people who are broken...how could I have moved away from something that has been so essential and something I believe in so deeply? How could I have moved away from the deep level of compassion and caring I used to have for folks, even total strangers? What happened? I have joked about my rose coloured glasses being chipped - right now I think I have just plain lost them! And it is time to find them and stick them on my face again, chips n' all.

There is all this talk about congruency, and about getting in touch with our true self. Why are folks so afraid of showing who and what they are? Why do so many of us, myself included, feel like we need to put forth a face, a mask, instead of letting folks see our real selves. People are more beautiful when they are covered in scars than when they are perfect. When I see someone covered in scars, physical or mental, then I know they have experienced life and they know what suffering and joy are, and I can respect that, I can embrace them.

I saw a film a couple of weeks ago called "The Shadow Effect" which was about embracing our dark side. Again, another moment of synchronicity. It is so important to acknowledge and accept this part of ourselves, no matter how bad we have been, we have to forgive, accept, and stop beating ourselves up over whatever we have done. (I keep using the figurative "we" but am talking about myself too.) Many times I think of the statement "and so it is" because sometimes that is all there is...things just are what they are regardless, what has happened has happened. We cannot change the occurrence of an event in the past, so may as well accept and embrace it, make amends where possible, and look to the future.

Since putting it out to the universe on New Years, that I am giving away old emotions for a couple of the ex-files and making room for new feelings, to embrace the change that comes with that, I have been feeling lighter, better in my heart. I think I was carrying around emotional junk that I wasn't even aware of having! Since then, since releasing the betrayal I felt for one, and the feelings I had for another, and have felt free to move again, not so bogged down emotionally.

I sometimes get visions when meditating, and had the vision of pure love cascading out of my chest the other night. Wave after wave of peace and pink and hearts came pouring out of me. My spine was silver, to show strength, and my heart overflowed with love. And I felt peace.

May peace be with you as well.

xxo

Reactivation

jan 17, 2010

reactivation

i think it is time to reactivate my old blog as i have been doing oodles of thinking about relationships lately, and am still pondering monogamy, intimacy, fears, desires, dreams, and traditional/non-traditional relationships. it is time to write again...it is time.

i am in a new city, have met new people, and have been trying to forge new relationships, both intimate and non-intimate. some are going okay and, well...

a couple of months ago, i met someone i really liked, and had this notion that i could date one-on-one. HA! needless to say, i did not do well with it. i have not dated one-on-one with someone for nine years and am totally not used to it. i felt oodles of insecurity (a new sensation), jealousy (a rare feeling), had old emotions triggered by the holidays, and totally self-destructed everything with him within the period of two weeks. i regretted what happened within moments of saying i didn't want to date anymore, wish i could turn back time, and undo the last week of december and the first week of january. but...i cannot undo time, and so the best i can do is to think positive, hand everything over to the angels, the goddess and the god, see this as a huge wake up call to spend some time on internal work again, and to return to a sense of peace once more - all of which i have been successful at doing so far.

the last year has been spent being focused on the external world to the exclusion of the internal: getting ahead, starting a new job, working in a "professional" work environment, having a focus on finances, moving twice (i loathe moving), getting rid of 50% of everything i owned, trying to find new folks to hang out with, not liking my current apartment so staying away about as much as possible, and missing my friends and family folks like crazy. i have not made much time to go within and stay in touch with my heart. in the past, and for much of the last fifteen years, i have spent a lot of time meditating, writing, drawing a bit, playing guitar, and just plain ruminating...and i have done almost none of that since the move here 8 months ago, and my soul is suffering from it, i am suffering from it. as well, it is time for me to be honest with myself about whether i am capable of, and want, a one-on-one relationship or if i am happier with the patchwork\multiples relationship style i have had the last few years. i desire a monogamous relationship but what am i truly capable of giving, what am i capable of being in? do i even believe in a monogamous one-on-one lifetime relationship anymore? i am starting to wonder why i keep striving for this ideal when it doesn't fit me well, and i haven't managed to do it in almost a decade and even in my teens and twenties it was hard! it is rather like the saying, "stupid is doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results."

aside from the emotional melt down the last month, i have been totally stable and fairly happy in most areas of my life since my old writings here. currently i feel mostly happy, content, and extremely grateful for having a job. early last year, i really got down on myself about not having a full time professional job for so long (over 10 years), but that has totally dissipated since having the job here. i got back to the gym doing weight lifting and yoga, and lost about 25/30 lbs. as well, i quit eating sugar and wheat 2 years ago this coming March, and it is one of the best things that i ever did for myself physically, emotionally, and mentally. i got into a heavy sugar binge just before the holidays this year, which greatly contributed to me being so intensely emotional. i have learned from this, big time. no more sugar for me as it truly is toxic physically and mentally and realize that i have to quit sugar like i quit smoking - zero options and say good bye in my heart.

okay...i am WAY past my bed time and must trundle off...

may peace be with you,
lou
xxo

as a side note... my old writings on this blog are heavily edited at this time and most of the comments are lost. if you want to read the entire blog original blog, please write to me and there is a chance i may share it. :)

relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness

Dec 3, 2009 (slightly edited post from another message board)

relationships, monogamy, partnerships, friendships, faithfulness

Yup that is a big title. I am writing here to try to work through my thoughts on where I stand with all this stuff. I know I am ready for a relationship, but I do not know what I want as an outcome of that relationship. I would like to put it out there, and to find out what you guys think of this as well.

It seems like many of the men I meet do not want to date one on one (later note - in talking with a gf who is also dating, she told me that all the men she meets just want to have a single relationship so maybe I just attract men who don't want one on one situations). They almost all want to date numerous people at the same time although some will agree to physical monogamy if the situation turns physically intimate. I have met people in open marriages, and know of couples who have had affairs and worked things out. I think almost all of my close friends have left their original partner at this time, and are divorced if they ever were married. The only people I know who are still married to their original partner are usually older. Many people seem to have been divorced at least once. And those folks who are married often seem incredibly unhappy or bored with their lives after having been married for a few years.

So, all of that stuff I spouted off up there kinda makes me wonder if there is any point in me trying to find one person to have a long term relationship with. Is it worth while to do that? Am I better off to just keep my emotional attachments for my girlfriends and the odd male friend? I get all my support from my girlfriends to the point that I don't even know if I really need an intimate relationship with another person. I still don't know what I ultimately want from dating. I know that, right now, I want to be someone's girlfriend, for them to be proud of me, and want to go places together, and for us to develop a deeper more meaningful emotional relationship. But where would it go? I am not talking specific to anyone I have dated recently, I am talking about any man....where would it all go? I don't even know if I believe in being with someone forever, or if I believe in marriage.

I am open to many forms relationships. I am open to forging a relationship with one person, getting to a deeper emotional level, and know that I could have other folks involved with it. Yup, I just said the big no no - an open style relationship - but that I would need to forge a strong emotional bond and trust for that to happen. I know I could date a couple too, be them ss or whatever, and could be okay with a 3 way relationship. Yup, I know....it all sounds different, but I am open-minded toward it because my success rate with a regular monogamous one-on-one, be it live apart, live in, or engaged, relationships have not worked, and I know very few people in long term traditional relationships who are really happy.

So this much said, I know that I am probably, ultimately, leaning towards a non-monogamous relationship, yet I feel like I just want to be the only person at the very start of something yet realize that I could probably open it up later on, after some time has passed. And this kind of thinking is not overly congruent.

I am also starting to wonder whether monogamy is just a thing of the past....or maybe it is just a reflection of my generation. Serial monogamy seems to be the norm, with "monogamy" growing looser as folks age, and fewer folks wanting to date one-on-one. Many folks my age grew up in divorced homes, the first heavy round of divorces here in Canada, and I wonder if that is what has shattered many people from my generations belief in traditional monogamy. We were raised with the societal ideals of traditional monogamy and with the hopes of finding one person who we would be with forever, our grandparents did this.....but many of our parents did not. I was also born during the sexual revolution, and came of age in a time when folks were exploring open relationships and free love and I cannot help but wonder if that tinted my thinking about relationships as well. And, on top of it all, I have studied this topic a lot at school, and read a fair amount on it outside of school, and still continue to come to the conclusion that maybe a monogamous life time relationship is just an almost unachievable ideal.

When I was in college I used to think about gender based communities, about women living in one place, and men living in another place, and coming together in the middle....but then that wouldn't work because it would exclude so many people. And abolishing relationships all together would not work either. There is no one answer. So I am left thinking of what I really want, what my goals are.

In order to achieve a goal, the goal must be set. I give lip service to wanting to find a partner, but is this what I truly want to find? I sometimes wonder if my standards have gotten too high in the face of what is the reality of the folks I meet, or if maybe their standards are unachievable too. I do know that I am fragile in my heart, and feel vulnerable when I start to care for someone, and know that many other people feel the same way too. Some folks have simply turned their emotions off, refusing to allow them room to grow.

Maybe instead of learning from past mistakes, I have grown more afraid of failure. Perhaps this is part of it. I don't know, it is just a thought. I do know that, ever since I was young, I spoke out against getting married, about having a family, about forging a life long connection with one other person. And yet I tried to do so more than once, and almost did get married at one time, and sometimes wonder if maybe I should have given birth at some point in there too. Incidentally, I just briefly glanced at some stats yesterday and saw that women giving birth in their 40's is on the rise....so maybe there is hope for me yet. In a couple of years I may actually be able to afford a baby on my own. It is something to think about.

I joke around a lot about taking on a string of lovers, and maybe that is the actual reality I face, the actual future that lies in store for me. It could be scintillating, it could be fun. I enjoy people so very much, and am always open to something new. But, that much said, I also long for a monogamy of sorts, of forging a bond with one person in there some where but I cannot say for how long it would last. Should I start writing up contracts? How is this sort of situation negotiated or figured out? I will love you for a year and a day, and at the end of that we can re-negotiate. How could a couple ever make plans for long term financial investments in that sort of situation?! It means that I would always be making plans for myself and myself alone, and that seems incredibly self centered when I would like to share part of my life with someone else.

Maybe I have been single too long, or maybe my thinking is growing too liberal as I am aging. I sometimes think I am too wild for the conservative guys, yet too conservative for the liberal guys. Maybe I need to try to find someone who is moderate. But is that truly possible? Is there anyone else out there who is as confused about this as I am?

Anyhow, the gym is calling so I must move onwards with my evening. I have probably written too much here, or maybe I have not written enough. And I may be back to write some more. Please feel free to add your thoughts, I am interested in what you have to say....

xxo
Lou

Changing Times

I think my time of using this has a place to process relationships is at a standstill, and has been for mostly over a year now. At the time, I really needed to write and to be read. Now, I don't seem to need that anymore. Times change, people change, and it is now my time to move on. Maybe some day I will actively write here again. In the meantime, it is back to the real world for me.

May you know peace.

:)
Lou

Great People Day

It is family day today in Southwestern Ontario. Yup, another day to celebrate the sanctity of the family unit. I guess it is in case all the step-moms 'n dads feel left out, all the aunts, the uncles, and the in-laws. Personally, I would rather celebrate great people and leave all the family stuff to Mother's Day and Father's Day maybe just changing their clauses to include extended family and step-folks.

I realized tonight when washing the dishes and thinking that there are not many holiday days of the year that I can actually celebrate. I am a single, British born (now Canadian), non-reproduced, non-military, non-Christian, equalist, earth based belief system woman without a biological mother or father. Lets see...holidays...

Mother's and Father's days - self explanatory (although I do think of my family folks for these times). No biological parents, no kids. Forced celebrations regardless of family status. I always feel bad for those kids at school who do not have parents who have to face all the hubub to do with these holidays. I think it is going to be equally as bad to have Family Day. But I digress...back to the topic at hand.

Canada Day - although I have lived here most of my life, I never became Canadian until about 3 years ago. Ok, Ok...hahaha :) I have always celebrated it because Canada is my home, England holds my roots. But still....point made...I have only been Canadian for the last three years and, thus, can technically celebrate the holiday.

Valentine's Day - I am single. Now, mind you, I often have celebrated this day as being for love in general but it really is aimed at couples and, if you aren't part of a couple, it sure can make you feel like you have something wrong with you. The lore behind this holiday is interesting as well, and it is worth a visit to Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day

St. Patrick's Day - uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Yup. I am going to celebrate a Christian man who went around converting the Pagans. I believe in freedom of choice when it comes to religion, and do not support "converting" people at all. I think that is wrong and that folks should be able to make up their own minds. I also think it ironic that the day is celebrating by drinking green beer...

Easter and Christmas are Christian holidays. I do celebrate Christmas, but not as the birth of Christ...rather I see it as a time to spend with friends and special folks celebrating the dark time of the year and welcoming back the sun. Yup...I tend to bring in my earthy beliefs.

Remembrance Day. Now, I have to confess, I do not celebrate this day as I do not support war. However, that much said, I do think that this particular day is important to honour the folk who have died for the sake of peace. I haven't quite made up my mind as to what I actually think of this day. I think it safe to say that, at this time, I am torn and straddle the fence.

Now, there is a day I do celebrate...I do celebrate International Women's Day. However, I think it unbalanced in that we do not have an International Man's Day and, since I really do support equality, I think that men should have a special day as well...and I would celebrate that day too. I also support the December 6th Memorial Day which is marking violence against women everywhere. I think it is important to remember that woman abuse is still a very strong part of our social fabric, and that it is wrong to abuse anyone.

I enjoy Thanksgiving as well, and do celebrate it. I look at it as the abundance of the harvest, a time to start settling into the home for the winter, and a time to re-connect with people. I do not like the American way of celebrating the Pilgrims though as that was the destruction of another race of people and I do not see it proper to celebrate that aspect.

I actually do enjoy spending special time for many of these holidays, even though they don't actually call to me personally. I love getting together with family folks, and I love spending time with friends. I can honour the fallen, and can celebrate what is yet to come. I can celebrate in general and just put my own personal spin onto the celebration days at hand. And...that much said...I am going to close my rant on Family Day and spend some time thinking about the special folks in my life.

Peace be with you on this holiday. May you be loved somewhere by someone, and have the ability to celebrate your own specialness.

lou

self worth and tolerance applied to intimate relationships and branching out to family, friends, work, and object ownership blatherings and thoughts

I actually wrote this a couple of days ago in my fb journal. Tonight, I got thinking and figured it should be here as well.

When I was housebound at the start of January, a friend loaned me the movie, “The Joy Luck Club.” I watched it, then watched it again, and watched it one more time. Three weeks later, I am still thinking. It just won’t go away.

Briefly, the film is about a group of four women who emigrated from China to the States, their lives, the lives of their daughters, the similarities, the differences, the hopes, dreams, and lessons that are to be learned from each life. The part that has captured me is the notion of what you are worth. I keep pondering this.

In the movie, it is strictly about what a woman is worth in regards to her relationship with a man. What is she willing to sacrifice from herself? What is she willing to settle for? According to the premise of the movie, the value a woman places on herself is the value she will be given in an intimate relationship.

I see this as a lesson that can go beyond an intimate relationship. Self worth is something that influences friendships and family dynamics. Work can be influenced by what one is willing to settle for too. Then I got to thinking about houses, and the miscellaneous stuff that we surround ourselves with and what we settle for and self worth. Then I think of self esteem and how buying objects can be done to replace a lack of sense of self, and yet I know that there has to be a sense of self worth in order to buy the self an object at all. The picture keeps growing bigger. But to return to the original thought . . .

Relationships. Why is it that a person is able to give so much of themselves away in a particular relationship with a particular person yet, at the same time, have no tolerance for the same behaviours from anyone else? We have various levels of tolerance for various folks in our lives. This is seen in how we react to children, the frail, people with challenges in their lives; most folks show more patience and understanding towards these people. Parents are probably far more tolerant of their children’s behaviour than most other people would be. We have more understanding when someone is faced with a hardship, or is ill, or is going through something. But why is it, overall, that people are able to have such high levels of tolerance for someone’s negative behaviour that they wouldn’t accept from someone else, if there was not a viable explanation for the behaviour? Does it stem from self worth? Does it stem from love? Unconditional love? Is there really such a thing as unconditional love? Okay, that is another topic all together… I digress.

Is tolerating a singular person’s negative behaviour while having no tolerance in someone else showing similar actions without a viable cause a reflection of self esteem in an intimate relationship, or is it a reflection of love and caring? I think in order to love someone else that a person has to be capable of loving themselves first. Loving the self is a huge part of self esteem, self worth and self respect. If a person doesn’t love themselves it is hard to provide themselves with comfort and caring, let alone be able to set higher standards for relationship expectations.

Now, that much said, what about if a person is escaping into an intimate relationship in order to avoid delving too deep into themselves? That could happen as well. Hmmm. Aha…that would be more of an obsession than a love though. Okay, so the ability to love another stems from being able to love the self. Now back to the thought of when someone tolerates behaviours in a person they love that they would not tolerate in someone else, even though they may have love for that person too. Why is there a difference in the levels of tolerance? Could it be biological? It has been shown (and no I am not going to go dig out the research right now, and yes I am just blathering off the top of my head, and yes I am still thinking of the article I skimmed in Time Magazine last week on relationships and chemical attraction, and yes thinking of various courses I have taken and books I have read), that people are attracted to other people on the basis of smell, what they see, pheromones and chemicals. We have the theory of evolution – we are driven to reproduce with people we are biologically compatible with. So is does this play a role in it? Is it because we have met the person who is most biologically compatible with us which gives us reason to tolerate their negative behaviours? Incidentally, a side note from the Time Magazine article, I thought it interesting that a couple could be attracted to one another, fall in love, get married, yet when the woman went off the birth control pills she had been on all through the relationship they lost their attraction. There may be more chemical attraction at play than what many of us would care to admit as we embrace freedom of choice.

So maybe that is part of it - that we are destined through chemical attraction to love this person and, thus, will tolerate the poor behaviour. But this still doesn’t explain the foundation of the poor behaviour and that needs to be explained as well for this to be a cohesive thought. And why would the tolerating person be tolerating so much in the first place if they truly loved themselves? If one person is tolerating then the other person is acting, one is giving away ones values that they apply to other people and it causes me to wonder what the other person is doing. This cannot be considered simply from the side of the person doing the tolerating; it needs to be more balanced…there always has to be balance. Are they giving away their values as well by performing the behaviour? Do they perform this behaviour with all other people or just this select one person? Do they love the other person as well? When does tolerance become too much tolerance and move from the realm of understanding into the realm of self harm. Definitions are needed. Balance. More pondering is needed. Maybe once I can get through the thought process of understanding the foundations of tolerance, love, and self worth as used in the movie, I can carry on and apply it towards the other areas I have been thinking of…family, friends, work, and ownership. To start though, I have to understand intimate relationships, self worth, and tolerance.

**sighs**

Damned movie.

large life lesson

Friday, November 02, 2007

large life lesson

i learned a large life lesson today, one i hope that i will never forget.

there was a woman who used to live in the basement bachelor apartment in the same building as i live in. she had a lot of cats, and used to feed all the birds and squirrels. she used to watch what everyone did, and talked to anyone who would listen. a number of things happened, she drove me nuts, and i called her the mad cat woman. i consciously chose not to pay her any attention, nor to be her friend.

i received a call today from a mutual friend who had stayed in touch with her after she moved into a house. my friend had not heard from the mad cat woman in over a week and, knowing she was sick, went to her house and broke in through the bathroom window. she found her upstairs in her bed, she had been dead for a week.

i think it is so sad that she died alone, and that it took a week for it to be noticed that she was gone. i had the power to have been her friend, to be someone in her network, and to watch out for her. i was given the opportunity to do good in this world, and i chose not to. i was wrong, and i should have given a damn, and should have contributed good rather than turning my back on someone who was lonely, and who could have done with my friendship.

i preach so much about being good to other people, about being there for them, and about how we are all in this world together so have to help one another. yet i was a hypocrite with this, and i turned my back on someone. that was wrong of me to have done that.

so today, i learned a large life lesson. when the opportunity is presented to me to do some good in this world, i am not going to turn it down. i will contribute what i can, where i can, and when i am able to instead of choosing to turn my back.

in this case, it is too late for me to say i am sorry to her, and it is too late to be her friend...but it is not too late for me to learn from my mistake.

lou

And so it is...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

And so it is...

And so it is...

i feel peace inside in regards to my past. finally. i can understand why i spent so many years feeling fragmented. i had to fragment myself in order to survive everything i went through. i never split up, and i never became a multiple personality...i simply fragmented instead putting parts of me away and into boxes so i wouldnt fall apart. those pieces are together now, and the story has a linear motion to it instead of being spread around all over my being. i can think back, and know what happened and in which order, something i couldnt do before. i was not able to think of my teenage years in totality. every time i tried to, i would overload and the emotions would be too much to go through.

i do not want to discuss what happened in each event that took place, i just want to look at it as a whole. the individual occurrences dont matter so much to me, it is the resulting damage i have dealt with that matters. it is like "yes, that happened, i acknowledge it, it was awful, and it is over. i have been hurt, and i have survived. i am a good person today, and today is what matters most. those things are in the past, and are done."

i lost my childhood fast, and in a tragic way. yes, that is true. my mother was awful, that too is true. the adults around at that time chose not to see what was going on, and i met a lot of real bad men. this doesnt mean that all men are bad, nor are all mothers. this simply means that the people around me at that time were not very good nor observant. i wasnt taken care of properly when i needed to be. there are no excuses for what happened, and nothing to say that any of it was okay. it was wrong, it was bad, but it happened and is over now.

i still have not cried much beyond a dozen tears for what happened to me. i dont feel as though i need to. i think i have spent countless years being depressed, sad and frustrated over this, without knowing why i felt so much unrest in my soul. now i know the cause of the unrest. and am feeling more settled. i think peace is what is important to me now. i have already cried enough.

and so this is what has happened. i am a good person today. i am not promiscuous, and i am not usually mean hearted. i work hard to stay a good person and to keep my belief in humanity. i work hard not to become bitter inside. it would be so easy to hate the world, and to bear a grudge against everyone and everything that this happened to me. its not worth it though, being angry doesnt bring me peace, and i need peace.

i know that everything that is given out in life comes back, so it is not of my concern as to what happens/happened to those men. they have to live with what they have done, and it will come back to haunt them. it is seldom that we deeply hurt another being and not have it come back to haunt us. justice will prevail in time, i know that it will. i only have to think of the life my mother leads now to know that everything we put out comes back to us threefold.

i know that some day i will meet someone, i have no doubt about that. i am in no rush either. overall, i have a pretty good life alone and dont need someone to complete me. i dont feel so complicated anymore. i also do not relish the idea of ever having to tell someone all this mess either though, it is a lot to tell someone who doesnt really know me. the real life guy knew almost nothing of any of my history, the online guy knew just a bit more. neither of them ever knew the full story, and i dont know if i ever would have told them.

i know that if i am to ever have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone, that i will have to face telling them the truth. **sighs** maybe that will be a sign that it is okay, i will be able to tell my story to the man i am to love. i used to talk more to my boyfriends when i was younger, today i keep more inside. funny how i can type it all out for anyone to read, yet i cant talk to a man one on one about it. i am sure that that will change some day. i know that i will have to talk openly to a man about it, and am sure i will when the time is right. maybe i will just send them to my blog instead.

i understand more how it is that i came to care for the online guy. it is still hard for me to let go of him, and i still miss him after it being more than three months that we talked last. i still miss the real life guy too, more than i care to admit, and it has been eight months. i actually miss him more than the online guy as he was in the real world with me and the other guy has always been somewhat removed. both of these were safe men for me as neither was capable of giving himself to me. it doesnt mean that i loved them any less though. i fell for the real life guy the first time i met him, it hit me hard, and makes me believe that there is love at first sight. i fell in love with the online guy slowly over time, always yearning for what i could not have. i know that, in time, i will stop thinking of either one of these men, and will let go. it is actually pretty positive that i am able to love at all, given what i have gone through in life.

i finally cried over the online guy tonight, and am starting to let him go. i have to. it is time. i am feeling like the connection is severed now anyhow, and has been for some time. he is gone, and isnt coming back. i need to accept this.

i still feel like the real life guy is around some place in the background. i dont feel like our time together is done. this is my gut feeling, not my logic. logic says he is long gone, instinct tells me he isnt and there is still a connection of sorts. my connection with the online guy is broken, the real life guy remains.

i am cold. the summer heat left a couple of days ago, and the house is cold. i am going to go put some warm clothes on, and make hot chocolate. i have worked piling up around me, and should tackle a few more hours before sleep.

hot chocolate and warm clothes, that is what will make me happy tonight. it is the small things in life that are important.

and so it is...



*****
jan 16, 2010

as a later note to this posting...

i wound up seeing the real life guy again after 9 months of not dating, and we were involved for almost another year. i finally told him i loved him after 2.5 years of knowing him, it literally took that long for me to feel "safe" with him, only to have the relationship end after doing this. i still don't understand why we didn't have a full relationship as we had almost everything in common beside his gross materialism and wealth and my lack of social status - we laughed, talked, hung out, etc and even our last time together was great with oodles of chemistry and interaction. since everything ended, even though i still feel he is in the background somewhere, i have emotionally let him go and just simply hope he is happy, and am content knowing that the time we shared was good. as well, we have zero communication these days, which is for the best at this time.

untold stories

 Wednesday, August 01, 2007

untold stories 

07/31/07 

When I was a little girl

I used to dance

I played with my friends

After school

When I was a little girl

I used to dance

I read lots of books

In a cherry tree

When I was a little girl

I used to dance

I spoke to the trees

And to the plants

When I was a little girl

I used to dance

Then one 

Day

It.

All.

Changed.

We left my step-dad.

And my life became worse than it had ever been.

I came home from school

One afternoon

Found my mother upstairs

Almost dead

I was frightened and scared

And no adult was there

I called to the bar

For my step-dad

I loved him, and he was good to me.

I missed him, I never wanted to leave him, and my mother made me leave with her.

He came big and strong

To help with my mom

An ambulance came

She was gone

My world it turned black

No light entered in

I started to forget how to

Dance with my friends

The memories are gone

No reminder remaining

But a hole in my heart

Was unfilled

My life was unsure

And safety was none

And so came the start of

My song

A man she met

And moved us in

Four weeks later his wrath

We endured

I think I was outside

Watching from inside

He smashed on the walls

Of our home

Frightened and scared

With no place to run

My new home life

Had begun

He had a big dog

Black, with trusting brown eyes

Two feet tall

With long ears

He fed him a beer

Held his head to pour it in

The big beautiful dog

Fell down

The man laughed so hard

Thought it humour and fun

My heart broke inside

For the dog

A few weeks later

I was sleeping on the floor

My mom and that man

Down the hall

Tiger was his name

And sex was his game

He found me sleeping

There

I was very young

And he was twice my age

Fifteen feet away

No one cared

I learned to drink

And to do drugs at home

Believing they were the right

Things to do

Violence was normal

Safety was none

And no one watched out

For me

I cut my hand open

Blood running down

Went into the house

For some help

Company was over

The party going strong

And nobody noticed

Me bleed

One night he was angry

And smashed a car window with wood

Trying to attack my

Mom

I tried to defend her and was

Dragged back in the house and was

Beaten with a coat hanger in a closet by

Their friend

I slept on the floor

With the dirt and the dust

An old blanket was

My bed

He came home one night

And stood over me

Took out his penis

And “peed”

And nobody knew

And nobody cared

For the little girl

Who was me

We found a new town

And an old dirty house

The ceiling was falling

Down

My life it grew worse

And violence was a curse

I was rolled in a ball and

Was thrown

One day he was sweeping

All through the room

I said something rude and

Wore the broom

The fights were so bad

And home was unsafe

I ran in the snow with

No shoes

A man found me cold

And offered a ride

The local drug dealer

He was tough

He got me safe and warm

And wiped away my tears

And was the kindest man who

I met

A fight on the stairs

Lighting was dim

My mother was yelling

At me

I left.

But my body remained.

Three.

Feet.

Away.

And I watched.

And stopped feeling any pain.

After school one day

The man came onto me

Stuck his tongue down my throat

And I don’t know anymore

The time is black

No reminders remain

The story locked deep

Inside me

I cut a hole in my leg with a razor blade to see if I could feel.

I stopped eating my food

And became really thin

Thinking to vanish

Away

I spent days in my bed

Alone with no food

And death entered in and 

Spoke to me

I became unafraid to die.

A drive down the road

I was taken in

But the doctor he never

Rescued me

I stood on the steps

In the falling snow

Watched the man beat his dog

With his boots

Smeared with food on my neck

From a very bad fight

I ran to my friends to

Get away

I saw my friends homes

Peaceful and warm

With no holes in the floor

Underneath

No bruises and blood

No beer and no pot

No cigarettes

No sex

They seemed so safe.

And I knew that there was more

And a better life for me

So I asked to be taken

Away

And they took me.

My foster home was okay

In the country I lived

Thinking all was safe for

Awhile

The third time was there

He was twice my age

And nobody rescued

Me

People all around

Yet no one heard

No one came into

The room

And I tried to kill myself.

And was moved to a different house.

Holy Jesus Christ, our Savior he

Will come and he will rescue you

Repent

Repent

Repent

And the lord will come and take you

On judgment day

Repent

Repent.

And they sent me away to

A new place

To make me

“better”

And I grew worse.

And I forgot about dancing

Sex and smoking and

“Jeanie is Crying”

And I built my land of

Cherries

I ran away and wound up with bikers

I ran away and lived on the street

And in the train station

In Toronto

And they locked me up and

Shot me full of sedatives and

They took my clothes 

Away

And left me

Naked

On the

Floor

With a plastic covered

Mattress in a

Cold room with

Steel bars

And steel mesh and

They

Observed

Me

As I ripped the 

Flesh

From my hands

Trying to

Punch.

My.

Way.

Out.

They left me in

The dark

Alone

Terrified

The scars on my hands fade with time.

And this

Was to make

Me

“Better”

Man number four got me there

no one was looking no one watched

And no one knew

At all

He had bright blue eyes

I stopped crying

I hypnotized away the pain

Left my body and went

Far away

And I knew in my heart

I really was

Really and truly was

Alone

And nobody heard and nobody came and nobody rescued me

I learned not to love, not to remember, that nowhere was safe, and 

That sex could buy me a bed so I could sleep in the warmth off the street

Fifteen to eighteen months later

I didn’t go to school

And I didn’t dance with my friends

Anymore

I lost my tree 

I lost the books

I lost the plants

I lost me

I was not a little girl 

Anymore

I was thirteen

Maybe fourteen

My innocence and childhood were gone.

I will wrap my poppet warm tonight. She represents myself, my lost self, my lost dance. She has eyes of lapis lazuli to see the truth, to speak from within. Her mouth is red and she smiles. She is me.

I have candles burning. Blood red for life; blue for the west, for water, for emotion, for healing. Perfumed smoke fills the air to purify and cleanse.

I am whole.

I am here.

I am alive.

I am not afraid to live.

And I am not afraid to die.

My life is a gift and

I am a lucky woman

To be here

At all

I still cannot cry but the story is out now.

By the age of fifteen, I was sexually assaulted three more times by three other men. Of the seven men, only two were my own age. The other five men were two to four times older than me. My mothers boyfriend most likely sexually assaulted me, he definitely sexually assaulted my sister. He probably masturbated rather than peed on me when I lay curled up on the floor in a blanket. I don’t know how many more sexual assaults there may have been, or how many men gave me a place to sleep in exchange for sex. Because of trading sex, I never had to sleep on the streets although I ran away a lot. The same men also fed me. I think most of those men were in their late teens or early twenties. There are black holes in my memory from thirteen until fifteen, maybe sixteen. I think I lost most of that time.

Late in that time period, my boyfriend’s family reached out for me and I grasped on tight. That is why I am here today. They taught me “home,” they taught me “me.” I will always be thankful more than anyone could ever know. They did not then, and even now, know all these stories. At the time, my boyfriend did not know some of what happened because I could not tell him even though some of that took place when I was with him.

The stories have not been told together until today. I am forty one years old. It has taken me about twenty five years to tell the unspoken complete story of my early teenage years. The stories started with leaving my step-dad, and ended when I was around thirteen to fourteen years old. I don’t remember much violence after that time period. By the age of sixteen, I had my own apartment and there were no more sexual assaults in my life. For the first time in years, I was finally safe.

lou