East Street

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

east street 

i used to live in a house on east street.  it wasnt quite a real house, just sort of a house.  it had a backyard, yet the front door opened right on the sidewalk in the middle of the little town i was living in.  it was an odd location.  big place, 3 bedrooms, living room, dining room, kitchen, laundry.  the bathroom was one of the sunniest bathrooms i ever remember seeing, and i really liked it.

my mom had just left my step dad, and i was in grade 7.  we had hardly any furniture at that time, but it was a vast improvement over the motel we had been staying in.  it got cold in that house, and water froze in the glass in my bedroom.  sometimes we didnt have any electricity either as my mom didnt always pay the bill.  still, it was our home at that time.

sometimes my friends would come over after school, and we would dance to the sound track from grease, and dream that we were sandy.  i liked sandy so much that i even wore my hair up in barrettes just to be like her.  we used to dance to disco too.

i actually dont have many memories in that house.  there is a picture some place of my mom looking scared and serious holding up some toy she made in front of a christmas tree, and a picture of my stepdad holding me by the scruff of my neck while i am laughing in my bedroom.  i had stuck photos all over the wall with tape, and had some old blue flowered sheer curtains tied up with string.  an afghan and a doll are on my bed, and the room is a putrid peach colour.  i dont think there are any other pictures from that house.  and i cant remember much that happened there.

i came home from school one day, and heard a crashing on the ceiling as i sat on the couch.  there were thumping sounds coming down.  i went up and found my mom in bed.  she could hardly speak but told me to go call my step dad at the legion where he was drinking with his friends.  i called him and told him to come over, which he did.  the legion was only a block away so he got there fast.  he called an ambulance, and the last thing i remember seeing was my mom on a stretcher being wheeled out of the house.  she didnt come back.  i dont know how long she was gone, and i dont know who looked after us.  i dont know if we went some place.  i have no memories of this time.  i know that she would have been gone for at least a month.  she had been sent to the local psych hospital as she had attempted suicide, and they kept her there for awhile.  after she had left the house, i went and looked around in her bedroom.  i remember finding pills and alcohol beside the bed, and a joint in the ashtray.  i dont remember feeling any emotions.  it is like that memory is just simply a tape that doesnt elicit any emotion, and i am missing most of the tape.  i just have this one scene of my mom trying to kill herself, a vague memory of dancing with my friends, and the layout of the house.

when my mom got out of the psych hospital, she had a boyfriend she had met there.  we moved in with him really fast, my sister and i being put in this tiny room in a mobile home.  the place was filthy.  i dont know how long it was before he became violent.  i dont remember any happy times at the mobile.  it was all dirty, unhappy, lots of drinking, people around, fish, and fighting.  the quality of my life went down so fast there.  i had little attention from my mom before.  in that house, i had none.  i was still in grade 7.

i cut my thumb real bad while filleting fish in the driveway.  i went in the house to get some help from someone.  everyone was so drunk, that no one helped me.  i had blood pouring down my hand.  i still have a scar from it.  i finally went to my friends house just down the road.  her mom cleaned my thumb up.  how could all those adults have ignored a kid with a bleeding thumb? i still dont understand.

i only hate one person in this entire world, and that is the man who my mom moved us in with when she got out of the psych hospital.  in all the years she lived with him, over ten, she never knew why he had been interred at the hospital.  turned out that he had sat in front of his ex-wife's house with a loaded shot gun pointed at her door.  he had sat there for ages before they took him away.  he was banned from owning guns because of that, and had to spend time in the psych hospital.  she never knew this until i was in my twenties.  and this is the man she trusted with herself and with her children.

my mom stood up for this man the entire time she was with him.  she always said i was lying when i tried to tell her what happened with him when she wasnt at home.  she said that i instigated everything, and that it was my fault that he was violent with her.  everything was blamed on me.  i was a kid, maybe 12 years old.  how could i instigate so much damage? i used to protest my innocence with her, but she never believed me.  by grade 8 we were living in a new city, in another house.  

that house was so run down.  there were holes in the floor in the kitchen so you had to be careful stuff didnt go into the basement.  the living room ceiling partly fell down from under the tub, and i dont think anyone ever fixed it.  there was just this huge spot with wood showing through.  that house was real dirty too.  everything was dirty when i was a kid.  my mom never really cleaned anything, nor did laundry.  she told me to go do it on my own once when i said about washing clothes.  how she expected me to go do it is beyond my thinking.

anyhow, i am not writing about that house.  i was writing about east street.  it is easy to get pulled down the road along to the different houses at times.  i just want to focus in on east street.

i liked my friends there.  i dont remember exactly who i hung out with, or what we did, i just have a great sense of happiness when i think of them.  and i remember dancing.  and i remember sunshine in the bathroom.  those are the good things, and what i choose to remember the most.  

looking back, it was a pretty big time of transitions for me.  we left the man who i loved dearly, my step father.  i didnt want to leave him.  i remember my mom screaming at me in the driveway that i had to go with her, and i didnt want to leave.  i loved him a lot.  my mom said later how he would come to east street and bring food.  he would eat and put the leftovers in the fridge, but we were not allowed to eat them.  i dont remember this at all.  that is just one of my moms stories.  i had to change schools when we moved and, at that age, i am sure that i must have been going through physical changes as well.

anyhow, i better get moving on with the day.  i am in a good mood today, feeling happy.  the sun is out, and it is a good day to be alive.  i am thankful that i dont live on east street and am thankful i dont live in that town.

i am wandering back to the sunshine of today...

:)

lou

 

"Tamburitza Lingua"

Monday, May 28, 2007

"Tamburitza Lingua" (ani difranco)

a cold and porcelain lonely
in an old new york hotel
a stranger to a city
that she used to know so well
bathing in a bathroom
that is bathed in the first blue light
of the beginning of a century
at the end of an endless night

then she is wet behind the ears and wafting down the avenue
pre-rush hour
post-rain shower
stillness seeping upwards like steam
from another molten sewer
summer in new york

they've been spraying us with chemicals in our sleep
us / they
something about the mosquitoes having some kind of disease
them / me
CIA foul play
if you ask the guy selling hair dryers out of a gym bag
chemical warfare
"i'm telling you, lab rat to lab rat," he says, "that's where the truth is at"
that's where the truth is at
that's where the truth is at

and everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can
but one breath at a time is an acceptable plan
she tells herself
and the air is still there
and this morning it's even breathable
and for a second the relief is unbelievable
and she's a heavy sack of flour sifted
her burden lifted
she's full of clean wind for one lean moment
and then she's trapped again
reverted
caged and contorted
with no way to get free
and she's getting plenty of little kisses
but nobody's slippin' her the key

her whole life is a long list of what ifs
and she doesn't even know where to begin
and the pageantry of suffering therein
rivals television
tv is, after all, the modern day roman coliseum
human devastation as mass entertainment
and now millions sit jeering
collectively cheering
the bloodthirsty hierarchy of the patriarchal arrangement

she is hailing a cab
she is sailing down the avenue
she's 19 going on 30
or maybe she's really 30 now ...
it's hard to say
it's hard to keep up with time once it's on its way

and, you know, she never had much of a chance
born into a family built like an avalanche
and somewhere in the 80s between the oat bran and the ozone
she started to figure out things like why
one eye pointed upwards looking for the holes in the sky
one eye on the little flashing red light
a picasso face twisted and listing down the canvas
of the end of an endless night

10 9 8 seven six 5 4 three 2 one
and kerplooey
you're done.
you're done for.
you're done for good.
so tell me
did you?
did you do
did you do all you could ?

 

Saturday, May 12, 2007

emotional junk dumping, 3am, saturday

mothers day flower for me as i have been a great mom to myself
(taken by myself on campus in april 2007)

okokokok :)

i am going to write.  something.  yup, its time.

april was nuts, and was pretty intense for the most part.  i was in school full time, and working full time between three positions.  i did very well, holding in there until about halfway through the second last week, when i snapped.  yup, i crashed.  big time.  right back into the throes of what i went through after the zyban reaction...frozen in one spot, sleeping heaps, not really getting much done beyond the basics, and spending ages wandering in circles starting stuff but not finishing anything.  thankfully, it passed after about ten or twelve days, and i managed not to lose any of my jobs.  mind you, my final exams took a huge blow....a massive one.

i have been working on coming to terms with the fact that what i go through quite probably will never fully go away.  it will abate as long as i do not get too stressed, but it quite probably will never go away.  this comes as no real surprise as it seems no matter what i do or change, it still seems to lurk in the background sometimes stronger sometimes weaker.  at least i know what i am dealing with.

see, i have led a colourful life, one in which a lot has happened.  i have had complex trauma happen in my life, which leaves me dealing with complex ptsd.  i have known that i deal with ptsd at times since my late twenties.  it is only recently i talked to my therapist about it more, and asked if that is what i am dealing with.  she said that she thinks so, that its complex, and when i asked if it will be here for life, she said she thinks so to that too....none of this surprises me.  i think i always knew, just wasnt quite ready to face that i may have something for the rest of my life.  now, mind you, i can learn to live with this, and to modulate it as best as possible.  its not like being handed a sentence for me, it is more liberating.  it is like yes! i finally have something i can work with! something that makes sense, and gives me a frame work, and that i can actually target.  :) so in that regard i am happy...happy to finally understand what goes on with me when i get too stressed and shut down.

i have been reading a fair amount about this the last few weeks.  there has been ever so much more research done on this than what was done ten years ago.  ten years ago, most folks i spoke to did not know what ptsd was, and complex ptsd didnt even exist.  complex ptsd is a newer catagory, and one that is up for consideration for inclusion in the next copy of the dsm.  it helps to explain so many things to me.

see, before i would read all kinds of stuff, and try to figure out if that is what was wrong with me.  i have known that something has been going on, especially the last six years or so, i just didnt know exactly what.  i had figured that much of my ptsd was under control as i had done therapy for it in my late twenties.  little did i know...

the more stressed i get, the worse i get.  i feel things more strongly than most folks do, my emotions are intense.  anyone who knows me can vouch for me being on the hyper side, and that i get passionate about things.  i can tend towards being a drama queen as well at times, to be honest.

i think that the zyban reaction was a real smack on the head for me.  i was already dealing with a lot from my past, and the zyban was kind of the straw that broke the camels back.  the longer i have remained low stress, the better i have been getting.  i have learned this winter that the more stress i undergo, the more i start to return to the state i was in directly after the zyban episode.  for the most part, i do well as long as i remain calm.  it is like my nerves are healing, and i just keep getting better and better...being able to deal with more and more, and a wider range of emotions.  i am not a basket case all the time btw, it is just that sometimes i feel overwhelmed emotionally.

i sometimes get upset that i have to go through this.  i never asked for the life that was dealt to me.  i didnt ask for an abusive neglectful mom, for my dad to get killed, for my mom to have a violent abusive boyfriend who tried to hit on me sexually and who gave me drugs and alcohol.  i didnt ask to have a violent boyfriend in my twenties, nor to have one who scammed me for thousands of dollars and who stole my stuff.  i didnt ask to be hit by a car, nor for the two accidents my boyfriend got me into.  i didnt ask for my stepfather to be killed in a motorcycle accident.  and i tried to do something good for me when i took zyban to quit smoking.  i tried to do something good in some of the situations, to get myself out of them.  when i was thirteen, i went to childrens aid and asked them to take me away as i knew that my family life was not normal.  my mom didnt take care of me at all at that time, and her boyfriend was horrific.  i became a foster kid to get away from home.  the violent relationship only lasted around two years, with me ending it.  the scamming relationship only lasted about the same amount of time, again with me ending it.  i dont think that i asked for any of those things.  that is just the life that i have led.  and yes, i could have left both of those men earlier but i didnt.  i left when i felt strong enough, and when i had had enough and wanted something better.

i have striven to be a better person.  i was terrified of having kids in my twenties for fear that i would be an abusive mother like my mom had been towards me.  i realize now that i would make a great mom, but at the time i didnt know that.  it wasnt until i talked with a therapist in my mid twenties did i realize that i would have been okay as a parent.  needless to say, i still dont have kids and quite probably never will at this age.  and i am okay with that.

i cant blame my entire life on my mom, just parts of it.  i have made choices in there too as i have grown up.  its just that she gave me a shitty start in life.  i think she knew that she would be a bad parent and maybe that is partly why she left my sister and i and went to canada when we were so small.  perhaps she knew that she would never be able to look after us.  i think that may be, in part, why she left us with my dad.  most moms would never leave their kids and move to another country...that just isnt done all that often.  if my dad hadnt of died...

i used to think about that when i was younger an awful lot, about what my life would have been like if my dad had of lived.  my first dad was killed in a car accident when i was five, and i came to live in canada when i was six.  my life sure would have been different if he had of lived.  he was killed in the middle of the night with his brother.  i think that must have been so hard on his family.  they lost two boys at once in a brutal accident.  how do you cope with that? i am forty years old, it happened thirty five years ago, and i am still learning to cope with the aftermath of that accident.

i travelled home to england once to meet all my family.  my blood family that is.  when i met my dads family, each brother told me about his version of the night my dad was killed.  it was almost like they felt that they had to atone to me or something.  maybe in doing so, it brought them closure.  i am sure that the accident had as much of an impact on them as it did on me.

you know that if you beat someone long enough, and hard enough, that eventually they stop fighting back, and finally will agree that they are wrong regardless of whether or not they did anything.  that is what i felt like when i was a teenager, like i was beaten too long and too hard.  i felt like i was the worst person ever, like i didnt even deserve to eat or to live.  it is a good thing though, that i have a strong part in me, deep inside, that stood up and fought back.  i think it is the strong part of me that pulled me through a lot of the crap that i went through.  it is like parts of my ego got broken, bruised...but a part of me knew that i was worth fighting for, that i was worthy.  it is the strong part that kept me sane.  i think that my intelligence has been my saving grace, and has been the foundation of the strong part of me.  i always knew in my heart that there was more to life than what i was living as a teenager, that there was more than what my mom was showing me.  i am so thankful that i met my family folks at that time, and that they showed me how a real family can love and support each other through everything.  i knew that there had to be more.

i have done some thinking on my family background as well, on what may have made my mom be the way she is.  she says that my grandfather never loved her, that he didnt want her.  yet my grandmother has told me how he overstayed his leave from the army just to be there when she was born.  if he didnt want her, why did he stay past his time? to me that shows caring, desire, and eagerness for her to be born.

my grandfather was in the military.  he was a parachuter.  when he came home from fighting, my grandmother told me how he developed what she called the "blue devils." he would wake up yelling and screaming, sometimes would go right back to the battle scenes when he was wide awake, and that is when he became violent with her.  i now know that what he would have been going through was shell shock, ptsd.  they never knew what it was then.  all my nan knew is that he came home a changed man, one who could not always be trusted.  he drank a lot.  he was okay most times if he was sober, but got nasty if he drank.  i dont remember him being nasty, he was always good around us kids.  mind you, we got taken away at times, and were told to behave around him.  i think my grandmother protected us from him.  he must have been awful to my mom when she was small.  it would have been right around that time that he developed the blue devils.  she told me how when she was small he would throw knives at her.  he systematically smashed all of my grandmothers crystal.  it is so sad that at that time there was no knowledge about what he was going through, and no help for him.  i feel torn at times.  there is a part of me who gets angry at my grandfather for the destruction he caused to my family, and there is also a very very very deep compassion for the horror he must have lived not knowing what was taking place inside of himself, and no help available.  i dont get angry at him very often....i usually just feel more compassion than anything, and sadness for him.  he was a good man to many people, someone to be respected, he just wasnt always very good at home.  my grandmother is a strong woman.  so my mom didnt have a very good start in life either.  she paid for the damage that war caused to my grandfather.  she also learned to drink, even worse than he ever did.

my grandfather drank once in a while.  it wasnt very often from what i remember, not often at all.  my mom drank every day.  she was always drinking.  it didnt really matter if she drank or not, she was nasty regardless.

its kind of funny.  one of the best things that anyone ever did for me was done by my orthodontist, and i bet he never even had any idea what he was erasing.  he filed my front teeth straight...smoothing out a couple of chips.  they were fairly tiny chips, not ones that anyone would readily notice, but they were so big and huge and glaring to me.  they are gone now, and i dont have the horrible reminder every time i look into the mirror of my mom smacking me in the mouth and chipping my teeth.  how the hell does an adult do that to a child? i cant fathom it, and i dont understand.  yes, intellectually i can understand how she had a crappy start etc etc...but i also know about rational choice, and she is an intelligent woman.  how could she bring herself to hit a kid? i was three feet tall! and she hit me with her fist.  how can an adult do that? my teeth are straight now, and the chips have been erased.  the memory becomes easier and easier to live with as well as i grow older, and admit more to myself that she is a terrible person.  i was only a child, and did not deserve to be hit.

it is mothers day tomorrow.  maybe that is why i am rambling on so much about my family history.  i dont like mothers day.  why should i be forced to celebrate the very person who created the foundation i struggle against in my life? i dont respect her, and she contributed very little that is good to my being.  she doesnt deserve flowers and a card.  many people have said to me that it would be so nice if i could have a relationship with my mother.  they do not understand that to have a relationship with her is toxic and poisonous to me, that my mother does not like me and does not contribute anything positive to my life.  she will only cost me thousands more dollars, and a lot of heartache.  i deserve better in this life.

i would rather have a special persons day, where we are to celebrate the people who are important to us.  my grandmother is important to me.  my heartmom is important to me.  my friends are important too.  i would rather celebrate those people instead of some evil woman who hates me.  i dont like mothers day.  i dont like fathers day either.  i would rather celebrate special people for both days.  and i hated being made to make things as a kid for those days.  that is just plain sadistic and cruel to make kids make things for parents who cant even treat them good.  mind you, i didnt know she was treating me bad until much later.

i saw my old childhood neighbour a few days ago.  i think i am going to phone her and ask her to meet up to talk to me of my childhood.  there are so many holes in it.  she was saying how her mom still talks about how badly my mom treated us kids.  i know that childrens aid had a file on us when we were small, i just dont know what was in it, nor if we were ever investigated.  i wish someone could have intervened when i was small, that someone could have taken me away from my mom.

i said to my therapist the other week how my stepfather treated us well when we were kids.  and yes, overall, he did.  he fought with my mom, not us kids.  he was kind to us, and made sure we had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.  he tried to teach me things to give me a good start in life, and some of those things i still cherish.  he taught me to love books, and to be myself.  he taught me that i can do things, and that doing them is a choice.  i choose to do things, the word cannot does not exist.  the word would be i wont, not i cant.  but when i was sitting there telling her that, i also knew that he wasnt all that good in some regards either.  he never stopped my mom, and he never protected us.  he fought with her, and made it so she would have to come wake us up in the middle of the night, put us in the car, and drive around the town for hours until he was asleep from drinking and it was safe to come home.  he made it so my mom would come crawl into my bed in the middle of the night as it was safer for her that way.  and he told me that i didnt exist, that this entire world was a figment of my imagination, and i believed him.  he wasnt always good either.  he was never violent or nasty to me, but indirectly he wasnt always good.  i loved him a lot, and i still do.  i respected him.  and it is hard to admit that he wasnt always good, but it is the truth.  he should have protected me, and he chose to do nothing.

when i was about 8 or 9 years old, i tried to run away from home.  i packed all my library books up into a plastic bag, and went and sat down on the side of the highway for my stepdad to come home to take me to my friends place.  i guess i threw stones at my mom before i left, telling her i was going to leave and go to my friends place.  she got in a lot of trouble for that one.  maybe he did try to protect me in some ways.  maybe...  she used to tell me not to tell him what she did to me.  i dont know how she hid my chipped teeth from him, if she ever did.  maybe he didnt notice.

the last while, i keep getting smacked in the chest with heavy emotions when i see yellow school buses.  not all the times, just sometimes.  it is like tears just come welling out of my chest, and want to pour down my face, and my throat closes up and its hard to breath.  if i am alone, i let myself cry.  if i am around other people i try to control my face so no one can see what i am going through.  they are simple school buses, but trigger such deep emotions in me.

i was driving one day, and i got stuck behind a school bus.  i figured okay, i am here alone, good time to explore this and try to figure out what is behind it, what is causing the bus to be an emotional trigger.  all that i could come up with was potential.  those buses contain little kids who are full of potential.  they have so much ahead of them and they are so fragile, and vulnerable.  they are kids who can grow up to be valued people in our society, they are our future.  i had my potential taken away from me when i was a kid.  i was tainted before i even had time to grow up.  yes, i am a valued member of society, but it is by my own doing, and by the doing of my family folks, not the doing of the people who were supposed to raise me up to be someone.  i lost my potential in childhood, i lost my innocence.  and that wasnt fair.  i didnt do anything nor ask for that to be taken away.  that is about the only thing i can come up with as to why school buses make me cry.  i liked school then, and i enjoyed learning.  all the trips to school were good ones.  i dont remember anything bad on the bus.  all i can think of is the symbolic meaning, the potential of the kids inside the bus.

gosh i am really on a downer tonight.  i havent written for awhile, and this is the kind of stuff that gets built up inside of my head.  this is what i ponder over, and try to understand.  when i get deeper and deeper understanding of what happened, then it becomes easier to deal with emotionally, and i can overcome what i go through.  the more i talk about it, or write about it, the easier it is to work with.  if i were to never talk or write, i would never get anywhere with it.  i find it good to write here in my blog as i can let things go here.  i know that maybe someone will read something.  maybe it will let them know that they are not alone, and that all this crap that other people can do to us can be overcome.  we are more than what we are given as kids, way more.  i know i am a good person, and i know i have a right to be here.  i know that people care about me, and i care about them.  my mom never succeeded in taking that away from me.  it took me a long time to get to the point where i knew and understood that i am a good person.

i still dont feel much anger towards her.  i question so much, and i get disgusted with her, but i dont often feel much anger.  i feel pity more than anything i think, and a huge lack of respect.  she is paying for what she did to me as a kid.  i know she has to be.  she is not a happy person, and lives a reclusive life.  she has almost no friends, and people dont turn to her for anything.  she is totally unreliable.  well...i should say all of this in past tense as its been over six years since i had anything to do with her.  the last thing i did for her was to pay out three thousand dollars in her back bills, and deposit a bit into her bank account.  she never even called me to say thank you, or that the money was in her account.  the last time i ran into her, she covered her mouth horrified that it was me, backed up, and walked rapidly away.  she never spoke to me at all, just ran away.  she didnt even recognize me until i spoke to her.  she is not a good mother.

and so, i dont wish to celebrate mothers day.  mothers day is tomorrow, and i have to go to work at the restaurant.  i will be working a ten hour shift, looking after loads of people who will be celebrating mothers day.  i will have to smile a lot, and pretend to be happy.  tomorrow may be a bit rough but i will get through.  i have done that job so many times that it is easy for me to be a happy friendly person.  most likely, i will genuinely end up happy anyhow as i enjoy people so very much.

it is late here, and i have eight hours to get some sleep in before heading off to work.  i am going to trundle off to my bed and put star wars in the player to fall asleep too.  i have dumped another load of my emotional junk into my blog, and so my head grows ever so slightly clearer.

good night.

lou

Not 2 AM, and Delerium

 

Friday, April 13, 2007

Not 2 AM, and Delerium

Just put some music on to listen to while working, and this was the first song that opened up.  It is rather suiting right now, so I figured I would paste the lyrics in here as I keep talking about relationships. 

and it is so suiting right now.


Innocente - Delerium

You can't see my eyes
You can't see my eyes
They don't see yours
Hear me when I say
I don't mind at all

It's the rain that I hear coming
Not a stranger or a ghost
It's the quiet of a storm approaching
That I fear the most
It's the pain that I hear coming
The slightest crystal tear, drops to the ground
In silence, when my love is near.
Darling, when did you fall? When was it over?
Darling when? When did you fall? When was it over?

It's marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart and then my lonesome song begins
It's marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart and now my lonesome song begins

Darling, when did you cry? I couldn't hear you
Darling when? When did you cry? I couldn't hear you

I suppose it is the price of falling in love
I suppose it is the price of falling in love

It's the rain that I hear coming
Not a stranger, not a ghost
Of the quiet of a storm approaching
That i fear the most
It's the pain that i hear coming

The slightest crystal tear drops to the ground
In silence when my love is near
It's marching through my door now the stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart and now my lonesome song will end

Darling when did we fall? When was it over?
Darling when? When did we fall? When was it over?

I suppose it is the price of falling in love.
I fear that it's the price of falling in love

2 AM

 

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

2 am

i have been thinking an awful lot the last few days about relationships again.  i feel like i am processing "stuff" and letting go of things that need to be released.  my head has been busy.

i pulled the guitar out today and sang.  it has been so long since i have done so.  i have written songs for a few men in the past.  maybe it is time to write one for them as a collective...or maybe i should write one for a future male.  :) i have also written generic songs on love; songs that are written for no one in particular.

a new year has just begun
i am sliding down a ray of sun
my dreams are there, i realize
that i must move with changing tides.

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

magic and music end their song
body and mind they go along
mystical eyes have turned to dust
dream clouds now fill up with rust

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

time to shed of my old clothes
what i'll find no one know
burn the pains that hurt me so
and bathe them in a golden glow

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

a solo path that i walk down
is with a smile and not a frown
i kiss you now a kiss good bye
and though it hurts i will not cry

a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day
a change in fortune comes my way
i'm looking at a brighter day

new years, 1991 (i think)
written for chris

chris was not a very good man.  he developed a mental disorder while i lived with him, and became violent.  the last thing i heard, he is still violent.  i saw him once about seven years ago.  he was wearing odd clothes that did not match, nor suit the place he was at.  he was ranting on in the same strange way he had started just before i left him, and wanted to speak to me.  i allowed it simply because a mutual friend was there and asked me to do it.  all he wanted to tell me is that my old cat had died.  that was the only good thing he could do, take care of the cats.  he loved them to pieces.  molly, the cat, lived to be quite old with him.  i dont feel any anger towards chris when i think of him now.  i know that he was mentally falling apart, and that drinking heavy didnt help the situation any.  the mental disorder explains why he thought that he was satan sent to this earth to kill me.  i pray that i may never run into him again.  this probably has a lot to do with me not wanting to move back to my home town.  i would be scared of him tracking me and just showing up late one night.  he is weird enough, and the town is small enough, that he would do it.

walking away from that relationship was one of the best things i have ever done.  i am so thankful that mm was there for me, and guided me home.  that was a pretty black time in my life but one that i survived.  no one ever deserves to be hit or belittled, and that includes me.

*****

i have been listening to "boys in the trees" by carly simon in the truck.  i swear every single song on that cd has meant something to me at one time or another, all the songs relating to various relationships.  i grew up with it.  maybe some day i will be singing "lets make love for old times sake, lets invite our hearts to break" for one of my past flames.  i hope that i am still active enough, interested in men, and in the position to meet up with a passionate ex lover to sing that song to him when my hair has long gone gray.


boys in the trees.  a song of being on the sidelines watching boys growing up.  a song of forbidden passion, of a girl who is supposed to be chaste feeling the surge in her heart and body for boys.
a song of regret.  a song of yearning.

i understand.


it is late, and i must sleep.

~lou

It is Sunday again

 

Sunday, March 04, 2007             

It is Sunday again.  This time, I am going to try to write using capitals.  Normally, I only use them for formal writing.  I bet I slip up pretty fast, and return to no caps.

Warning: Please ignore next paragraph if you love hairdressers and hate whining.  I am griping about hair, and whining about a new bad terrible hair cut.

I got a new hair cut the day before last.  Was feeling a bit drab with my hair, it needed cleaning up a bit.  It has been long for the last couple of years, and I tend to avoid hairdressers.  Hair cuts are a rather traumatic experience for me, even on a good day with a good hairdresser.  I told the woman what I wanted, and stopped her partway through when I saw she wasnt doing my request.  She tried to slough me off, and I mentioned it again.  Finally, she was frustrated, and I was frustrated...she simply was not doing what I had asked her to do.  She used these thinning shears/texturizing shears on me too.  I did not realize that those scissors were like having a razor taken to your hair...and my hair does not respond well to excessive thinning.  So...now I look like some version of Shirley Temple, with squared off sides, and bits that stick out down the bottom part of my neck.  And all I can do is hope for this to grow out very very fast, so I can get rid of the awful thinning out.  It looks like hell straight, and looks pretty bad curly.  I cant even put it up well as she cut so much off the back.  And yes, I wanted some taken off the back....2 or 3 inches...and I lost 5.  It is sitting above my shoulders now, and when I went in it was down to my bra strap easily.  One years worth of growth lost down the drain from one hair chair sitting.  I am okay with the length loss actually, its just the lousy thinning technique, and blunt back that are bothering me.  Especially since I specifically told her I wanted the whole front done on an angle to blend in with the back.  I will be off getting a new hair cut as fast as I possibly can to get this cleaned up.  Bad hair cuts drive me nuts more than almost anything in this entire world.  I can be in a foul mood for days after having one, and I really don't settle down until I get it cut into a workable style again.

I hate hairstylists.  I swear that they are people who are born without ears, and just big whopping scissors glued to their hands.  It would help out so much if they would listen to their clients.  It is my hair, and I know what does work, and what does not work, on it.

Grrrr.

Resume: Regular writing, mostly on relationship stuff.

Okay.  Now that is off my chest, I can carry on with the reason why I wanted to write today in the first place.

How long does it take for a person to fade from memory? Yup, still missing the real life guy, jerk that he was at times.  I really developed a soft spot for him.  Every day I think of him, every day I think of the online guy.  Really, I shouldn't be wasting my time on either of them being that neither will, or would have, a relationship with me.

Why do I fall for unattainable men? I know the answer to this, it is just hard to change my patterning, hard to change my feelings.  If I attach myself to an unattainable man, then I never have to be truly vulnerable with someone, and I set myself up so that I don't have to give myself to someone fully, and fully experience the pain of them leaving.  If that makes any sense...  Too many people left me too many times when I was a child.  Crucial developmental relationships never formed.  And I never learned the meaning of real love when I was little.  I know that I love people, and I know that there are people in this world who love me.  I also know that I am largely alone, and am used to it.  To fully open myself up to a relationship, I have to be totally vulnerable, something that is so hard for me to do.  It is easier to flit around, and just let people in so far.  By choosing unattainable men, I can keep my patterning of not having to be too vulnerable.

"and I will give up this fight....'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't...You can't make your heart feel, something it won't...Here in the dark, in these final hours...I will lay down my heart...and I'll feel the power, but you won't, no, you won't..."

I have had this playing in my head since I got up today.  I know that I still need to let go.  I did a tarot reading on hmm Friday I think, specifically about the real life guy.  It came back that he is sad right now.  I keep feeling like the line between us hasn't been severed.  Every single time I sit and focus in on him when I am being still inside, he shows as being attached to me still with a fine fine golden cord.  Sometimes he is closer to me, sometimes further away.  He is always attached.  The cable to the online guy is thicker.  He, too, is always attached to me.

I became extremely vulnerable with the online guy, especially between six months to about four years of talking.  When we had the huge fight last year, and were not chatting, it almost killed me.  I cried daily from deep in my soul, tears like I have only ever cried for one other person in my life.  I felt as though a part of me was ripped out, and left gaping, ragged, bleeding.  We are talking again now, but I have not returned to the same level of vulnerability that I gave him.  I can't do that again...not unless I know that there is a future.  I used to believe so deeply that him and I would wind up together, it just seemed so right, so natural.  Now I know that, although there is a good foundation, that it will never be.

I asked him just before Christmas if we would ever meet up, or if all chances of that are gone now.  He said that it is highly unlikely.  That hurt, and I have been trying to come to terms with it since.  The fall out with the real life guy happened the next day or so, and little wonder considering what I had just gone through with the online guy.  The one suffered for what took place with the other.  And he never knew it.

What would I ever have done if either one of these men had of wanted to have a full blown relationship with me? Would I have become so terrified of emotional intimacy that I would have pushed them both away as fast as possible? Would I have lain down like a doormat and let them do what they wanted to with me? How would I have reacted? Maybe I would have ran away, just maybe.

sunday blatherings

Sunday, February 18, 2007

sunday blatherings

it is sunday. i look out the window and see snow. it is sunday.

snow.

sunday.

it is.

hmmm...

not much deep in that thought. hahahaha :)

i will go put some coffee on, and will return with possibly a more intelligent thought than sunday, snow, it is.

i took a midol while i was in there, and looked out the window.

snow.

sunday.

it is.

i dont overly feel like seeing an awful lot of people right now. i have been this way all weekend. yet, oddly enough, have been quite happy when my friends have been around and i have been out. technically, theoretically, i just want to sleep a lot.

i have been doing relationship ponderings again. i reactivated a couple of dating sites, set up new profiles, and am talking to new people. i am chatting to a number of guys who just seem like good decent people. i dont know what to think.

i am glum today. i have been this way all weekend. i feel drained, tired, and on the sad side. i sometimes wonder if i am doing all this school stuff for any purpose, if anything will ever come out of it. i used to believe in that fallacy that if you work real hard you will be rewarded and get a good job. now i think its a crock. finding a good job has just as much to do with a good network of people, and being in the right place at the right time. hard work, dedication, and education dont necessarily mean you will find a good job. and so, in may ways, i feel like i have failed.

i poured my heart and soul into going to school, just as i have poured my heart into relationships in the past. and here i sit, forty years old, single and without a good job. most days i am happy. most days i keep myself going and look on the bright side. today, i am just tired.

i am drawn like a moth to flame to unrequited love. it seems to be the story of my life of late. why do i yearn for the unachievable? why not just be content with what is available and what i have within my reach? why do i want more? why do i feel driven in this manner? it tears at my soul at times, and makes me feel so very restless inside.

i still dream of an all white apartment with nothing but a chandelier and a view of the ocean out the window.

simplicity. beauty. peace.

i have returned to yoga, which is helping me out so much. it really helps with relaxation, and i find that the terrible knots in my shoulders are gone most of the time now. my body hurts less. i have been feeling more focused since restarting meditation, and even more so now i am doing yoga. my mind is clearing.

i dont know why i am so glum this weekend. i would like to be special to someone, and to have someone be special to me. i havent felt that way with anyone for such a long time. feeling special cant be forced though, it has to come naturally.

its been almost three months, and i still miss hanging out with the real life guy. silly i know. i shouldnt care as he wasnt anyone special in my life, wasnt an important part of it. i just miss his company. i enjoyed him.

i still miss having things the way they were with the online guy too, the way they were with him back a year and a half or so ago. i really miss the dynamics we had then. i miss the intensity. the relationship has changed, evolved, and he doesnt seem to want anything more than what we have now. i still enjoy talking to him so much, but sometime wonder why we spend so much time doing it if there is no direction, no purpose, to our conversations. part of me wonders if i should walk away from it again, but then part of me knows how very hard it has been to do in the past. it is such an odd situation. so very odd. he is my interactive journal, maybe that is it. i care about him and he has been such a large part of my life for so long now. it is hard to walk away. he will never be anything more than my online friend, and i need so much more than online and yet i cannot bring myself to walk away. i have tried before, many times. he has too. we always come back. i dont really know why. maybe because we have so many shared interests, and have been such good support systems for each other over the last few years. maybe because we know each other so well. maybe because we are both single and get lonely for company at times. maybe. maybe. maybe.

in my mind i like to think that one day i may be brave enough to sell off everything i own and move far away to the ocean. i dream about this a lot. i am forty years old, and have yet to do it. my life is almost half over.

i think i have accomplished much in this life. i have faced a lot of challenges and have overcome them. i think that there is so much more to do. i dont know if forty years will be enough time.

time. my ancient old ramble from years past. time. "time is nothing more than an organizing tool used by humans to keep track of things." "time is mutable."

hand prints in time burn a mark deep in heart. i can still feel them. funny how i can still feel someone’s hands years after they touched me. i remember peoples touch.

i liked the way the real life guy smelled. he became so familiar. i have to let that go.

i have been opening myself up to meeting new guys, and to dating once more. i am ready to do this. i know that the familiarity of the real life guy needs to be replaced; i know that i need someones new smell to smell right to me, to smell good. i know...many people would think me totally bonkers talking about smell ahhahahaha :) it is something that is so important to me in dating someone. teeth are important too.

the cats are sleeping all curled up, coffee is down. i should go pour a cup.

*****
coffee pouring time
*****

*****
heated up wonton and chinese food time
*****

i dont know.

my head is so lost in thoughts today.

the chinese food place around the corner makes such good wontons. cheap too.

the coffee turned out well.

and i am moving on with the day with my chin held up high and a smile on my face. better things are bound to happen today, i just know it.

:)
lou

and so i sing with my soul...and call to the goddesses and gods of old

Saturday, January 20, 2007 and so i sing with my soul...

 and so i sing with my soul today. i call aloud to the goddesses of old, asking that they be compassionate, asking that i may have compassion, asking that they will sing with me. isis, astarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, innanna i sing for peace i sing for clarity i sing for love isis, astarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, innanna. and i dream i dream deep within my heart i open myself up to a wisdom that is ever so much older than i and older than you isis, astarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, innanna i create safety with the mists of time ever swirling ever swirling isis, asarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, innanna and so i sing with my soul today. i sing to the gods of old that they may come and watch over me that they may come and bring balance to the feminine that i may bring balance to the masculine pan, poseidon, dionysus, cernunnos, mythras, loki, apollo i embrace the masculine and turn my fanciful dreams with logic fire can burn all purify pan, poseidon, dionysus, cernunnos, mythras, loki, apollo i sing to the gods and open my heart to what may await pan, poseidon, dionysus, cernunnos, mythras, loki, apollo i step inside another realm i trust and am trusted i give all i sing with my soul today i sing to the goddesses and gods of old i sing to them to bring peace to my soul healing to my heart and to reawaken dreams isis, astarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, inanna, pan, poseidon, dionysus, cernunnos, mithras, loki, apollo i sing for balance i sing for peace i sing for compassion i sing for love i sing for forgiveness i sing for understanding i sing for the future i sing for love i ask for blessings for all those people who have emptiness in their hearts today. may they feel love ever lasting, may they have love ever flowing, may they give love never ending. to give love i must feel love to feel love i must open to love to open to love i must face love to face love i must trust love to trust love i must believe love to believe love i must cherish love to cherish love i must give love isis, astarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, innanna, pan, poseidon, dionysus, cernunnos, mithras, loki, apollo. isis, astarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, innanna, pan, poseidon, dionysus, cernunnos, mithras, loki, apollo. isis, astarte, diana, hecate, demeter, kali, innanna, pan, poseidon, dionysus, cernunnos, mithras, loki, apollo. i sing thank you to the goddesses and gods of old i sing thank you to them for watching over me i sing thank you to them for taking my dreams and breathing life into them i sing thank you i release you ~loula

a little bit of "hmm..."

Saturday, January 06, 2007

a little bit of "hmm..."
and some strong thoughts to donna lange


hmm....

i think i am a little hmm....

not happy, not sad, tired, bit contemplative, could easily get a bit grouchy. all that equals hmm...

i am laying on the futon pondering things, something i do far too much. i dont have anything deep to say. i am missing the real life guy somewhat, still trying to tell myself its for the best, feeling sad that nothing came out of it, and feeling sad that it ended the way it did. i really liked him an awful lot, i still do like him. i would still happily be seeing him if we could have progressed into something more. i just didnt like only ever being at his place or mine...i wanted to go out to the movies or to dinner, to meet each others friends, do stuff together. thats the only thing that was bothering me. i really enjoyed him, i enjoyed him ever so much, and would have liked to have been his girlfriend. getting upset with him has nothing to do with not liking him, i just didnt like what happened. i stupidly wrote a long email to him that i took a day to edit, and that had far too much stuff in it, hung onto it, then sent it. i am sure that i just added nails to the lid of whatever we had ending. the things i do while in the throes of a hormone rush.

i am terribly emotional during my cycle. i phoned an ex boyfriend once and tried to break up with him on the phone because i was falling in love with him. i actually told him that it was over, simply cause i loved him, and it was scaring the dickens out of me. it took me months 'til i could even tell him i cared for him, then when i did, i tried to break up. thankfully, he was an understanding fellow, drove over to my place, hugged and held me, and understood that i was scared silly of my emotions towards him. he really wasnt a bad fellow in his heart. it is pretty easy for me to get scared when i start to have feelings, and to turn around and self destruct whatever situation i am in.

and i think i just self destructed the one i had with the real life guy.

i have to go, my online friend just stuck his head in. he almost always makes me smile and laugh, and stimulates my mind at the same time. i am so thankful for his friendship. hes making me smile right now telling me of folks who are sailing around the world. here is the link to a song he said i may like, and what i am listening to right now.

http://www.donnalange.com/images/01_Keepin_On.mp3

thank you my friend. may you know happy things....

and i hope that whomever is reading this knows happy things as well..and that they enjoy the song. it is written by a strong woman sailing all by herself around cape horne right now. she has encountered some rough weather from what i understand. i am sending her some strong thoughts for this day...

:)
lou

later...

i returned to the donna lange site after my friend logged off. i have tears running down my cheeks for what this woman is doing, the adventure she is on, and what the driving force is behind it. i think i understand part of her drive. wow...she sure is one strong woman. i admire what she is doing. and tonight i am sending out some thoughts of strength to her. i am sending out thanks as well 'cause tonight i needed to read this. she is a pretty unusual woman..singing her way around the world in her sailing boat, conquering her demons and fears, and bringing healing to her soul. :)

http://www.donnalange.com/home.html


thank you for sharing her with me my friend. :) i needed this tonight.

i can't make anyone love me

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

i cant make anyone love me...

all i can do is open myself up and allow them to love me if they do.

*****

"I Can't Make You Love Me"
(Chantal Kreviazuk, from "Women in Song II")

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize (don't patronize me)

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do whats right
Just give me 'til then to give up this fight (and I will give up this fight)

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

*****

i release you from me.

~lou

on the road with a betta fish...and christmas

Friday, December 29, 2006
on the road with a betta fish...and christmas
just a short hello note...

i am on the road with esmeralda the betta fish, and visiting folks for christmas. esmeralda is doing better now, and i am doing ok too. i am heading back home tomorrow...figure its time. i am at my friends place right now, down by toronto. sometimes, i think i should live in this area. i have no idea where i am going to end up in may, once school is finished...could well be anywhere.

i better go find my friends.

and feed the betta fish.

:)
lou

4:44 am, post christmas day

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

4:44 am, post christmas day

it is 4:44. i am not in bed yet. i have been sitting here by the fire talking with one of my oldest friends, and solving all the troubles in the world including relationships. he has toddled off to bed now, and i am sitting here ruminating and pondering christmas, time, and relationships (the one topic that has occupied much of my thinking for most of december). yayy!!! more depressing blatherings on relationships! hahaha :)

the large focal point of the holiday, christmas day, is over. thank goodness i made it another year. i dont always do well with christmas. i work real hard to remain positive, try to have a good time regardless of what my emotions are doing, and try to be upbeat. inside, almost every year, i go through this heart wrenching sense of failure, sadness, and i feel so alone in this world...almost every year i go through this, and have done so for a long long time now. and it doesnt matter what i am doing, i usually have some remnants of wretched feelings hanging around some place in the back of my subconscious or conscious thinking. so i try to do the best i can with what i have, and to have a good time.

i tried talking to the real life guy i have been seeing about some of this...just told him i get emotional and can be weird at this time of year...and i dont think he understood or got it. i spent three weeks trying to convince myself to stop seeing him just to avoid anything negative happening with him even though things have been good with us. the last time i saw him, i said to him as i was leaving that if he wanted to stop seeing me to do it then as i couldnt handle anything emotional happening around the holidays, and he said that there was nothing to worry about. now, i think i totally wrecked things with him a couple of days before christmas. he hadnt made any time for me through the holiday season, and couldnt take two minutes out of his busy housework schedule to ask me how i was doing when i messaged him hoping to find out if we were going to get together sometime before i left to come home for christmas. he just launched right into how busy he was, and how he had friends coming over soon, and he had so much housework to do. i shot off a snotty comment to him about how i know that i am not considered the same as his friends, and heaven forbid he actually include me in a social event. i wasnt very nice to him. i felt insulted that he couldnt take even two minutes out of his day to simply say how are you when we hadnt talked in ten days. he had told me he would be busy, but i think i am worth that, i am worth a polite greeting from someone i have been seeing even if its casual. it really hurt that he didnt think me worth that. i didnt like how he said that if he had a spare five minutes he might give me a call later. and it really bothered/bothers me that he doesnt include me in anything social, that we dont even go out to dinner or to the movies together. i am not a bad person to be around. i am certainly nothing to be ashamed of, nor are there any reasons to keep me hidden in the house and to not introduce me to his friends.

sometimes, its easier to self destruct something that encroaches on my emotions than it is to try to face them and solve the situation. i am spending a lot of time right now convincing myself that this is okay, and that i am worth a man who can take two minutes to ask me how i am, rather than brush me off because his housework is more important. its christmas, and he couldnt take the time to even ask how i am doing. i deserve better treatment than this from a man who i have been seeing, even if it is only casual. i think that it may be over. he hasnt contacted me, and i havent contacted him. i dont know. its probably just as well. i cant handle being hidden away much longer..it makes me feel so bad. i can understand and appreciate how he doesnt want to lead his friends onto thinking that i am his girlfriend, but this continually being hidden away from everyone is making me feel bad about myself. bad and cheap...and i dont like feeling this way at all.

i talked to my friend about this tonight. he said that maybe this guy is crazy about me and doesnt know what to do with it. i laughed and i said i dont think so! i know he likes me, enjoys my company, and i dont think he wants any more than that. i really liked him an awful lot. he easily has 80 or 90% of what i am looking for in a man, and i enjoyed his company so much...i gladly would have become his girlfriend, and tried that out to see how we did together as a couple. oh well. it takes two people to feel that way, and i cant force someone to like me. i am just going to let this go, and see what happens.

and so it is.

lou

solstice

Thursday, December 21, 2006
solstice
yesterday was the solstice. its still is to me as i havent gone to bed yet. its been a rather bleak emotional time, appropriate considering it is the longest night of the year. i have so much in my head, so many emotions in my heart. i feel torn in some ways. i am torn between emotion and logic, a place i intensely dislike being in yet often find myself. i wish that my head and heart wouldnt struggle so. it was easier when my head ruled everything. then, i just walked away from things and didnt look back. then i rediscovered my emotions in my late late twenties, and its been hell ever since. and the older i get, the stronger the emotions get.

my heart has been breaking today.

i am looking to the light of the new year.

lou

true love and connections

Monday, December 11, 2006 true love and connections 

 i read an essay earlier this year which stayed with me. it was about true love and connections. i think bell hooks, in her book "all about love: new visions," has a wonderful theory. to condense, hooks explains true love as the total acceptance of another person, of unconditional and selfless love, and of loving simply to support the other person to be the best person they can be, to lift them up and watch them succeed in all areas. when we are in this relationship, we can truly be ourselves and drop all pretenses. unfortunately, when we meet other people, we are often on our best behaviour - we look our best, smell nice, say the right things...and our true self is not shown. which is why, when we have fallen in love, we can fall out of love a couple of years later when the true self arises. we end up wondering what happened to the person we fell in love with. yet the person that shows up two years later is more the true self rather than the persona we fell in love with. true love accepts the true self of another person, true love enables the true self to be revealed. (and yes, i think goffman was really onto something with his dramaturgy theory of interpersonal interaction, and jung with personas.) to carry on with bells theory, we can meet people and have a connection with them. we can have connections with more than one person in our lifetime. we can meet someone and share an amazing connection with them yet, for some reason, the relationship can fizzle out. this occurs because one of the people is not ready to delve into the potential bonding of two people. most of us yearn for true love, yet when we are faced with the real possibility of it occurring, we can shy away and are not prepared to embrace it and to allow the relationship to progress. true love takes a lot of courage from both people. we will be lucky if we experience true love once in our lifetime, if at all. so.. this is what i think about when i think of true love, of meeting and of choosing to love someone. i think of this selfless love, and that is what i aim to give. if i love someone, i will give them everything i can emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. unfortunately, i do not always think that i deserve it back in return so i tend to give far more than what i get back. this is what part of my journey into relationships is about. it is about accepting love in return, and about expecting more than what i currently accept. smudge the cat is here. he is trying to climb up on my shoulder again to nuzzle into my hair. he loves me as long as i put food in his bowl...i guess animal love isnt unconditional. i have graphics waiting that i have to finish today. i should probably move on with the day, and get some work done. i hope that you have a smile today, and that something pretty comes your way. :) lou

more relationship rattlin's

Sunday, December 10, 2006 more relationship rattlin's

 i did go to the beach yesterday, and came home feeling grounded. i needed to go and have the wind whip through my hair, and to blow away all the feelings i have been having. i am still quite introspective. still not sad, still not angry, just introspective. i deleted my dating profiles today. i need to do that at this time. i kept two sites active but hidden because they have quizzes on them, and i really like quizzes. i have never met nor chatted with anyone from either of those sites, and dont actually use them. i should probably delete those too. i just really like those stupid personality quizzes! :) (and yes, i really like those 20 things about me you didnt know questions too, both getting and sending them out.) i feel a sense of freedom from getting rid of the sites. i went through my msn list too, and deleted all the guys i had added through the sites over the last couple of years. i did a huge purge a few weeks back, and just did the final one now. they are all gone. ok...i just wrote and asked how to delete a profile at the one site. they do not have instructions anywhere on how to remove yourself, and the only option i can find is to hide profile from public view, which i had already done. and looking at the other site, its not a dating site, its just a quiz site. i am thinking when i signed up to these sites, that they were initially one site which has been split into different areas now. i think this was one of the first sites i was ever on, and only joined it for the quizzes. anyhow...a huge load feels like it has shifted from my shoulders deleting all these accounts and msn men from my computer (even though i wasnt talking to any of them). i just need to be off the sites for awhile. dating sites are great for meeting folks, they are ideal. but, like anything, there is a downside. the easy availability of a new date for every week is one of them. i honestly have no idea how many men i have met through dating sites, nor how many first dates i have been on. very very few of them make it to a second date, and even fewer to a third. i have met some wonderful men, super guys. only one man misrepresented himself. overall, my experiences have been pleasant. lately, all i do is politely turn away guys who do show interest, and send messages with men on the dating sites who i know in real life. it is time. i have to shut the sites off. i dont know if i really want to meet anymore guys from online. none of the men i have met have been willing to delete, or shut off, their profiles after they meet me. its almost like they have to hang onto them like security blankets, always looking for the next best thing. it makes me feel like they cant take the time and energy to actually get to know me, the woman who is standing right there with them. instead, they are more interested in clicking their way through profiles and finding the next person to go meet for coffee. i am not talking about shutting the sites off within days of meeting...i am talking after a couple of months of regular dating has gone on. when i have been seriously dating someone, i have shut my profiles off. it seems to be the right thing to do to me, to give the guy my undivided attention. in my opinion, this is the biggest downside of online dating. its too easy to just continue to search for that illusive perfect someone, which hearkens back to my soul mate rant.....i dont think that there is one perfect someone out there for any of us. it just plain logically is not possible. i would like to be with someone who only wants to date one person at a time. i think the male patchwork i have had going on now for the last few years is starting to wear on me. i meet guys, and talk to them, and tell them my views on monogamy. so many times they assume that i dont want a monogamous relationship. just because i can understand something doesnt mean that it is the path i choose to follow. i understand many things yet i dont do all of them. i was cleaning out some emails today, and found one from a guy in the summer who assumed i didnt want a one on one relationship since i was dating more than one guy at a time. he was so wrong about me. needless to say, he made it to the delete list today. hahahaha :) i answer honestly when i say i dont know if i will ever marry. i cant predict that. would i like to live with a man and forge a life together? most certainly. would i like to be one on one with a man? possibly. do i want children? maybe, most likely if i met the right guy. do i want an engagement ring? not necessarily. do i want a wedding ring? not necessarily. do i want commitment? i sure do. i read a post on a site or some place about having to be ready to have a relationship yourself, about having to be in the right head space. she talked about how our expectations play such a large role, and she talked about loving yourself. i am learning to love myself again after the five deaths, my mom and ex-fiance leaving me, then the manic reaction to zyban. the drug reaction was the worst as it stole so much of my personality and i behaved so out of character at that time. when the drug was in my system, i acted in ways i am ashamed of and yet i have to accept them as they are a part of me. it was a rough road getting back and accepting what i went through. at times i really didnt like me. but now, i am ready to love myself again. i have to. i just had a flurry of emails with the final dating site. it turns out they are affiliated with the personality testing site as i thought, and that if i delete that account, i lose all my test results. so...the account is staying, and just will not be available for public viewing. i was just daydreaming out the window for a moment. it is a beautiful day here. the suns out, and is glittering off the snow that is all nicely melting away. the sky is a clear clear blue. if i didnt have to work tonight, i would be off chasing sunsets to another beach to take more pictures of the lake. i feel rather peaceful inside now. deleting my accounts was a good thing to do. smiles, lou :)

dream of a boy child

Saturday, December 09, 2006

i had a dream this morning about a small boy child.  i was working as a social worker with another woman, and we were to look after this little boy.  he had been neglected so badly that he never spoke out to anyone to ask for anything, he would just sit quiet hoping someone would notice him.  sometimes, he would act out terribly bad, again hoping someone would notice him.  it was a classic case of neglect.

we were in this car, a huge car (it was a dream, you can have a huge car that you can walk around in!).  we were in the back seat.  a man came and joined us, he was helping us build something wooden, a large bench-like structure.  the boy started acting out, and the man started telling him off.  i asked the man to go outside with me.  once we were outside, i told him the story of the boy, and asked him to please stop telling him off.  i said about him being neglected, how he couldnt voice his needs, and he needed attention, positive attention, so to please stop yelling at him.  the man understood.

i opened up the car door, and asked the boy to come with me.  he wasnt going to take his coat, even though it was cold out.  i had to remind him to grab his jacket.

the dream shifted, and we were at a large institutional type setting.  the boy would have to sit at this long table full of big guys who were all really rough, or were totally shut down emotionally.  i went there and took him out of this setting.  i took him to the hallway where i held him and hugged him.  i told him not to worry, that i wouldnt let anyone hurt him anymore, then i told him about my own childhood, how i really understood what he was going through.  i had a hard time not crying in my dream.

*************

in reality, i have been spending much time this week thinking about my mom and my childhood, and how they relate to my current life situation.  i have been deeply introspective for the last two weeks.  i am not crying, i am not sad, just deeply introspective.  i expect and accept less than what i am worth, less than what i deserve.  my online friend and i have talked about this in the last few months.  i know that i have to take small steps to change, i cant do this all at once.  in the past, whenever i have made changes, i have pondered them for a long time, then suddenly change so much and so fast that i know the changes look like they are not premeditated at all.  this time, i am making myself go slowly.

i know i should do something, and i am avoiding doing it.  i know that it is best for me emotionally, best all the way round really.  i just dont know how to do it, when to do it, or what i should actually do to do it.  i am going to drive to the beach this afternoon to take some photos of the sunset, and to do some thinking while driving.

before i go though...i am still thinking...  hahahaha :)

its amazing that relationships get started at all by any people when they get to be around my age.  i know so many people who are wounded and full of battle scars, that it is remarkable that any of us ever learn to open up our hearts again.  i think it takes work, a lot of work, to reach the point where we are able to be vulnerable once more.  i want to be vulnerable with someone who wants to be vulnerable with me.  i want to share hopes, dreams, wishes, and memories.  i want to plan a future with someone, to support, and to be supported.

in the meantime though, what i should do, and am thinking about how to do, is a way of quelling my vulnerability, a way of squashing it away once more, a way of protecting my heart.  i know its the best thing that i should be doing at this time.  its been a lousy year, i made so many poor decisions, and i want so badly to start the year off good.  last year, i started it off with a huge fight with a dear dear friend, and i regretted so much what happened, so very much.  in the past, i had two relationships end around the holidays....one ex-boyfriend was violent on christmas eve, and my ex-fiance ended our relationship with a phone call on new years eve.  needless to say, childhood christmases were mostly wretched.  i dont want to take any emotional chances around christmas or new years, my heart is too precious for that.

~ lou